Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Home Again Home Again, Jiggity Jig

I'm home, and I have many a post idea. One of them will be about the mother of my oldest niece's boyfriend. I'm pretty sure she didn't want kids, or at the very least didn't like the ones she got.

Stopping your car and telling your five and seven year old that you were are Freddy Kruegar's house? Really?

I also managed to rip open two of my fingers, get the stomach flu, and dream about masturbation, which was fun!

More stuff coming soon, folks, Happy New Year, try not to tie it on TOO tight, huh?

Monday, December 22, 2008

Creepy Holidays!

Hey folks!
Just wanted to give you a quick heads up. Creepy Kitch will be a bit slow to update this week. because not only are Stac and I horror fans but we're also on the Christmas fanatic side of things....okay I am. I'll admit that. I like to roll around in tinsel with my cat while wearing only a Santa hat. I have my fetishes, you have yours. Lets move on.
So that combo-ed with the fact that I'm visiting the relatives and their computer is probably older than God makes updating a bit tough for Cins. But I'm sure Stac can keep the masses entertained with plenty of talk of horror icons she wants to bang while I'm stuck rubbing two sticks together in an attempt to connect with the internet.

A few quick Holiday thanks out there:
Thank you MetalMikey and Bonesaw for reading. We love Cadaver Lab and we so appreciate your support and extremely bizarre comments that keep us posting.
Thank you Hel and Bevin for reading as well! Yay for Uterus Power!
Thank you Johnny from Freddy In Space for encouraging us to do this. Yeah, I'm sure I'm starting to sound like a stalker now but you really inspired us. You rule, you young wacky psycho you!
Thank you to our regulars! PJ, George, JasontakesPortland, That guy who's handle I forget but your blog is called Dawn of the Dad (Awesome pic of you and your Daughter!) and others who I'm sure I missed but can't look up since I'm using the Flintstones' computer, sorry. You guys have made this blog a blast to write for. I hope we keep you coming back.
You folks have welcomed us to crazy girly girls into the world of horror blogging with open arms and we appreciate your support.
I better stop because this is starting to sound like a really shitty Oscar speech. is the orchestra playing me off now?

If I don't post before the big 2-5 I hope you all have Happy and Creepy Holidays!
...oh and if a dirty looking santa with funny teeth and an ax knock on your door, don't let him in. Trust me.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Stuck - A Review

I promised John from Freddy In Space I would review this movie by Friday.
And now it is Saturday night...And I'll probably hit the post button sometime around Sunday.

I'm trying to give Stac's rant as much top blog time as possible because I think I snorted a french fry out of my nose while reading it. A garlic one. And it hurt. THAT'S how fucking funny it was!
So go read that if you haven't then come back and read this.

Okay...done now?

Moving on.

So Stuck was recommended by Freddy in Space. Well not really recommended, more like "Hey I haven't watched this! Lets all watch this together! "I am prone to the bandwagon syndrome. After all, I did have mall bangs once in my life.
Oh shut up, I'm sure most of you wore parachute pants and OP shirts at one time.
So I threw it up onto the Netflix cue.

Stuck is an interesting little film. The story is a simple one. White trashy Ghetto-licious nurse in an old folks home gets trashed at a club and hits a pathetic down on his luck loser walking across the street. Instead of calling 911, she drives the car home and locks it in the garage with the guy still stuck in her windshield. Hilarity ensues.

Now one thing I have to admit, I did not feel this movie was a horror film. I'm not sure why people are classifying it in the genre either. It comes across as a quirky drama/thriller. Now I'm open to just about all genres of films (though some chick flicks really grate at me) so that wasn't much of a disappointment. But if you were expecting an over the top hardcore gorefest be forewarned, It is NOT.

The movie's pacing was nice. I like how the characters were set up. Nurse Brandi (Mena Suvari) appeared at the beginning to be a compassionate, nice, though rather class-less young woman but as the film went on her character degenerated into one spineless selfish bitch. Likewise, victim Thomas (Stephan Rea) who begins comes across as a pathetic dead beat, stops being a victim and starts to take matters into his own hands...well as best as you can with being stuck half into a car windshield. The acting was good. Stephan Rea was a stand out, never going too over the top with his performance and keeping Thomas grounded as a real guy. Mena Suvari did a good job as well. She handled the transformation from sweet thing to scheming bitch very smoothly making it all feel natural. Of course the scene stealer was Russel Hornsby as Rashid, Brandi's manipulative cheating, E Dealing, douche boyfriend. He kept the levity in the movie despite the heavy subject matter and I really enjoyed watching his character sleaze his way across the screen.

The gore itself was neither clown gore nor was it over the top torture porn. It tended to fall into that category of "real life" gore which I particularly do not like. Yet there were some moments of over the top violence. Someone does get a pen to the eye and there is a cat fight that involved a frying pan to the head that was just slapstick funny. Much to my surprise, for a movie about a guy getting hit by a car, the gore was rather minimal.

The weakest point of this movie was the direction. It just couldn't make up its mind on what it wanted to be. Drama? Horror? Thriller? Dark Comedy? Social Commentary? It wanted to be all these things but never really put a firm foot into any of them for me to even consider putting it into those categories. I don't mind mixing my genres but make a decision and go with gusto! This unfortunately would drag the movie down as it tried to make up its mind on where it wanted to go. Luckily the performances and interesting subject matter kept me watching to the end. I'm glad too because the final showdown between Brandi and Thomas was funny and really intense. It was a great climax. A little lack luster of an ending, but a great climax.

My overall impression? It was entertaining. It was not what I would consider horror and the movie itself felt muddled. But it did have moments of entertainment and the third act is worth wading through the patchy first and second act of the movie. I wouldn't own it on DVD but it was worth the rental price.
If you're looking for a good quirky drama movie, this is a good one to watch. If you rather spend your money on some good quirky horror, rent ReAnimator instead.

You Should Know Better, Dammit

I had me a wee epiphany the other night.

I love horror movies, and obviously, so do you or you wouldn't be reading this, I presume. (Or you're my roommate. Hi, Bevin!) But as fans, we all have to admit that there can be some truly terrible entries into our beloved genre. I'm sure this applies across the board, regardless of the story, but for some reason horror's failures seem to be so much more.. vivid.. than its filmographic siblings.

Every style of film has its cliches, but none seem to make my blood boil to the same degree as some of the rampant stupidity that scary (or want to be) movies seem to spread all over the camera lens like rancid mayonnaise. This is lazy thinking at its finest, in my regard, and it can take an otherwise enjoyable watching experience and turn it into a weapon that I swear to God in heaven above was designed for the sole purpose of pissing me off. So I thought I would take this blog, turn it into a nifty cyber soap box, and figuratively climb upon it to scream into the darkness of the internet.

The first of many cliches that is absolutely guaranteed to make me chew on tin foil in the futile hopes of calming myself down off of this precipice of SHEER RAGE is everyone's favorite: the bull shit ending. You know what I mean here; its become a staple of low budget horror in particular, and you can basically guarantee that any macabre movie shown on the Sci Fi channel will do this. I'm referring to what I have dubbed The Negated Ending. This is where the film makers either show themselves to be greedy, "edgy", stupid, or all three. This is where the climax of the film has delivered its pay off, the evil is vanquished, the couple or group of friends, or siblings, or whatever the survivor pool is comprised of, quip tiredly off into the sunset, assured that because of the rules that allowed the evil to be summoned in the first place, the evil is now no more. There is usually no way that the threat of the film could come back-- the ghost is exorcised, the bad guy shot, the monster banished, the portal to hell closed. And then what fucking happens, like you don't already know?! Somehow, improbably, the threat is back, tries to throw a little BOOGABOOGA at you, like you didn't see it telegraphed about an HOUR ago, and then the credits role.

Attention film makers who pull this stunt: I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU GET LIP HERPES! AND I HOPE IT ITCHES!! STOP DOING THIS!!!!

The next stupid cliche that makes me so angry I get a burst blood vessel in my eyeball: the "shocking" betrayal that, once again, you probably picked up on before the main titles had come up on the screen. Can't people who claim to be friends just be fucking friends? Have these dip shits been in the movie machine for so long now that betrayal is simply a way of life? I get that not everyone is who they claim they are, but not everyone is a lying douche nozzle waiting for you to turn your back so they have a clearer view of where to plant the knife, either! If you think your friend would fuck you over for pot or money or a lay, don't take their asses into the jungle with you! Have a pal prone to emotionally crumbling? Make sure you don't get partnered with them in the abandoned, creepy hospital! Are you a spy or consorting with them? THEN TRUST NO ONE! (I'm looking at YOU Indiana Jones!) I'm also going to give everyone in the world a hint: if Jake Busey appears to you, claiming he's in need of aid, keep fucking driving!

This spills over a bit into character stereotypes: on the rare occasion that you have a self sufficient heroine, why is her boyfriend always a cheating, abusive piece of shit? I personally make it my goal to terrorize those I date into remaining faithful. I can guarantee you emasculation at best, and if I find out about your inability to keep your tonker in your Tuffkskins during a high stress situation like we're being chased by zombies, your ass is brain food for the shambling masses of the undead. Why is there no such thing as a surviving and healthy relationship? If the guy isn't a prick then Leatherface is going to plant a zipper in his chest and wear him around to do his crazy chainsaw dance in.

One last one (for now) and then I'll wrap, because I can most assuredly go on all night on this topic. Ask anyone who's seen me (or wound me up into a) rant; it can go on for hours, involves frothing at the mouth, wild gesticulation, volume, and then tends to degenerate into drinking a lot of tequila and sulking. And sometimes sleeping on Cins' kitchen floor, but that's a tale for anther time.

My final peevish irritation is pointed at faulty anatomy. It's thanks to this thought that I got the idea for this entry as well as a future article, so score one for irrational hatred. Is it that fucking hard to crack out an anatomy textbook or something, to verify that your killing blow will, in fact, kill? My most recent red flag in this instance is the ever popular stomach stab. Did you know that this is, actually, a really fucking horrible, lengthy way to die? Unless the stabbing object manages to nick the major artery in the back, along the spine and the victim bleeds out, most wounds of this kind can actually take a long time to kill the person it is inflicted on. Shock might do them in first, if they were lucky, but otherwise what is likely to set in is sepsis, caused by stomach acid leaking into the body's cavity. I would imagine that death will eventually result from a massive infection, or organ damage. You don't just go *STAB*, and the victim then dies to death. And it is sure as HELL not a merciful way to kill someone! For fuck's sake, people!

I know that common sense and suspension of disbelief don't often go hand in hand, but come ON! Meet me in the middle, will you? I'm warning you: this WILL be an ongoing thing. So very, very much of the world ANGERS ME!

Friday, December 19, 2008


I am a winner. I have won a SOMETHING from Mike and Sam at the Cadaver Lab (see side link and GO FUCKING VISIT if you have not yet!), because I correctly guessed the movie title of Sam's LAME ASS kill scene.

Congratulate me!

New content from yours truly tomorrow; I've been busy doing jack all and wondering just how far I can push offensive content on family members and claim it's a Christmas gift.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

A couple recomendations to sling at ya!

Just a quickie for today. I think Stac is currently celebrating her passing of logic and various math classes so I'm sure she's face down somewhere recovering from a drunken stupor...covered in Ball Joint Dolls and margarita mix.
Its really the only way to live. Really.

So I'm going to toss a couple quick recommendations your way that I happened upon on the web browsing travels at work.

1-Benevolent Street
I actually didn't stumble upon this place randomly. Johnny from Freddy In Space (one of my favorite blog stops on the web) has been talking about this place for a while and has joined the writing crew there. Since I really like Mr Johnny's reviews I decided to check it out. Its really a fun site full of reviews and horror news that I usually don't catch until I read I think my favorite feature so far is the "Neophyte Files: Horror Deconstructed" which are hilarious reviews by a non horror fan. I love the horror genre but even I can resist when someone mercilessly mocks it.
If you're looking for another fun blog to read at work, check it out! The staff are pretty awesome writers. I do believe Stac and I will have to visit their comments section.

2-Crow Scare
This is a web comic I saw linked up to Something Positive (and if you have not read Something Positive yet, why haven't you?) and appears to be an interesting horror comic. The basic premise of the comic so far is that there is a king crow out there in the world and BOY is he pissed. The first few panels promise an awesome gory time and the art work is simply stunning. It looks like the comic is just starting out so there isn't too much to read as a back log currently. A GREAT chance to make sure you can keep up with it.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

10 minutes of Terror: Ghost Ship

Woo hoo! Come spend another 10 Minutes of Terror with me, won't you?

This weeks 10 minutes come from Dark Castle Productions; Ghost Ship.

Okay...has anyone really seen this movie? Like, the WHOLE movie?

because I have...and its kind of crappy.

Its an interesting concept. A haunted ship that's collecting souls, a plucky young woman trying to get to the bottom of things, and a creepy looking little ghost kid which are all the things I would enjoy in a horror film. Alas, it wasn't executed very well. And honestly, I think Event Horizon did it better with the whole haunted ship/stealing souls thing.

But Event Horizon is another article for another time.

Regardless of me thinking the meat of the film is mildly entertaining at best, it's saved from being completely written off because it has one of the most surprisingly awesome opening scenes I've seen in a B horror film.

Here's the clip. It takes a while to set it up, but once it happens, you'll gasp...or laugh. Or Both! Either way, its surprising.

Okay, did you see THAT?!


I have to hand it to the Dark Castle people, what their movies lack in scares they make up for in creative clown gore. When I watched the special features on the Ghost Ship DVD they discussed this scene at great length. What the film makers wanted to do was to top the "half a lawyer" gag that had such a huge reaction in 13 Ghosts. So instead cutting one poor guy in half, they cut...well...50 people in half. The scene has a nice tempo and build up to something completely unexpected. What I thought was an interesting touch was how the little girl was spared because of her height, which made that moment of the captain's head sliding off its jaw all the more horrifying. Though I do think the best moment is the expression on everyone's faces right after the wire snapped.

Stac and I first saw this film together with our friend Bevin on one of our Blockbuster Video romps. It was a new release and with weren't expecting much from it. I do believe we replayed that opening about four times, each time ending with us squealing in girlish glee and clapping our petite pink nail polished hands together after the captain's head fell off. I later showed this to a friend of mine, and he as well squealed in girlish glee...I mean manly intense glee.
... he reads this blog.
It seems whoever I've shown that scene to, it usually ends with the words "EEE! Oh My God! That was awesome! Rewind that! EEE!" The second EEE being optional.

Unfortunately this is probably the best moment in the movie. There is a gleeful murder montage near the end of the film which reveals a bit of a twist. And while that is interesting to watch it really pales in comparison to the opening scene.

Do I think Ghost Ship is worth looking at? Well, its not horrible. At moments its kind of fun and campy and I think its worth the watch if you're looking for just a fun movie with little scares and lots of flashy camera tricks. But if that's not your thing, you just saw what I consider the best part right here.

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Signal: A Movie Recommendation

My Netflix queue reads like an entry on Slaughter, blood, killing; I tend to get macabre all over my hobbies. The latest on my list is an indie flick called The Signal, and I think it's my new favorite film, already added to my Amazon wish list.

The movie came out in 2007, written and directed by David Bruckner, Dan Bush, and Jacob Gentry, and is an independent film. I love to watch indy cinema because you can find some serious treasure in the trash heap of low budget fare that comes out every year. This movie did not have a single wrong note for me; the acting was very solid, the story was weird and frightening, and I found every reaction to be a believable response to the insanity trying to consume the characters.

The basic premise is this: everything electronic that receives some form of signal (t.v, radio, phones) have gone haywire. They all spit out distorted, undecipherable sound, and televisions are showing a strange abstract pattern that pulses along with the noise. This is the signal, and it tends to have a teensy weensy affect on a lot of people: it tells them to kill everyone around them. And most people listen. You see everything from being bludgeoned to death with a baseball bat to decapitation with a shovel to a really gruesome poisoning scene. You struggle along with the main characters, and see some pretty upsetting stuff along the way.

There is a lot of emotion in this film, and the characters have more depth than I was expecting. I'm honestly a little in love with this film-- it's a strangely beautiful story, and I want to watch it again already. Major applause it due to all involved, from the writers/directors, to the main cast of actors: Anessa Ramsey as Mya, AJ Bowen as Lewis, Justin Welborn as Ben, Cheri Christian as Anna, and Scott Poythress as Clark.

Cins, you HAVE to check this out, seriously, you'll love it.

Those who read here, check it out, and tell us what you think! GO! GO NOW!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

For the love of Zombie! Why Cins loves the Undead.

Zombie movies are my favorite.
I love them.

I'm in this photo. Can you guess who I am?

I loved them ever since I saw my first zombie shamble across my television screen in Night of the Living Dead. Hell, I remember falling in love with zombies when I heard a radio commercial for Return of the Living Dead on the radio. There was something about that one actor moaning "Brraaaaaains" that really tickled me as a kid.

Since then I try to seek out interesting movies or literature on the subject on the undead.

So what makes me so fascinated with the zombie genre?A few things actually.

The versatility of the subject is one thing I find attractive. Much like vampires, its pretty easy to change up the zombie lore and make it your own. Originally, from what I've gathered, zombies in the Voodoo religion were people put under control by a powerful sorcerer usually to do some sort of bidding... probably of the evil kind. The theory is a person is given a zombie drug which makes them appear dead. They are buried, dug up, then revived, usually in a "zombie" like state where they act only the the sorcerer or bokor's will. Keep in mind all I really know about voodoo is what I read on Wikipedia and what I've seen in Serpent and the Rainbow. So if I'm wrong or you have more facts, please feel free to share!
Romero is the grandaddy of all zombie movies and brought zombies into the main stream. He created his own mythology and his slow moving, flesh hungry undead are what we're most familiar with. Romero created such a mysterious mythology that other film makers were able to take the concept and run with it...literally if you look at the Dawn of the Dead Remake. We now have fast zombies like in Dawn of the Dead Remake, the infected in 28 Days Later, the genetically enhanced zombies from Resident Evil, and the domesticated docile zombies in Fido among other countless brands of zombies. Each brand was created in a different way (disease, terrorism, God getting pissed, all of the above, etc). The zombie can be reinvented over and over each time with a different twist or mythos. Even if you hate fast zombies or don't consider the infected really zombies just turn around and BAM there's another zombie movie that may be suited for your taste! As a writer or a director, its a creative subject with endless possibilities. As a viewer, it never gets old.

Another thing I love about the zombie genre is its vast epic feel. There is a rather nihilist approach to the genre, a simplicity that other horror lack. Its simply this; the dead are rising, we're all fucked. Everything we know of gets devoured and destroyed. As humans we're reduced to our wits, instincts, and any weapons we can scrounge up. No one is safe from a zombie attack. You could be the most powerful person in the world but that won't stop you from becoming a victim. And there are millions of them. MILLIONS. Zombies can't be bargained with and you sure as hell can't come to a truce with them. Its kill or become one of them.
A great example of this epic destruction is Max Brooks amazing novel World War Z.

What is so fascinating about this novel is its not all about the flesh eating zombie folks. Its about the crumbling of civilization on a global scale. He goes into depth about what would happen geographically, politically, and socially if the Zombie Apocalypse came. A zombie isn't just a pesky menace like a werewolf or vampire. While vampires and werewolves are capable of spreading their "infection" to others, they are still in control of their conscious thought. So even if the vampires or werewolves were evil, they still are in control of who they kill or turn. Zombies are mindless killing machines acting only on instinct. One zombie can destroy the whole world. We're not just concerned about a few plucky victims running for safety, we're worried that the entire planet is doomed. A serial killer is scary but the complete end of the world as we know it is terrifying. Not only is it the end of the world but if you get caught by one of these guys you will die AND be forced to become something horrifying. A scary guy like Michael Myers makes me jump. Zombies haunt me for a while afterwards.

The zombie genre is one I can easily play in. Its a fantastic "What if" story that really does make you think. What if the end came? What if the dead walks again? What if my grandma tried to eat me? What would I do? My husband and I spend a good deal of long car trips playing the "How to survive the zombie Apocalypse" game. Its like playing a game of Stratego....very bloody and decayed Stratego. We sit and wonder where the safe zones would be in our city, what we would bring, where we would loot (yes, I said loot), and other survival tactics. For the most part I have to say we have a pretty good contingency plan for the rising of the dead.

Can't help lovin' that man 'o mine.

Zombies capture my imagination. They fascinate and frighten me all at once. They make me think about my own morality and will to survive. And of course you can kill them in several different entertaining ways. And while I love all types of horror from slasher to ghost, zombies tend to be on the top of my list.

Thoughts? Share! Sharing is caring, folks!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Baked Out of My Gourd, and No Where to Go..

I managed to throw my back out again, so I'm currently riding high on the Vicodin/muscle relaxer wave, and I keep thinking really weird thoughts.

So I decided I would try and parlay this weirdness into something productive: What is the weirdest movie scene you've ever seen? One that really stuck with you? Like tripped out, balls to the wall, gotta sleep with a night light weird?

For me it would have to be Robert Blake in Lost Highway. If you've seen the movie.. you know the scene. You know it.

Imagine yourself in Bill Pullman's character's place. Imagine this.. thing, accosting you like this, surrounded by people, and suddenly you are more alone and threatened than you have ever been in your life.

Robert Blake's alleged crimes not withstanding, he is legitimately one of the scariest men I have ever seen, compliments of this film. Is it because his eyes are so black and his face is so white? Is it the way his eyes are open just a little too wide on top, while the bottom lid has not dropped down far enough? Is it the smile, that comes too wide, and leaves too abruptly? I don't know.

But imagine that at the foot of your bed.

Now please, share your personal moments of tripping out, even whilst clear headed (as I was when I watched Lost Highway); I would love to hear what scares you!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

CAT FIGHT! Who will win!?!

Sorry about the late post, folks. Cins here got stuck on the split shift which screwed up her schedule.

Unfortunately I'm rather brain dead to write an in depth article so instead I am posting some fun filled discussion fodder.

In an all out balls to the walls cat fight, who would win?

Samara from The Ring


Kayako from Ju On (aka The Grudge)

My money's on Kayako. I think she's more prone to being a sneaky bitch. Samara has to wait seven days to freakin' do anything.

And while we're at it...

Toshio from Ju On (aka The Grudge)

Gage from Pet Cemetery.

I think Gage can wipe the floor with that meowing little bastard. Afterall, he's already skilled with a razor at the tender age of 2.

3 2 1


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The WiIlies: Stac Does a Movie Review, and it's NOT about Penii.

I love Halloween. From Halloween until Christmas is my favorite time of the the year; I just love sliding from spooky to fuck I ate too much to oh you shouldn't have fuck I ate too much again. Then I generally cap the year off by getting drunk and making a LOT of noise come midnight on the 31st. (Be glad you're not my neighbor; bells and pots and wooden spoons are involved.) Halloween signals the beginning of the season that houses one of my greatest vices: cheap, horrible movies. Cue today's entry from one of the girliest horror fans out there.

The Willies came out in 1991, and was directed and written by Brian Peck. It was the only movie he directed but he's acted in stuff! Oh my yes! He was Scuzz in Return of the Living Dead, for starters. As a result, there are several cast members from both Return and it's first sequel. Sorry boys, no Linnea Quigley butt or Barbie appliance for you.

I got this bad boy for 5$ at the local Fred Meyer's (it's in the Krogers family for those of you on the east coast); in fact, it might even have been a two for 5$ sale, now that I think on it. I can't recall what I got with it, but I'll dig through my DVD mountain soon enough and remember. And then probably review it for this site.

I'm going to warn you: I will spoil the hell out of this movie. So if this is one you've just been DYYYYING to see, I suggest you get busy doing that before you read on. So fair warned ye be!

This was a weird movie, but I was really surprised by how much I enjoyed it. It almost seems like it was a kids movie originally; it's like kiddie Creep Show, basically. For all that it's surprisingly gory; it feels more like it should have come out in the mid to late '80's instead of the early '90's, if that makes any sense. If it doesn't, well.. I don't really care.

We start with three kids, in the dark trying to light their lantern for an adventurous night of backyard camping. The cousins are Mike, Josh, and I think Jake. It doesn't really matter however, as they serve more as narration. They're the bookends to the tales they tell, trying to wig each other out with "true" stories. Hilariously, the older cousin is played (and very well, I might add) by Sean Astin. I was so in love with him in Goonies. I wanted to marry Mikey, and live in his plastic bubble with him! I was even excited when I was diagnosed, about a year later, with asthma. Because I was like Mikey! Then I tried to run, started gasping like an oxygenated fish, and threw up, and then I didn't want to be like Mikey anymore.

We start with the classic urban legend: the ol' Kentucky fried rat story (here it's the "Tennessee Fricassee" chain) . In this version a caricature of a fat woman sits down to eat a whole eighteen piece bucket, and guess the first piece she digs into! I have to give this actress props; she really bites into this thing, and this horrible, clear strand pulls from the rat into her mouth. I'm sure it was latex or something equally toxic, but it reminded me of the nasty tendons you get sometimes when you eat chicken. And that is far nastier in my cookbook, thank you very much.

She freaks, spits it out, we cut back to the boys in the tent. Two things caught my attention here: first, Mike (Sean Astin) says she got an extra crispy recipe rat. That rat was clearly original if it was anything. Second is the best euphemism for yakking that I have ever heard: "The urge to regurge". I am so getting that on a bumper sticker. The sheer WTF? value alone will be astronomical.

Our next story take place in California, at Wacky Land, on the Haunted Estates ride. I'm sure you can make the connection, yes? The urban legend here is the claim that originally the ride was so scary that an old man died of fright on it, they closed the ride, and had to dumb it down lest any other ticket holders kack it in one of the Doom Buggies.

The best part about this, for me, is that I know the Haunted Mansion ride so well I could spot all the parodies. I know the ride-through and Grim Grinning Ghosts by heart; I know I drive Cins nuts because I always have to go on that ride at least twice when we're at the park together. The "Ghost Host" was present, as well as the Doom Buggies (aka "omnimovers"). However, the Haunted Mansion has no live action zombies, nary a Jack the Ripper cutting a tart's throat (which sprayed green blood, weirdly. Perhaps she was a Vulcan tart? My dad will be so proud of me for making that joke. Because he's a NERD.) The hitchhiking ghosts that follow you home from the Haunted Mansion are also far more benign, even Ezra, who is the tall, skinny, grinning one. Here we have hitchers such as "Farmer Hackit, ready to whack it". That's an axe murder joke, not a masturbation reference.

After that entertaining bit is the urban legend I hate the most: the damn poodle in the microwave. I'll admit, I looked away and played with one of my Barbie dolls until the poodle exploded. The explosion bit was actually pretty funny, and apparently this dog was made almost exclusively of pus, since that's what spooged all over Pookums' owner.

Then we get into the first of the two main stories: what happened to Danny Hollister at school one day. But before this story starts there's a great bit; Mike is telling the story (for the final time I will remind you that he's played by Sean Astin), and when he informs his cousins that he's got a great story the older cousin replies "This isn't about the time you and your friends found a pirate ship in a cave, again, is it?" I am a geek. I laughed. Hard.

Danny has bully troubles in the form of a little dickhead named Rudie. Personally, I think the fact that his name was flipping Rudie has a lot to do with his disposition. Rudie and his two goons like to torment poor nerdy Danny; all of them appear to be in about fourth grade.

Danny is released from his fire hose penthouse by the kindly janitor, Mr. Jenkins, played by the awesome James Karen. You might remember him from Return of the Living Dead as well; he played Frank, the older of the duo that learns the hard way the a face full of Trioxin is hell on your.. you. The kindly janitor assures little Danny that someday both Rudie and Miss Titmarsh, Danny's vicious teacher, will probably get what's coming to them. That comeuppance occurs about ten minutes later.

Danny is allowed to go to the bathroom only by classroom vote, and while in there he notices that the janitor's cart is in there, sans janitor. He also notices a large monster in the handicapped stall. The monster is great; a very obvious puppet, which I love. A practical effect always gets a smiley face from me, even if this movie in no way, shape, or form had the budget to afford even the crappiest of CGI effects, not in 1991.

Danny runs back to his classroom, and promptly pisses his pants. His teacher, ever prepared to be a castrating hag, tells him he's disgusting, and makes him go back to bathroom to clean up. He complies, instead of heading for the hills and perhaps deciding that a life of solitude in a cave is best for him. He finds the janitor's body and head, separate of one another, and assumes the monster has killed the janitor. We the audience know that the head is the mask! THE JANITOR IS THE MONSTER! Hope I didn't ruin a seventeen year old movie for ya.

The janitor spares Danny, who is a good boy, and instead eats Miss Titmarsh, who I'm pretty sure I had for English in seventh grade, as well as Rudie, and Rudie's two toadies. One of the toadies is played by Jeremy Miller, who was Ben Seaver on Growing Pains; this becomes pertinent in the second segment.

Danny has had enough, and walks away from the school (after trapping the bullies in the bathroom), shaking his head. The poor kid's had a rough day. An asshole and his two boot lickers shredded his drawing and then strung him up with a firehouse, he peed his pants, and now he's an accessory to murder. I think he needs a glass of Qwik and some Ninja Turtle time. Clu Gulugar pops up here in a cameo as the principle, surveying the ruin of what was once the boys bathroom. And a teacher. And some kids. It was aces.

We then learn, from Mike, that Mr. Jenkins, the janitor, was never caught, and he moves from school to school, killing rotten kids. I would have LOVED Mr. Jenkins when I was in elementary school. But it's cool; I'm sure that all of my tormentors are either crack whores or their pimps now. Life is good.

Our next segment is told by the cousins to Mike, about one Gordy Belcher, which might just be the coolest damn name ever. Gordy is played by Micheal Bower, also known as Donkey Lips on Salute Your Shorts, a show I wasted faaar too many of my teen years watching.

Gordy is a strange boy; he's antagonistic and sullen, and appears to be feuding with old Farmer Spivy, who is constantly running Gordy off of his property. Gordy steals the farmer's secret, special manure to attract and catch flies, which he then torments horribly. This is the part that I found off-putting. Don't get me wrong; I hate flies and squish the little fuckers with glee. But the wings were clearly being torn off of living flies for the sake of this movie, and I think that's more than a bit much. Either kill 'em outright, or leave 'em the hell alone. I don't know how they didn't get grief from the Humane Society over this, but I did notice that the usual "no animals were harmed" schpiel was absent from the closing credits.

Gordy then gasses his little captives, using nail polish remover, and glues them into bizarre dioramas, all whilst sitting, alone, in his basement. I see a burgeoning serial killer on the horizon, folks.

I have no idea if you're supposed to identify with Gordy's isolation or not; all I noticed is that he's effing weird. He puts fly wings in the raisin container in the kitchen, pretends to wash his hands after handling flies AND harsh chemicals, and even bakes dead flies into cookies that he gets his classmate to eat! The hell?! Who does this?! My personal revenge schemes tend to be more direct, I guess. Punch 'em and you're done.

Gordy then has a nice little trip out that night, having a nightmare about farmer Spivy and the flies ganging up on him. This featured a really grotty scene with maggots in his inhaler. That one hit a little close to home. It also had a bizarre bit with Mike and Carol Seaver, again from Growing Pains, and played by Kirk Cameron and Tracy Gold. I assumed initially it was just a clip from an actual episode, but then it's revealed that Mike Seaver is squishing flies.. FOR GORDY BELCHER!

This culminates with farmer Spivy deciding to make amends, and giving Gordy a "special" batch of his secret manure. What is so secret about poop I have no idea, but I'm not a farmer, so there you go. Gordy gets home in time to get grounded by his mom for the cookie stunt, and he is horrified to discover that she has thrown out all of his fly.. art. But she missed a strip of fly paper, and he dumps them in the special manure, and goes to bed.

He wakes to flies SO HUGE that they appear to be short people in silly costumes! THE HORROR! Gordy's parents, which consist of his dishrag of a mother and dickhead of a father, hear a crash and rush upstairs to find their son, sans arms. The flies are each holding one of his severed arms, a tribute to all of the flies whose wings Gordy has torn off. The fact that we could clearly see the actor's arms tucking into his jammie top is NOT IMPORTANT.

We end the scene with a later shot of Gordy, who miraculously survived both blood loss and shock. He is now laying out on a hammock in the yard, with two prosthetic arms that terminate in hooks. He swats uncomfortably at a fly on his face, end scene. How they managed to resist a bout of "and the bloody hook was on the door" is beyond me. I also have no idea how farmer Spivy knew about Gordy's fly lust, or how he and the flies cooked up this plot, but who cares! Fly people! FLY PEOPLE!

The movie then closes out on the cousins each casting doubts on the other's story, and Mike's father comes out to check on the boys. It is then revealed that Uncle Frank is...



This movie was actually a lot of fun; it held my attention, which was more than I expected. The acting from Sean Astin and James Karen was great, and the stories are suitably weird and funny. I'd give it a recommend, personally. It's also hilariously low budget; watch for the "fireflies" that are clearly Christmas lights in a jar. I love stuff like that.

I also have to really commend the sets; actual schools were used, and in the case of the first story, I was feeling some serious nostalgia. Borax hand soap in the dispensers that you pushed the long metal tab up into, old desks with the seats attached and the desktop flipping up to store books, etc. Ahh.. I really hated elementary school.

It's a silly, fun movie, and don't let the fact that Sean Astin looks like a pedo in the cover art (as seen above) dissuade you.

Also, the tent flap the monster is pulling open in that picture? Totally looks like a labia to me.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Joys of "Clown Gore" Now with Visuals!

Okay, to calm the masses (Yup, all seven of you) I shall post something incoherent and not as sex filled as usual!

So I was thinking this morning...
Its quite a feat since I am not a morning person and tend to shy from coffee unless desperate. Something about not wanting to have the caffeine addiction and my paranoid brain...

Regardless, I was thinking this morning about my views on gore in movies.

Nah, not really a soap box rant, just my views on what I like. I've made it no secret that I am not a gore hound. My favorite style of horror films are the "less is more" style. Its not every one's favorite but I assure you my twisted imagination is far more scary than anything Eli Roth can show me.
But you try Eli! And Kudos to you! You're still my adorable little elf man of horror. I may not like your movies too much but I would love to pinch your cheeks and keep you in my pocket so I bring you out for parties and dazzle everyone with your horror trivia knowledge.
I bet he's a tall man which makes what I said sound even more stupid than it did.

But I digress...because I lack coffee.

Anyways, despite not being a gore hound, I do find it acceptable. Far be it from me to turn my nose up at gore. But I'm extremely picky with my gore. I'm not a fan of torture porn like Hostel or Captivity. I'm a fan of over the top gore. Creative gore. What I like to call "Clown Gore".

The definition of "Clown Gore"- over the top craziness in horror films that would not or could not happen in real life because it probably defies physics. Things that are so outrageous that it almost makes me laugh or hiss and yell "OOOH! JEEEEEZE!"...THEN laugh.

I suppose it says a lot about society that I am laughing at something so horrific. But that is the beauty of horror films. A way to release tension. And when the gore is crazy, I can detach myself from the act and just enjoy the visuals, creativity, and craftsmanship of the gore happening. I consider horror escapism. I don't WANT to be in jeopardy and frankly I don't want a horror film to disturb me to the point where I'm not enjoying what I spent my money on. But I love to watch movies that give me a thrill. And "Clown Gore" is quite a thrill.

Here's some of my favorite movie "Clown Gore" moments to give an example of what I mean.

13 Ghosts (The Remake)

Anyone remember the "Half a Lawyer" gag? Its the money shot of the film. The sequence is a good combo of CGI and live action as well. Now, I seriously doubt you'd be able to cut a human being in half like that with such precision in real life with a glass door. There is BOUND to be some squishing somewhere. But the scene still made me sit up and yell "AWESOME!". It was unexpected and spectacular.

Dead Alive

This whole MOVIE is nothing BUT Clown Gore. The ear in the soup, the lawn mower massacre. Peter Jackson knows his gore gags which in turn make you WANT to gag. Regardless, the film takes quite the hilarious light turn and makes you squick at the same time. Once again, I don't see many things in this movie happening like that in real life. In fact I don't WANT to see that happening in real life. But the creativity is tops and the splatter is quite fun.

The Evil Dead Series

Spam in a cabin anyone? This was the birth of splatter horror and definitely some of the best over the top effects in horror films. The stop motion in the first one is cheep but fun and effective. Its the fantasy aspect that gets you. Its not real but its not SO fake that you don't get involved.

Silent Hill
The scene where Pyramid Head rips the skin off of Anna's naked body is insane! I honestly did not expect that. Not only does he rip it off in one movement but he then THROWS it at our heroes?! What the hell, Pyramid Head! You have some anger issues. Actually everyone in this movie has anger issues. That scene along with some nasty bits with barbed wire at the end turned what could have been an average video game film into some fantastic horror.
This Scene really needs to be watched.

Do I REALLY need to mention which scene? Seriously? Okay I'll give you a hint. It involves a little head..I mean that both literally and in inuendo.
If you guys don't know what I'm talking about, then go rent the movie, NOW.

This isn't the ONLY gore I like mind you but if I'm going to choose a movie based strictly on gore, I'm going to choose a film where a guy's head explodes in a Technicolor dream over a long realistic, gruesome, torture scene.

There is an argument that over the top gore can take you out of the reality of the situation. And it can in some cases. "Clown Gore" would not work in films like Se7en, Last House on the Left, or Funny Games (just for the record, I have not seen Funny Games past random clips). But that's not what those films are about. I consider those films more along the lines of horror drama than straight pure horror. They focus more on the reality of the situation rather than the sensationalism.

Now, while I do love over the top gore in horror films, I do believe that a movie needs more than JUST over the top gore to make a horror film great. The above films were mentioned because I found them all to have interesting story lines and fun characters I care about. Without that you pretty much have the equivalent of a kindergartner finger painting with roadkill.
I'm sure someone out there would love that image.
So..thoughts on my incoherent Rambling?
Movie review from me tomorrow; tonight I have to study hard for my Logic final. Forty-five percent of the exam is going to be on deductive proofs.

Talk about horror.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

A Webcomic Reccomendation

Hey all!

I hope those of you who celebrate it are having a nice holiday time, regardless of the name of your festivities, and that those of you who don't celebrate are having a nice winter.

I got my tree today, and currently it has lights, the star, one ornament, and very small black cat who is convinced I have built him a fort.

Apropos of nothing, I have arbitrarily decided to use that above as a segue. I have a web comic to recommend, a really great, weird one. Has anyone here read Scary Go Round, by John Allison? If you're curious the link is in the side bar, and if you're really lazy, there's a link here: Scary Go Round.

John hails from England, so put on your humour caps. The strip feels British, as pretentious as that sounds, but what is so fun about this strip is that it is frequently weird, and nonsensical (especially if Shelley is involved). It also uses some dirty words, so Cins shall not be allowed to read as she is delicate and prone to fits of the vapors.

There is no really concrete story; there is a core groups of friends who frequently engage in some serious shenanigans; everything from clashes with one toothed witches who live in caves to being held captive on a tropical isle by villains who are too cartoony for Bond. Zombification occurs at one point, and little green gnomes have been known to get cheeky; a lot of people die, and it's usually hilariously. The real moral of this strip, if one can be plucked from the nebulous world this group of friends inhabit, is don't fucking live in Little Tackleford, not if you want to continue to breathe.

This strange little tale evolved (vastly) from the writer's previous strip, which I think was originally called Dobbins? Originally it was something about a group of friends who worked at a newspaper, but John Allison changed the story hugely, and just kept the characters. It's not a linear comic at all, and I love it all the more for it! Eventually I want to get some of his book collections, and definitely a few of the awesome t-shirts he's designed!

It's funny, weird, frequently gory, and all around great! Please give it a look, and give John your love-- people with awesome vision and talent need encouragement!

10 Minutes of Terror-28 Weeks Later

Welcome back to another installment of Cins' "10 Minutes of Terror"!

And just to answer Stac's question; 10 minutes of terror should really have nothing in common with "7 minutes in heaven" ...unless you're into that sort of thing.

Today's ten minutes come from the sequel of a beloved film of mine. 28 Days Later is one of my all time favorite zombie movies. Yeah, yeah, I know there is the great debate of if its really a zombie movie or not. Purists say no no. I say it has all the qualities of a zombie movie, therefor in my brain, its a fucking zombie movie....well not a "fucking" zombie movie because that would be completely different and Stac would probably be writing an article on that instead of me.

But I digress.

28 Weeks Later is the sequel to 28 Days Later. By the time 28 Weeks later starts up, the infected have started dying off from starvation. The U.S. has occupied England and quarantined London, making it a safe place for non infected people to live again. I won't get into too much more since this isn't a review of the film. I will say that I feel 28 Weeks Later pales in comparison with Danny Boyle's stark, frighting, yet bizarrely optimistic original film. I found myself constantly comparing 28 Weeks to 28 Days and finding the movie just wasn't as good. Despite that, 28 Weeks Later is a great stand alone film and definitely worth the watch. It has some genuine moments of complete balls to the walls terror in it. so if you do watch it, try not to think too much about the original and you're good to go.

One of the best sequence in the film I believe is the first seven minutes.

Here's the Clip:

Now take a moment to catch your breath.

All set now?

Let's begin.

The opening of the film really calls back to the original filming style of 28 Days Later. The video tape quality, the jerky camera, and the fast cuts are all there. It is a bit cleaner than the original but it keeps the flavor well. What I love is the bleak, quiet beginning of the dinner with the survivors. You get just enough character development to feel involved with them before all hell breaks loose. I also love the use of light. As a viewer, you're convinced this scene is taking place in the evening until the door is is opened and that blinding daylight catches you unawares.
You're not only shocked by the attack from the infected but completely disoriented by the time of day.
The action is fast, bloody and unrelenting. Actually, its a great introduction on how all the action is in this film. It also gives you a good in site into what the film's mood is going to be. The moment Don leaves his wife Alice behind (Quite the dick move on Don's part) you know this film is not going to have that bonding camaraderie that 28 Days had. In 28 Weeks Later it's every man for himself. If you're not fast enough, you are zombie chow. The most chilling visual is the shaky long shot of Alice in the upstairs window banging on the glass then suddenly, she is pulled out of site. You never even hear her screams outside the house.

The opening scene is extremely breathtaking and happily enough, it is not the only good action sequence in the film. 28 Weeks Later has a little bit of down time and exposition after this, then BAM it starts on its downward spiral into fast zombie Hell. It doesn't give you a lot of time for character development but the pace of the film more than makes up for that.

Even if it doesn't have the emotional impact, great characters, or beautiful philosophy that 28 Days Later has, 28 Weeks Later is worth the rental fee for its action alone. Check it out if you have the chance. If for anything. to see this opening scene in better quality.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Horror/Metal Connection?

I noticed over on the Cadaver Lab forums that there seems to be a strange separation of the sexes. All there are, of course, horror fans, but for some reason all of the male fans also love love love metal music, whereas the female fans seem to feel pretty "Meh" about this musical styling.

Why is that, do you think? If you're a metal and a horror fan, explain yourself! Now! I must make the connection between cock and Insane Clown Posse! Other than the obvious homoerotic over tones, that is. ;)

Now, sexually I have an innie. I'm not anti metal (or peen. Rowrl!)but I'm not wet for it or anything. I used to rock out to Poison, but junior high school was a long, long time ago, and I think we can all agree that Poison isn't really what you'd call "hard core".

I listen to most kinds of music, but I tend to gravitate towards gothabilly, with a side of punk and a liberal garnish of Tom Waits. I also listen to musicals. Because I have a vagina and that's part of our girl code. If you don't listen and like it your union dues get upped so the rest of us can buy the Phantom of the Opera in Mexican Spanish. Then we have a pillow fight in our panties and practice kissing.

Is it the angry thing? Does it get you hard? (It's okay, I freely admit that a lot of music turns me on. Be honest. We're all friends here. I won't put it on my billboard, I promise. Truuust me.) Stress relief? Or is this some mysterious boy thing like touching yourself in public?

I hate not knowing! INFORM ME!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Review: Diary of the Dead

Holy Crap! Creepy Kitch is doing an ACTUAL movie review?!

I just popped Diary of the Dead into the PS3 last night to give it a whirl. And I figured I might as well give it a review.

Now a little background on my taste. I am an avid zombie movie fan. Its my favorite sub-genre in horror. I am a fan of fast AND slow zombies and feel both of them have a place in today's society (lets not fight, fellas! We can all get along!). I also have a ton respect for George Romero and feel he was the one who really launched the genre into what it is today. He is the "zombie grandaddy" and we should pay homage to him by leaving fresh brains on his doorstep in his honor!
(To all the psycho stalkers reading this blog...I didn't mean it seriously. Please do not leave bio-hazzards on Mr. Romero's doorstep.)

After watching Diary of the Dead I only have one question.

Oh George, why?

Diary of the Dead is the latest installment of Romero's "...of the Dead" series. While all the movies in the series aren't necessarily related directly to each other they all have a flow through line and kinship that keeps them linked together. The Plot of Diary of the Dead is as follows: A group of college film students find themselves in the middle of the zombie apocalypse and they decide to document their experience a' la Cloverfield/Blair Witch Project style.
Here's the Trailer:

Now I thought that sounded like a good concept. I'm a sucker for the "shaky cam" style and I love zombies. This looked like a good match! Unfortunately, I felt that Romero really didn't have much of a grasp on what the whole "shaky cam" concept was about.

My main complaint with this film was how it was shot. While I can understand that the character with the camera was a film student and knew how to handle one, everything seemed too well done. The camera work was very steady, the cuts were very clean and the angles were always spot on perfect. This, unfortunately took me out of the moment. Now I don't think every "Shaky cam" movie need to induce nausea but the fact that this movie looked SO polished made my suspension of disbelief completely shatter. I found myself constantly asking: Why are they doing this? Why do you have a camera? What is the point! Put down the camera and HELP someone! This combined with the other footage from security cameras and cell phones, all which was also shot in a far too professional matter, came across less as a raw film and more as a reenactment from Unsolved Mysteries. Another complaint involves the dialog. Once again, for a movie that was supposed to come across as raw, it felt completely scripted. The characters spent so much time waxing poetic about their predicament that I wanted them to get eaten just to shut them up! The message the script was offering was a jumbled mess. I wasn't sure what Romero was trying to say here. I narrowed it down to the following: The media of today is desensitizing us, the youth of today is too reliant on media, Today's generation is not worth saving from the undead, and don't mess with Texas. Yes, movies can have more than one message but these were all so vague that I wasn't sure what the hell this film was trying to tell me.

The general impression I received from this film was that George Romero set out to make a film about today's youth and media but had no idea what today's youth and media was about. I visualized poor George trying to figure out how to do a hand held camera then getting frustrated and screaming 'Fuck it! We'll shoot it the old fashioned way and I'll just punch the camera man from time to time to shake him!" The movie would have come off a lot better if it was shot as a traditional film using only wacky editing tricks and odd footage to shake things up a bit.

Now the style it was shot in and the script weren't my only complaints here. The zombie attacks were pretty damn lack luster as well. The movie had your traditional shambling slow moving zombies. I have no problem with slow zombies. I LOVE slow zombies! But what I find frightening about slow zombies are the sheer volume of them. One zombie? kind of freaky. Hundreds of zombies? Down right terrifying. Romero was always able to convey the constant relentless onslaught of the undead in his past films. Unfortunately, Diary of the Dead didn't have that feeling on volume that Night of, Dawn of, Day of, and Land of had. Zombies attacked the characters much like ninjas attack Chuck Norris. One at a fucking time. Zombies are slow but they're not THAT slow. These zombies were not scary. The characters would convey their horror by staring at them slack jawed for a while, discussing what they were as the undead shambled on over, then lazily shoot them a few times until they realized a head shot worked.

There were some decent Zombie death gags here and there. The defibrillator on the face and the bottle of acid smashed over a zombie's head were really great ideas and vintage Romero. Unfortunately they suffered from overuse of CGI and looked not as gory and fantastic as they could have.

I could go on and on about why this movie was no good. But its greatest crime was being boring. Yup. It was extremely dull. While Romero's films are not action packed thrill rides of explosions, he does have a wonderful knack of building tension and creating interesting characters trapped in that tension. Diary of the Dead had neither. It wasn't even so bad it was good. It was just boring as hell, then over. I wouldn't even call it a flaming bag of dog poo. It's just a boring, easily forgotten film.
If you want a good zombie film in the "shaky cam" style check out [REC] instead which is far superior. You can probably find it on google video.

Unless you're a die hard Romero fan and are determined to see all of his ...of the Dead films, I would suggest skipping this one. If you're REALLY determined to see them, here is a very short list of highlights you can skip to:


-A zombie getting a defibrillator in the face.

-A zombie getting a bottle of acid broken over his head

-a zombie getting pinned to the wall with an arrow in his head.

-Samuel, the deaf Amish guy.

-Samuel killing a zombie by shoving his own scythe through the front of his head and the back of the zombie's head that's biting him.

-Zombie water garden in a pool.

And that's pretty much it. And you may be able to find most of these clips on YouTube.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Real Life Terror or: When Skinny Dipping Goes WRONG.

Hey all! I'm going to post something that happened to me several years ago. I'll have more original content after next week, but I'm hitting the last week of classes, and after that is finals, so I've really, really gotta put my had down if I'm going to pass Logic. I find it insulting that Logic is not in fact, logical.

I've told this story a few times in the past; it's all true, and it remains one of the scariest things that's ever happened to me. I’m going to warn you though, this is a long story. This happened several years ago now, to myself and three other friends. Let me preface this by explaining that this is in Washington state, where I still reside. My friends and I joke that we export apples, timber, and serial killers. We’re only half kidding on the last point; for some reason Washington has churned out some scary, scary people.

It was just before my 18th birthday, and I had just gotten back from a two week mission trip to Honduras. I had also graduated from high school, along with two of the three friends involved in this escapade. To celebrate my return, myself and my friends Kari, Jessika, and Bevin, decided it would be great fun to go to the local watering hole and skinny dip. There was pretty minimal risk, or so we thought, since the gates to the lake are locked at sun down. We were going to park by the river and hike into the lake through the forest.

The lake is several miles out of town, so there were NO lights out there. It was PITCH. Thankfully Kari, who I swear should have been a boy scout (except she doesn't have, you know, a peen), had a couple of flashlights, otherwise I’m sure one of us (probably me) would have broken an ankle. As we’re hiking in we’re having a grand ol’ time, giggling, teasing, trying to scare each other. It was even funnier because Bevin had just finished a Twin Peaks marathon, so I kept telling her Bob was gonna get her. We were teenagers; being dicks to one another is just what you do at that age.

We make it in after who knows how long in the dark, strip down, hit the water, blah blah. I was all ready for a nice gossipfest, but one of our group is very earth mother/ granola, and she kept ruining it for the rest of us. I wanted to talk about the alleged homosexual experimentation that is said to have occurred at a birthday party. It was delicious to think of all of the homophobic, manly men jocks that I graduated with, going in for a long, wet, licky-time make out session! I didn’t care WHY people had done what we were gossiping about; I just wanted to giggle over it!

So far the experience has been pretty lackluster; the water was warm, but that was about it. We kept hurting our feet and falling over because the ground was so rocky where we had waded out. I think we had different reasons for doing what we were doing, as well; my granola-inclined friend I think expected this to be very “womyn bonding, one with nature”, I just wanted to make mischief. One friend was only along for the ride, and the last was following my line of thought.

After only about 20 minutes we decided we’d had enough, and climbed out to dry off and head back into town. This is when it gets weird and scary. The lake is man-made, and cut out of the surrounding forest. There’s only one access road in, which as I mentioned before is locked at night. But the lake its self is sort of like a meadow with a lake on one side. So once you’re in, the area opens up quite a lot. We were at one end of the open area, across the open expanse from the forest where we hiked in. We were about half dressed when we saw it.

A flashlight. Heading our way from the same direction we had come from.

Oh. Shit.

Our first concern is that we are busted so hard. We’re trespassing on county property, there are signs clearly posted all over the place, someone must have called the cops on us, a local farmer or something. I’m certain my older sister, who I lived with as a teen, is going to tear me a new one if the cops drop me off at home. Jessika’s dad is a cop, so she’ll be doubly busted.

We struggle to get into our clothes, which was a chore because we had all worn jeans to protect our legs. I was only half dried; I’m sure you can imagine the thrill of trying to yank dry jeans up wet legs, thinking a cop’s flashlight is shining off your white ass. Probably going to get indecent exposure charges slapped on top of trespassing.

This is what I’m worrying about as Jess slowly says “I.. don’t think that’s a cop..” We all freeze, and suddenly we’re whispering. She explains that had it been a cop, he would have identified himself by now, and there probably would have been two of them. (I’m sure they also had access to the key that locks the gate, so I doubt now, years later, that a solitary cop would have come, all alone, through the forest to get some trouble making teens.) As soon as Jess makes this point, we notice the flashlight is jiggling weirdly. I blurt out “Holy shit! He’s running!” And we did the same thing, still trying to hop into our clothes at the same time.

The problem is in two stages: first, who ever this person is, he’s between us and our car. Second: he clearly is looking for us, because we ran, and he followed us. I don’t know where the hell we thought we were going to run to; the direction we bolted in just led to more lake, and maybe pasture land, provided we got through the river and over who knows how many barbed wire fences. After a split second of whispered panic, we decide to hide, in the hopes that he’ll keep heading further around the lake, past us, and we can run back to the car. By now we’re in the pet are of the lake, and here the trees are back, at the edge of the water. There’s no beach here, and no one wants to swim here because there are a ton of decaying leaves in the water, slimy roots, etc. As a result of the trees, there are these little hollows where the grass drops down to the water’s edge. The four of us hid in one of these hollows, me and Bevin on one side, and Kari and Jess on the other. We ducked under our towels, hoping he would miss us. I was sure that at this point I was screwed, as my beach towel was a faded baby blue that looked white in the dark. But what else could we do? At this point in time, I’d never had a self defense class; none of us had. We were terrified kids, and didn’t know what we would do if whomever this freak was caught up with us.

By the time you hit the pet area, the pavement from the parking lot is gone, and there’s gravel instead. We all froze; we could hear him panting, and hear his footsteps on the gravel. He had heard our retreat; he knew we were here somewhere. I have never dealt well with suspense. I love scary movies, but I am a squirmer of the highest degree. It’s so, so much worse when you’re the one in the movie instead of the observer. I finally couldn’t stand it, and peeked out from under my towel. I was facing the water, so I wasn’t in the right position to see our pursuer. But I did see his flashlight slide along Kari’s towel. I covered my head up again as fast as I could. Kari’s towel was actually a small blanket that she kept in her car. It was purple, with a plaid pattern worked over it in pinks and greens. I figured that we were busted; the pattern was plainly visible in the flashlight beam. I could still hear his breathing. I held my own breath and listened to my heart gallop, wondering if maybe I was going to have a heart attack before this stranger could find us.

Here’s where it gets even weirder. I didn’t hear his breathing anymore. I didn’t hear his feet on the gravel, and I was listening as hard as I could. I was certain that he was right on top of us, trying to wait us out. I heard Kari say “Okay, let’s go.” I about screamed, I was sure this was what he wanted. I froze, trying to whisper to Kari and Jess both to freeze, that I was sure he was still there. But after a few (endless) seconds, I peeked up over the edge of the ground, and saw Kari and Jess clearly reflected in their flashlights. The chaser was no where that I could see. To this day I have no idea where he went, or why I didn’t hear him leave. One minute he was there, breathing and fidgeting on the gravel, then he was simply gone. There was no way to sneak off; the gravel extended for about a hundred yards in any direction.

We decided we were going to run back out to the car along the road, and skip the forest, where things could hide. Then we'd simply hop the locked gate when we reached it. As quietly as we could, we hoofed it back, down the gravel road, through the paved parking lot, and then on the narrow road that let vehicular traffic into the park when it was open. We all four bolted, afraid our pursuer was going to attack from the forest that the little road ran through. We had to stay on the road; it's on an embankment, and on one side was a stream that fed the lake, and on the other was barbed wire. I’m not sure how long the road is, but it felt like forever.

We all four took off running, but I was soon too winded. I have activity induced asthma, so while I can walk forever, I’m simply cannot run for very long. I was all alone, trying not to cry, I was so scared. Thank God Bevin came back and walked with me, not leaving me all alone.

Finally we make it to the gate. Thank God. The car is just a few hundred yards away, and we can get the hell out of here. Kari and Jess were waiting for us, still on our side of the gate. They look scared again.

There are now two cars parked next to ours. When we had arrived there had been none. And someone was still in one of them. I could feel them looking at us. Abruptly, I was pissed off. I had been terrorized to the point of numbness, and I just wanted to go home That’s all, I just wanted to see my sister, and kiss my nieces and nephew, and pet the new puppy. I wanted to fight with my older brother and kiss my baby nephew the next day. There was no way some dick in a car was going to stop me.

I threw myself over the gate, and stomped towards the car. The other three seemed to feel the same way; maybe we all had the same thought since I think we all moved at the same time. Now that we could see the lights on the highway, we were braver. We carefully kept the wood pylons used to mark off a grassy center in the middle of the parking lot between ourselves and this car, which suddenly and loudly roared to life.

Whomever was in this car started honking. Rhythmically. He sounded like a car alarm as he crept towards the exit to the park. We all ran for Kari’s car, and piled inside. Jess wanted to get this guy’s license plate number, to give it to her dad. Kari floored it after him, and we were almost close enough to read it when he suddenly sped up, and was gone. It looked weird, like a vhs tape in fast forward. We went back to town after that.

Weirdly, none of us could agree on what the car looked like. This is in part because human minds are fallible, I know. But I am still certain now, more than ten years later, that I saw a maroon, four door sedan. Bevin was certain it was a yellow two door, Jessika thought it was a little truck, and Kari though it was a town car of some kind. All of us agreed that we had never seen a car speed up and take off like that before.

It was a terrifying night.

I have no idea what these people wanted with us, but I am still certain to this day that it was nothing good. My personal opinion is that they were working in tandem, and the honking was the guy leaving telling the guy who disappeared in the park that we were out there now. That was the last time I went skinny dipping, and I stay the hell away from the park at night.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Because That's the kind of Girl I Am...

Sorry there was no post of substance today. Things outside of bloggerland got a bit hectic for both Stac and I.

But I thought it appropriate to mention that my husband and I just put up and decorated our Christmas Tree while watching Se7en.

Honestly? I think a better movie to watch while decorating the tree is Freddy Vs. Jason. There's a bit of a playfulness to to it that goes more with such an event.

You know? The Exorcist might have been a good choice if I decided to go the DVD route, what with all the religious themes and me being Catholic...well...Catholic Lite.
Or Perhaps a little Alien vs. Predator: Requiem? I'll be honest, I loved that movie for both its hilarity factor and the many wonderful creative deaths. I'm sure this will once again ruin my "Street Cred".

So to make this post sound a little more interesting and a little less "Cins has started rambling because she nipped into the Egg Nog again", lets open this up to discussion!

What would be your choice of horror film to watch while doing something for the Holiday season? Lets make this a little challenging too. What movie OTHER than a Christmas themed horror film would you watch? So Black Christmas, Silent Night/Deadly Night, and Santa's Slay don't count. Hanukkah, Ramadan, Solstice, and Kwanzaa horror films do count since I really don't know of any and would love to know of them.

Discuss...I'm going to go have a little more Egg Nog.

Monday, December 1, 2008

10 Minutes of Terror: Suspiria

So I'm daring to be different.

I'm shifting away from my list form for a while and desided to present a nice on going series for a change. Why? Because I CAN!
Well that and since I am constantly adding movies to my horror libarary, my top ten lists tend to change day to day, hour to hour, depending on how ADD I am feeling at the moment.

So I am naming this series "10 Minutes of Terror".
Catchy, huh?
This will be an on going series of posts about my favorite begining horror film moments.
Some horror films start slowly, have a long build up of character developement and tension that explodes in the last ten minutes of the film. Other films start by grabing your crotch, slaping you upside the face, and screaming "WATCH ME, FUCKER!!".

The later is what these posts are about.

I love a good opening sequence. Sometimes even more than a closing sequence. Because if the rest of the movie sucks, at least I have that first ten minutes to make it worth the ticket price. And I didn't even have to sit through 2 hours of dreck to get to it!
Granted, some of these openings vary in time. Some are only five minutes while others are close to twenty. But "10 Minutes of Terror" sounds so much better that "An Indefinite Amount of Time of Terror Near the Beginning of The Movie" so I am sticking with this title.

So to kick this off, I'm starting with an old school classic, Argento's Suspiria.
While Suspiria isn't one of my top all time favorites, its a gorgeous flick with some amazing gory visuals. The colors are bright and wild and the imagery is almost poetic. Suspiria feels like a modern day brothers Grimm story (which it should since Argento's inspiration for it was Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs). We have pretty girls, we have witches, we have bizarrely gory murders that you would only find in a fairy tale, and we have hands down the WEIRDEST soundtrack that has been stuck in my head for the last month.

Suspiria is one big pile of 'What the Fuck?". I'm still not quite sure what the hell happened in that movie but sure had a good time watching it happen!

The part that captivated me the most was the opening of the film...well it wasn't the EXACT opening but I don't think anyone who reads this blog wants to watch clips of a girl leaving an airport even if its shot OH so stylishly. This is about 5 minutes into the film when the most spectacular double murder I have ever seen on film occurs. Here's the clip from Ye Olde YouTube!

Now, while I'm not a gore hound, I'm usually alright with my gore. But this scene makes me flinch like a 3 year old. I don't know if its the colors, the acting, or just how surreal it all is but it makes me cover my eyes, EVERY time.

The entire scene starts with those intense colors, mostly blues in the beginning, then as the tensions grow they become brighter and brighter until the screen is splashed in just raw primary with the women so washed out they look like ghostly white figures. The murders themselves are just strange and almost convoluted. The window smothering, the stabbing, the hanging, and the glass all seem to fit together in this horrific ballet of insanity. Even the actors movements seem to be over the top and graceful, like a dying swan....a screaming, bloody, terrified, dying swan. Now I WOULD say this was the best part of the film but trust me, there is another murder that tops this one. I won't say more if you haven't seen the movie.

Suspiria is pretty old school so if you're a younger horror fan who has just started getting into it all this one might have slipped under your radar (I just discovered it a year ago). If you haven't seen it, its definitely worth the netflix rental.