Monday, November 29, 2010

My Nine Iron is an Extension of My Penis.

Waaay back when I was but a wee witchie poo, in the love-forsaken year of 1991, my family finally joined the 20th century and got premium cable. I was alternately in heaven and bored to tears as HBO was feast or famine in its line-up. I am one of those people who can watch, read, or listen to something over and over if I enjoy it, so when a movie came on that I liked, I was glad to see it air over and again a million times as per Home Box Office's modus operandi. One of these movies I discovered at the emotional and greasy age of 13 was a largely forgotten gem called Rockula. I immediately fell head over heels into obsession with this goofy little movie, and watched it as often as I could catch it. I wanted to tape it but we had no blank VHS tapes, and this was long before the wonders of scalpers selling out of print movies on eBay, so I was essentially shit out of luck.

I moved in with my paternal grandparents a year later, and was once more back in the televised world of the stone age, as we got a total of three channels; if I dicked with the rabbit ears we could also get PBS, moving our choice total up to four. HBO was a distant memory, and as I recall, I ended up watching the VHS of Disney's Beauty and the Beast over and over and driving everyone around me insane until my grandmother hid the tape in the junk room. I really wish I was kidding.

1991 was the first and last year I saw the plight of Ralph LaVie: virgin vampire, and his mother Phoebe, played awesomely by Toni Basil. Yes THAT Toni Basil, of Hey Mickey fame, and who, I must add, is smoking hot in this movie. I'm a straight girl, but dayam. Even I can see that Mommy LeVie was a total undead milf. For years I've tried to get a copy of the movie, to no luck; it's never been released on DVD, and the VHS copies are long long time out of print. Imagine my delight when, while bitching to Tanya on the phone last night, I looked up Rockula on Netflix and FOUND IT STREAMING. Holy crap, epic win, pwned, all your base, what the eff ever is your online cliche spew of choice, I was the physical embodiment of them all when I saw that innocuous little blue "play" button waiting innocently for me to relive something good from my horribly awkward adolescent stage.

Careful boys! I think she's a biter!

In a nutshell, Ralphie's cursed to lose his true love Mona (played by Tawny Fere) every 22 years. He meets her, they have a few happy weeks together, and then she is always murdered on Halloween night. By a pirate. With a rhinestone peg leg. Who kills her with a ham bone. Played by Thomas "She Blinded Me with Science AND I'm the reason you're able to hear a damn thing at the movies" Dolby. This movie is fucking genius. Ralphie also has an obnoxious slut of a reflection, who is essentially every vampiric success that Ralphie is not, so you've got a great schizophrenic angle to pursue as well.

She Blinded Me with Fritz Lang and German Expressionism.

Dean Cameron (Chainsaw in the movie Summer School) is perfect as Ralph: he's got the "harmless cute" mixed perfectly with the widow's peak and slightly hawkish profile that you need for the "sexy vampire". It's no damn wonder he made my 13 year old heart go pitty-pat under my over-sized GAP t-shirt that I stole from the school lost and found! On top of that, he can sing. Oh, did I fail to mention that this movie has several musical numbers? Well it's called Rockula, use a little fucking inference, huh?


I have this identical poster on my living room wall, right now. It is between John William Waterhouse's The Mermaid and my Halloween My Little Ponies.


This is streaming on NetFlix, and I am going to get a copy on DVD, regardless of who I have to bite or bribe or both. Please, GO and watch this! It's silly and cheesy and fucking GREAT and we need to make noise to get people to pay attention and GIVE ME A LICENSED COPY ALREADY.

I am happy to note that I enjoyed this just as much as I did as a young'n, and I got more of the jokes-- would that everything from memory held up as well as this. I have a feeling that had this movie come out a few years earlier it probably would be better remembered today; it has a strangely John Hughes feel to it without being derivative. Sadly it came out in the weird interstitial period between decades, during that static period when the new decade is still influenced by the old one while acquiring its own flavor. A lot of good stuff gets lost in years like these, so let's make up for it now! Go watch!

This is hot. I don't care who you are or how you judge me, this is one of the rare instances from puberty that doesn't make me cringe.

4 comments:

Matthew said...

I saw the cover for this before on Netflix and laughed at it before moving on, but I'm definitely going to watch it now that I know what cast they have.

I absolutely loved Chainsaw's character in Summer School. Heck, I love Summer School. But Thomas Dolby AND Toni Basil?! Sounds like a must see.

Stac said...

Matthew: Seriously, it is SO much good hearted, cheesy fun! Go watch and then report back on what you thought! :D

totallygay81 said...

I saw Rockula recently on THIS TV. I LOVED it. ^_^ I really wish it was on DVD. I would love to own it. ^_^

It was just the right amount of cheese. :D

bibulb said...

And it's gone again! WAAAAAAAH!
Every once in a while, I try making an "is there an illegal copy ANYWHERE?" search to see if there's an illicit AVI or MP4 or SOMETHING of this, and the closest I came was about five years ago, where I got … about half the file, in bits and chunks. Pretty much unreadable. A friend has the laserdisc, and we've been begging him to make a transfer, but…

(And still no DVD release. At least Tapeheads made to disc.)