Computer Questions

Sorry all, this is just a quick question I promised my friend I'd ask.

Who here has a lap top, and if you have one, what brands do you recommend? What do you suggest people avoid?

And now, to keep it on topic: Cins eats young, virgin men when the sun goes down. It's cool though; they like it.

So I Drew Some Things. BAD Things.

As I have mentioned several times, I saw [REC] at Cins' place last week, and it scrambled my terror receptors in ways that have yet to repair themselves. This post will contain SPOILERS for the Spanish horror movie [REC]. Rec is the original version of the movie that Quarantine was based off of, so this is also spoilers for Quarantine.

The movie is perfection, pure and simple, from the start with no credits, making it seem more like watching some random person's footage, to the fact that we never see Pablo's face, in essence making us Pablo, this was in my opinion the perfectly crafted horror movie. I spent most of the movie curled up in the corner of Cins' couch, hands over my face, making whimpering noises and imploring the cast to NOT DO THAT, much to Cins and Tanya's amusement. Bitches.

The zombies in this movie are fascinating and terrifying, a mesh up of the common zombie traits of current pop culture. They're fast, but no faster than they would have been before changing, and they can be killed in most of the traumatic ways that would kill a human. One is choked to death, another has its neck snapped, etc. I also loved that the change was unpredictable; the first two victims took some time, yet Guillim changed almost instantly. That the government only knew that speed varied by blood type was a great touch that lent this idea a scary reality.

But what scared me the most.. was the end. That thing in the attic; loose, wasted, looking for food. With a hammer in hand. Holy God, I have only been that scared before on a small handful of times in my entire life. The wrongness, the way it moved, the thought that something like that had been lurking for twenty years was all paralyzing.

So I drew it.




Background's sloppy at best, and the detail's a little washed, but over all, I think it came out well. Just pencil on sketch paper with a small tooth to it.





This one's done in charcoal and white conte crayon on the same paper as above. Unfortunately I lost some of the clarity when I matte sprayed the charcoal. That's what I get for using AquaNet, I guess.

Welcome to my nightmares.

Monsters Vs Madmen, FINALLY!

How bad have I been keeping up with this?

VERY BAD.

Reguardless, the results are in for the last round of Monster's Vs Madmen.

It was close. VERY Close but the ending made me sad.

For The Tall Man is Dead...beaten to death by a 10 year old.

Samara has won our first Championship! She will sit in the wings now to compete with the big Boys.

And speaking of which, we're bringing the BIG GUNS.

This fight shall be Epic...EPIC!! For we have two of Clive Barker's best bastards going head to head this time.

Candyman from Candyman

VS

Pinhead from Hellraiser

Two wonderful Grotesque yet oddly sexy badasses fight to the death!

Here they are in action.

Candyman shows us the seductive power of bees. Nicolas Cage, pay close attention.

And here Pinhead and his pals drop in toe say hello to their new friend.

The winner will be announced sometime next week.


3 -2 -1 FIGHT!!!

Halloween Bike Ride

This is sheer, fucking genius, and something that makes me now desperate to obtain a tandem bike simply so that I can do the same thing.



I found this link over on Haunt Style, a GREAT blog that focuses on spooky designs of all kind. Give them a look, you'll love 'em if you're even remotely like me.

Your Pain Delights Me.

Sadly, I have returned from San Diego. I am no wiser, but I AM significantly browner, and my life was changed, changed forever by the glory of...

... EQUINOX!

I also got to inflict not one, but TWO absolutely terrible movies on Cins AND Tanya, who's not even a horror fan. She was just there for the booty. Part of that might be a lie. It was payback for REC, which scared me SO. VERY. BADLY. SO I got her to watch A Nightmare on Elm Street part 2, which we have dubbed Freddy's House of Angry Penetration, and That is One Angry Homo, a line compliments of the Death Race remake. Which I loved. And will probably own.

..DAMN YOU, MAX!

Seeing the looks on Tanya's and Cins' faces may be something that warms my black, withered heart for the rest if my days. Especially after the coach was pelted by balls and then butt-whipped then penetrated to death by Freddy. Dear GRACE I love this movie! Both turned on ME for an explanation, like there was one to even remotely be had, and that I would magically be the one to have it. The confusion is part of the fun!

Then I made them watch Ghoulies 4, a movie that I fuckin' LOVE. I am ALONE in my love however, and Cins was disturbed when I admitted that I found the lead actor attractive. I regret nothing! That DVD cost me a whopping $2.50, and Tanya believes I was over-charged. I informed her that she was a philistine with no appreciation for truly fine cheese. We agreed to disagree (but she's still wrong).

We also visited a cemetery in Old Town and got some interesting experiences from that, but that'll probably be a post all on it's own. It was really strange, and oddly touching, in a weird way.

We (meaning I) also got plowed at Baja Betty's, a wonderful local restaurant/ watering hole, and created, amongst other horrors, an air-tight duck. Think real hard about what that means.

Over all it was an excellent trip, and I got to see some of my favorite people! I also got exposed by the ocean, repeatedly, and FINALLY got to go on the Tower of Terror ride at California Adventures!

We also had a great time telling spooky stories we had either heard or experienced, and Tanya and I tromped all over Cins and Max's neighborhood. There were a lot of Tom of Finland books in local shops. We giggled.

... EQUINOX!!!!

EQUINOX!!!!

So the convergence has ended. A good time was had by all. And if anything, the convergence has left us with this beautiful BEAUTIFUL thing...

EQUINOX!

EQUINOX!!!!!

Its like an angel came down and kissed this movie trailer upon us. For we have fallen in love with it. It appears to be a horror film about everything and nothing. What is this movie about? I have no fucking clue. But who cares! For it is the wonder called:

EQUINOX!!

We loved this trailer so much that it became ingrained in our vocabulary the entire week. So now whenever Stac and I encounter something that completely defies explanation we throw are arms asunder and bellow in loud voices:

"EQUINOX!!!"

Because we loved this trailer so much we even did our own reenactment of the film:


What does that photo mean? No fucking clue. Much like:

EQUINOX!!

Next convergence we will see this movie. OH YES we shall.

EQUINOX!!

Was there an alternative title for this?

Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2....Freddy's House Angry Penetration.

Seriously have you SEEN THIS MOVIE?! Some people were saying that you only see the gay metaphors when you're really looking for them. Perhaps I am looking really hard for them.
But when a gym teacher is pelted with countless amounts of balls as his naked supple butt cheeks are whipped with a wet towel by Mr Kruger before his body is penetrated by his claws, I start a wonderin'. This is after they pointlessly film the gym teacher's visit to a leather bar. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT?!?!
They weren't even GOOD metaphors! What are they trying to say? "Hey, pal, if you come out of the closet, you'll become Freddy Kruger" WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL, MAN!
I have so many questions!
Why did the bird explode?!
Why does Freddy hate anything from Ikea?!
Why does our leading woman look like Meryl Streep?!
Why did our leading man have a box in his closet that was marked PROBE?!
Did I finally find a movie that pissed me off more than Jeepers Creepers and Exorcist: The Begining?!
WHY WHY WHY!
POR QUE!!!

....I'm okay.
Thanks Stac.
I'm so getting you back for this.

Somehow, I survived the Night.

Cins and I, along with my friend Tanya who is visiting with me, watched REC last night. Somehow I lived through the night, but have no idea how since all I could see was a screaming face clutching a hammer.

I am officially terrified of the dark again.

The Convergence has begun!

Well..it began about two days ago but STILL!

And the horror began. Right in our living room! We found a great DVD on Netflix instant cue called Cheesy Horror Movie Trailers. Its about an hour long and its nothing but trailers from the 50's up to the 80's. Now it does contain some classic movies such as the original Friday the 13th (I will admit, that trailer is kinda shitty), Blacula, and The Fearless Vampire Killers but the majority of the trailers are really REALLY God awful and insanely laughable. And you don't even have to sit through the whole movie! Just the hilarious parts!

Stac and I made a list of ones we want..nay... NEED to see:

• Dr Jekyll and Sister Hyde
• Berserk -staring MS JOAN CRAWFORD! In some sort of circus setting.
• Werewolf Vs The Vampire Woman...where humping someone into submission IS a valid form of self defense.
• Abby -the Blaxplotation version of The Exorcist..nuff said.
• Sugar Hill -Blaxplotation zombie movie with some of the best looking Afros EVAR.
• The Sinful Dwarf...I kid you not. The movie is named The Sinful Dwarf. I repeat....The Sinful DWARF.... I NEED to see a movie called The Sinful Dwarf!! This is my purpose in life, damnit!

Hopefully Stac will Edit this entry to add the ones I'm missing. But those are the ones that stand out in my mind. This is mostly due to the soda I laughed out through my nose while watching them.
Anyways, The Convergence Begins! We will update from time to time with nonsense during the week. Until then, CHEERS!

Edit by Stac: You forgot EQUINOX!, the movie about nothing and everything, apparently, and TERROR! Starring Herve Villachaize as the tiny VooDoo monster, or whatever he was supposed to be. And yes, you DO need to see The Abominable Dr. Phibes, woman!

Why I Hate Jeepers Creepers, or: Why is your NUT SACK IN MY FACE?!

Just my disgust, movie. And anger. And RAGE! But mostly disgust. And possibly your mom.

I should be packing. I'm leaving tomorrow to fly to see Cins, and I haven't even dragged my suitcase out of the garage. I've got clothes and DVDs thrown everywhere, but nothing to put them in. It's also noon, and I haven't eaten anything yet, put on a bra, or brushed my teeth. Apparently ranting about this movie takes precedence to things that actually impact me physically; but that makes sense since I haaaaate this movie with the fiery passion of a collapsing super nova.

Why do I hate it so, you ask? A simple answer: betrayal. This movie betrayed me.

I saw it on cable, thank God, because if I had seen it in a theater I probably would have ripped all my clothes off, burned said theater to the ground, and streaked my body with the ash as I gibbered and wailed, incoherent with my rage and loathing. The premise was intriguing, and the first half of this movie was so good; it easily would have ended up in my top five favorite films if it had maintained that level to the end. But it didn't, and my adoration turned to hatred. I hate this film so much that I want to bite out its neck and drink its poisoned blood to make sure it NEVER RISES AGAIN.


She has that look on her face because after she kicks the shit out of the Creeper she's going for the director.

The initial set up is simple, and a lot of people seem to forget how effective simple is in terms of horror; you don't need fountaining, CGI blood or exploding nipples or whatever, you just need a basic, scary thing, and you need to present that in a way that will effect the viewer as best it can. This movie started out so in tune with that need that it was nerve-destroying; it's claustrophobic and insular at 55 mph. I ended up staying up until around 3 am to see the whole thing, and I had to work at 10 am the next day; I was usually in bed by 1 am at the latest so I could get my full eight hours. This movie's start was compelling enough to make me forgo sleep, something that I NEVER do. There is little I enjoy as much as sleep, so this movie was good enough to lure me from it.

A brother and a sister, close in age, are driving home from college on break. The siblings are Darry, played by Justin Long, who has been adorable in everything he's ever done in part because he looks perpetually fourteen, and his sister is Trish, played by Gina Phillips. She has got to be one of the most ass-kickingly awesome females in a movie ever, which makes it doubly infuriating that she was wasted in the sewer pipe this film degenerated into. They're squabbling, as siblings do, and it's great because it has this lazy, half-assed feel to it, like real siblings have when they're bored and there's nothing else to do besides push each other's irritation buttons. It's obviously hot and dusty in Trish's car, and the atmosphere is very conducive to making you remember the feel of those hot days at the peak of summer when everything turns gold and brown in the daylight because it's so hot. The sight of a green lawn in jarring because it's so out of place in the heat and drowsy countryside.

Then the truck comes up on their bumper. It's coming fast and laying on the horn, a rusty behemoth of a vehicle that screams "tetanus shot" at best, and "mobile rape and dismemberment unit" at most likely.

This is why some people drive armed. I'm just sayin'.

Unseen in the photo I used it a shot of the license plate, which Darry thinks says "BEATING U". They find out shortly that it's something much worse. Eventually the diesel dinosaur roars past them, and both breath a sigh of relief, glad he's gone. The driver is only vaguely seen in silhouette, wearing a wide brimmed hat.

During their drive the pair had discussed an urban legend about that particular stretch of highway; back in the '60's or '70's a couple had been running off together, and simply disappeared. There turns out to be some truth to that story as the brother and sister pass a church, and see the same ominous figure with the truck o' terror parked near a large culvert pipe. The figure, still primarily in silhouette, is dumping something large down the corrugated drain. They drive past, but eventually turn around, because they think they saw something moving in that package. This scene was GREAT. The siblings go back and forth a bit about keeping going and finding police versus going and seeing if someone needs help. The one cell phone they possess is out of juice, and it turns out the car's lighter is broken, so they can't charge it. It comes across as a very believable set of circumstances, all around, and so far no one is behaving in any fashion other than how you yourself might behave in a similar frightening situation.

They eventually decide to go back, seeing the truck pull away, and peek down the pipe.

That is all kinds of nasty looking. Feel free to insert whatever sex joke you've got on hand in here.

Darry accidentally falls down the shaft, and ends up seeing one of the Creeper's victims as he dies. The pipe turns out to lead to the Creeper's lair, and it is pasted all over with the remains of past victims, posed and sewn and shellacked into some seriously twisted "art". Darry and Trish decide to get the fuck out of there, and look for cops.

This is basically where the movie then drops trou and takes a huge, rank shit all over its viewing audience. From here it descends into psychics, crazy cat ladies, and supernatural panty sniffers. The Creeper takes a lot of damage from Trish, they figure out that the license plate spells "B EATING U" (I'd like to know where the fuck the Creeper got a vanity plate, since I'm pretty sure the DMV frowns on patrons attacking the employees), then takes off with Darry, and kills him. The end.

The decision to keep the Creeper shadowed was a good one, because that suit was fucking TERRIBLE. At one juncture, the monster is killing and eating part of a jailed prisoner. You can see the latex bend and buckle as the actor in the suit twists and turns. Had they just kept that damn suit shadowed, I don't think I would have reviled the ending as much as I did; that and had it kept along the lines of fantastical but still believable. But we left that behind when the psychic lady calls the kids at the diner. Really, just stop the movie here and you'll have a much better viewing experience than I did.

There is also a disturbing layer of sexual possession in this movie, made all the more upsetting by the director's back story. The Creeper's interest in Darry comes across to me a lot like someone being stalked by a rapist. There is repeated references made to the blue rose that Darry has tattooed around his navel, and the camera frequently lingers almost lovingly on him in a lot of shots. The placement of the tattoo is also upsetting as it loops around his bellybutton; the stomach is a very vulnerable place on human anatomy. It's also lower on the torso, just a few inches above the root to his penis. To me, the movie has a weird fixation on Darry's genitalia, which I don't believe is simply all in my head. Victor Salva, the man who wrote and directed this, is a convicted pedophile.

He was convicted in 1988 for assaulting a twelve year old who had been in one of his movies, and was also stupid enough to film it. Sheer genius here, folks. Now, I'm not calling for the man to be burned at the stake; he was convicted, did his time, and to the best of my knowledge has behaved himself ever since. But that is an ugly blot on a psyche, things like that tend to bleed through in creative endeavors, and it really shows in both of the Jeepers Creepers movies. Loving, lingering shots of very young, virile boys are in both movies, (like the boys sunning themselves on the top of the bus in the sequel, as well as the more insecure team members squalling about how one team member is a "faggot", for example) and given his history as an offender, I find that profoundly unsettling.

I work with kids, so my perv alarm was going off long before I knew anything about Victor Salva's personal history, so again, I don't think this is just in my head. The fact that no women are shown consumed by the creature is also telling; Trish survives despite the fact that she did virtually all of the damage to the Creeper AND despite her pointing out to it that she was a better choice of victim because she was stronger than Darry. I think Darry's vulnerability is what attracted the Creeper in the first place; Trish was never really in the same danger that her brother ultimately faced. In the sequel only one woman was killed (the bus driver, my favorite character) but for all we know he just picked her up and dropped her somewhere. None of the cheerleaders are targeted, only the male team members.

It lends a very chilling aspect to an enraging film series, and for me, turns the first film into something profoundly ugly. The fact that the second part of the original was total shit really didn't improve my mood any. If you enjoy this film then more power to you, I certainly don't begrudge you that. I'm simply stating why I hated it so much, not attacking anyone.

That said, MAN did this movie ever blow.

Review-The Ruins or Eh..wasn't as bad as I expected.

Oh don't get me wrong, it wasn't the best flick ever. But it did keep me entertained for about %70-%80 of the movie. I mean if anything it would have given me good mocking material, right? I was expecting painfully awful. What I got was mediocre...which actually wasn't too bad considering my expectations.


This will contain spoilers.

Synopsis - After a rousing night of drinking, sleeping with each other, and mocking the locals, a group of young American tourists think it would be cool to visit some lost ruins. Why? I have no idea. Possibly to fuck in them I suppose. But it turns out there are more to these ruins than means the eye I.E. Man eating plant life! AHHHH! And a group of natives stand guard and refuse to let them leave looking about as bored as the night watchman at your local strip mall.

See that? We are SO going to fuck in there.

Okay okay, I'm mocking it. Its kinda hard not to when a movie feels like a cross between Day of the Triffids and armature surgery night on the Discovery channel.

So, the Good.
The best parts about this movie are anything to do with the plants. Granted, its very hard to make grandma's creeping ivy appear terrifying but the movie does do a good job on making them feel threatening. Through the movie you notice the vines are slowly creeping up our our merry band of douche bags making their space smaller and smaller. And even the CGI when the vines do start to move doesn't come across as super cheesy. The only thing that I did chuckle at were how the flowers could imitate sound. It was a little weird but it seemed to work after a while and add the the creepiness of these plants.
The gore was very well done and even made me twitch and cringe a couple times. We have someones legs getting amputated with a hunting knife, we have a crazy blond chick cutting herself up in a mad blood covered frenzy, a couple heads get blown off, and of course we had plants slowly getting inside of people. Nope, no plant rape. But we do have moments of vines crawling into peoples wounds, people trying to cut out said vines, and vines generally doing weird things to bodies. I'm probably in the minority here but I have an aversion spidery vines trying to grow on you. Don't ask why because I have no clue were I developed that fear. My guess is when I watched Creep Show for the first time. But they definitely don't do the typical lash out and grab routine you very often at all. Its more like you wake up and suddenly you have vines all over you. They are stealthy ninja plants!

Don't judge my irrational fears.

The subplot of the natives being there to keep the plants from spreading had a lot of potential. I liked the idea of these vines being like a zombie virus. If any plant residue escaped, we'd all be making some sweet sweet vine love... Unfortunately this went no where which I will touch on shortly.

And The Bad
Despite the fact that the best part of the movie were the plants, the plants really didn't do too much which disappointed me. But I suppose we couldn't have too much plant action or the film would have been 30 minutes long. There was no doubt in my mind that this group could not out wit a plant. Seriously. I knew they were fertilizer the moment they came on screen. Still I longed for more plant action. Maybe this movie would have been better as a short film.
The characters...I mean come on. There was not one appealing character in the entire film. Everyone was a douche bag! Sometimes its fun to watch jerks get their comeuppance but you need to at least sympathise a bit with someone to feel the terror. I found myself thinking "Oh thank God they're dead now I don't have to listen to them whine!". While I know that they all had names, I could not remember a damn one. I classified them as No legs, The screechy blond, Lindsey Lohan's stunt double, The guy with the crow magnum brow, Dead meat, and the Hobbit. Though I have to admit I did like the screechy blond simply because the scene where she goes completely out of her mind was awesome.

And I bet you can pick out four of who I described.

The Ending....I mean COME ON. What the Hell?! Now at the beginning of the film we the viewers are given the impression that no one will escape the ruins because if any plant life gets out and spreads it becomes more or less like a zombie virus. And our American tourists are covered in plant dust. They even emphasise this more when a plant touches one of the natives children and they shoot him dead instantly. So the tourists have this great escape plan which is the horror equivalent of the"dressing in drag and doing the hula" routine while one of our heroes runs to safety. She runs! Gets into the jeep! She drives! She's free!!....and that's it.....Okay....so where's the pay off for that whole the plants cannot spread subplot you've been bugging us with? Hell if I know. And that subplot was something I thought was really interesting too. Yet it just gets tossed out the window.
I also wonder if anyone thought about bees when they came up with that subplot.

Anyways, The Ruins was okay but nothing I would get over excited for. It had some good gore moments so its worth checking out for that I suppose. Otherwise I would either catch it on cable or wait until it ends up on Hulu.
But if you do deside to watch it you at least get a payoff of some really good plant action

Beware BEWARE BEEEEEEEWAAAAARRRRREEEE!!!

Yeah, we've both been on the quiet side on the blog. But we have a GOOD reason!
We have been in preparation...

Next week Stac comes to my neck of the woods for our annual but not really annual Cins and Stac convergence!

Last Known Photo

So this means we'll be in the same state for a while sharing the same air,eating the same food, setting the same people on fire. You know, the usual things girls do when they get together.

Including wacky hat montages!

So the two of us will be spending a week together here in Sunny So Cal and probably documenting the whole terrifying experience. Some of our events may include:

• The Local Ghosts and Gravestone Tour (But it IS tradition that this never happens).
• Drunken horror movie marathons.
• Calling the Cadaver Lab Voice mail to harass Mike and Sam.
• And the traditional trip to Disneyland were we try not to punch anyone on Pirates of the Caribbean...no matter how much they deserve it.
• Creeping out Cins' husband with those whacked out anatomically correct Japanese Dolls.
• The drinking of Lake Margarita!
• Humiliating photographs!

Its kinda like this...but with horror films.

And Much Much More!!

Or we may get drunk a lot and sleep.
We also want to give a big Thank you to Johnny from Freddy In Space for sending us a movie I'm SURE we will enjoy watching. I am saving this movie for this visit! Johnny you're a saint and an instigator! We appreciate your contribution.

"But does it come in Pink?"

So for those of you who enjoy our wacky shenanigans, stay tuned to our blog! We're hoping to post while we're together. To those who fear this? Well you best go to your local grocery store and stock up on bottled water and canned goods.

Convergence is at hand!

Session 9 or GET OUT OF MY HEAD, MOVIE!!!

Some movies scare me. Some movies make me think. And some movies get into my head and fuck around in there until I want to tear at my skull with an ice pick because it won't go away.

Session 9 is the third type of movie. I cannot stop thinking about it. Since last night after I turned it off to when I was in the shower this morning to right now as I type this review. Questions, visuals, and sounds keep swimming in my thoughts which not only make me discover more about the movie but also makes the movie more frightening with every thought I have.

Out of my head, movie!

Of course it didn't help that I was watching this alone, in the dark, at my computer, while Stac was on YIM telling me how many nightmares this movie gave her. AH the power of suggestion! Remind me to never watch something recommended by Stac in the dark again...EVER.

If you find me curled up in a fetal position in my closet, rocking back and forth as I drool on my own shoulder you'll KNOW who's fault it is.

The movie is a simple film if you try to write a synopsis. A team of asbestos workers are hired to work on an old broken down mental hospital so it can be used for office space. One of the workers finds audio tapes of therapy sessions with a patient named Mary. Mary suffers from multiple personalities and one in particular, Simon who doesn't show up until Session 9. Meanwhile, shenanigans...horrible horrible shenanigans occur to our team. To say more will be to give the movie away. And part of the fuckery of this movie is the surprises it has.

The film is one of those wonderful less is more type of movies. There is very little gore and absolutely no cat scares at all. But the very few moments of violence are intense and disturbing. You expect some evil thing to pop out of a door and scream in your face but there is never a heart stopping scare. What you do get is this overpowering feeling of dread, horror, and fear that suffocates you until you finally give in. The visuals are simply stunning using stark lighting, creepy rusting old furniture, and dilapidated rooms.

What I loved (and what disturbed me the most) about Session 9 was its use of sound. The use of screams in everyday sounds, the sounds of victims in their death throws, the strange tones of Mary's personalities, and the off putting music created the environment of the movie, making mundane images feel strange and alien.

The long shots that follow our actors from doorways to windows, sweeping across vistas of blackness as they pass a wall or a hallway make the viewer feel like someone was watching the team or workers at all times. In fact someone WAS watching them at all times. But I can't say who or it will give everything away.

The movie is all questions. From the beginning and almost to the very end. While the ending does wrap up the lose ends, it still leaves just enough mystery for the viewer to think "huh...wait..did what I see really happen?".

...crap I'm not sure what else to say about the movie without giving it away...
So before I give away spoilers and you don't want to read further let me say that if you like movies full of total mind fuckery this is a movie to check out. Don't let the slow pace and the beginning fool you. Its really freaky.

If you've seen the movie or if you like spoilers, continue on down.

SPOILERS!

Do not read further if you hate spoilers!

To tied you over, here's a picture of a kitten.

And a watermelon.

And a kitten with a watermelon.

Okay...Back to my thoughts.

So I went to do some research on IMDB...if you can call it research. What you usually find on IMDB are screeching Internet harpies claiming "OMG! This Movy is SOO nut SCARRY!!1!" on every message board. But if you wade through the crap, you can sometimes find a decent interesting post.

While reading through the forums I found that numerous people assumed that Simon was a demon. That Simon possessed Mary as a child during a moment of trauma and convinced her to kill her family. When our team of workers came in to tear the hospital apart, it awoke Simon and he took over Gordon and the cycle continued. I think that's a reasonable conclusion since the film is so ambiguous in its ending. But it really isn't the conclusion I came to.

I never really saw Session 9 as a supernatural horror film. Its creepy, strange and horribly unnerving but I really didn't see any supernatural elements in it. For me Simon isn't a demon but that deep, dark, nasty side that lurks in all of us. That dark side that threatens to come out whenever we're subject to trauma or pain or an overabundance of stress. Simon said "I live in the weak and the wounded". Both Mary and Gordon were weak and wounded. And when their time came, Simon took over and convinced them to kill. For me, knowing that Simon is an entity that lurks in all of us is far scarier than a demon someone happened to stumble upon.

I also found that the use of the camera movements were very symbolic of what was happening to Gordon. Throughout the movie he was losing his mind. He was always lurking about the building, watching his fellow team mates even though the audience never knew so. The camera would take on a voyeur style of filming with the other characters. But whenever Gordon was in the shot or the primary focus it went back to standard movie shots. VERY subtle and VERY clever.

I really don't know why this movie got me in the gut as hard as it did. But it REALLY did. Possibly because I don't like discussing my dark side. Oh I KNOW its there but I rather not have it come out. Session 9 gives us the idea that anyone at any time can turn into a monster. You can give to charity, have a loving family,or be a product of total normalcy but it still cannot stop that horrible monster from coming out of you and killing everyone. Everyone at some point feels weak and wounded and everyone at some point will fight the urge to let Simon take over.

Personally I don't want to deal with my inner Simon.

Session 9 makes you ask a lot of questions, not just about the film but about yourself as well.

Definitely worth the watch. And to sweeten the deal you can watch the entire movie on Hulu.com for free...like I did.

Trust me...its worth it.

Just don't watch it alone...in the dark....while Stacy is poking you on YIM about how this movie will drive you insane.

Okay we weren't just talking about that. We were also talking about our creepy Japanese Dolls but STILL!

The next damn film I'm going to watch is going to MUCH more light hearted.

...I have the sudden urge to pop in Nightmare on Elm Street to cleanse my pallet.

My First (and only) Viewing of Videodrome, or, DEAR GOD!!

Way back in the day I and my best friend both had serious crushes on James Woods. I mean, SERIOUS. Bevin even emailed him, back in the early days of dial up. Ah, memories...

As a result of this minor (it was major, I'm totally a liar) obsession I watched a big chunk of Mr. Woods' oeuvre, from the good: Disney's Hercules (the start of the obsession and my very first ever role playing environment: I was Hecate) to the vague: Curse of the Starving Class (best line ever, as said in a falsetto: "Ah cain't dance with yew, Wesley, Ah have maggots."), to the hilarious: Straight Talk (Jimmy boy got to nail Dolly Parton. Admit it, if the opportunity came, you'd nail her too), to the fucking WEIRD and the subject of this post: David Cronenberg's Videodrome.

Run, Jimmy! Debbie Harry's gun' eatcha!

To be fair and as I've said above, I've only seen this movie once, and that was about ten years ago. Like most people I'm not even remotely the same person I was at twenty-one that I am now at thirty-one. I'm almost curious enough to rewatch it, but my first viewing of it was so fucking mind twisting that I'm a tad hesitant to re-expose my thought meats to it.

This is the only movie that's made me nauseous, let me put it that way. I am notorious for having a stomach of steel; I change poopy diapers, I've had to do some emergency first aid (a few times on myself), I've dissected a fetal pig with glee (we named him Bondage Bobby because we had to tie his little oinky feet to the table to get at his organs), I find puss fascinating. While I'm not really a gorehound, I do love over the top "clown gore", as Cins dubs it, but Videodrome and indeed a lot of David Cronenberg films just.. upset me. Mr. Cronenberg is very talented at getting a visceral response from me; almost all of my reactions of his horror come from my stomach.

When I watched Videodrome I was living in a very stressful situation; I was on the verge of at least a nervous breakdown, at worst a psychotic break, was living in a place I really couldn't afford, working at a stressful job that I hated so much it literally had physical side effects, and desperately, desperately feared change. As a result, my stomach was frequently nervous, and I tended to foget to eat because my stomach was knotted. Other times I was afraid to eat because I was sure I would throw it back up, even though I always felt better when I listened to reason and actually ate something. To combat this I drank a LOT of coffee, because I never felt hungry. I know my weight yo-yo'd doing this, which was not my intent at all.

So the day we rented Videodrome I had discovered my holy grail: the 32 oz mocha granita from a local coffee place. It was expensive, but dear grace was it the best thing ever that day! I bought one (and nothing else), and gulped about a third of it because I was so hungry. For those of you who are coffee virgins: that is a Bad Idea. Went straight into my blood stream, and I got jittery as fuck; I probably looked like a meth head and was actually experiencing muscular twitching independent of my command. My eyelids started doing it. The moral of the story is: I was a fucking IDIOT!

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. A little.

Then we popped in the film, and I got the hardest skull fucking of my life. From sex with needles ( it was hot when he first started wrasslin' with Debbie Harry, but my vagina quickly became an arid wasteland when he started puncturing her with straight pins) to stomach-placed manginas and flesh guns firing cancer bullets, this was a BAD film choice for someone who was living on her own nerves and about as buzzed on coffee as it was possible to get without having a heart attack, which I was starting to wonder about.

I didn't want to even go NEAR my t.v for time, lest Debbie Harry's giant lips consume me whole and alter my physiognomy in some uncomfortable fashion, as happened to Jimmy's character. The concept of the brain washing of us all by television certainly didn't help, either.

I don't feel this relationship is doing either of them any favors.

After the teevee literally gave James Woods' character head, I get a bit confused about what happened next; it was all organic gun, tummy vadge, cancer bullets, melting cancer puppet screaming on the ground. Then I went to work to close up at our local shit hole of a Dairy Queen!

All night long I kept seeing things like this pop into my mind's eye, recreated in glorious, wide screened technicolor:

Grotey AND meaty! Now that meatball sub looks REAL appitizing, Subway!

I was so over stimulated from that stupid Cup O'Heart Attack that I was literally jumping up and down while I assembled orders back in the grill, trying desperately to burn off the excess energy I had. I calmed down a bit after I ate something for dinner, but I still felt sick to my stomach, and ended up videodroming in the bathroom all the next day, if you get my drift. For the longest time the cover, pictured and snarked above, could make me feel ill if I caught sight of it in the local rental store.

I try really hard not to think of this while I masturbate.

After time my crush on James Woods faded (namely because I turned twenty five and realized I was too old for his tastes), replaced by the Phantom of the Opera, and my nausea faded. I have really enjoyed other Cronenberg works, but man, this one combined with that damn coffee about killed me.

As a footnote, here's an interesting factoid about the coffee place I got the granita from. I almost worked there, in fact I got called in for a day of training, and learned how to make the granita mix. The secret was that no matter how many shots a customer ordered in their drink, the store would always make more, and put the unused shots into the granita machine. I seriously think that shit had to have been lethal by the end of the day; in retrospect crank might have been kinder to my heart.