Thou Hast FORSAKEN me!!!

I have FearNet on demand. This is both a blessing and a curse. The blessings are I can catch up on some horror films I haven't seen yet or watch some of my old time favorites that I don't own on DVD. Unfortunately the curse comes when I decide to randomly pick a film just based on the title. Its like playing Russian Roulette with your remote control. But I was still sick yesterday and feelin' frisky so I decided to pick a movie at random and see what would happen.
The curse struck again.
I picked out this dandy of a film called The Forsaken, or as like like to call it Vampire Hunter Douche. Every male in this film is a douche and every woman in this movie is a blathering idiot, a psycho hose beast, or both. The movie follows a young man (douche #1) who decides to road trip across country to get to his sister's wedding. In the process he meets a vampire hunter (douche #2) who gets him wrapped up in some strange vampire hunting antics involving a blond catatonic and the most obnoxious vampire leader ever (douche #3). There's also some sort of subplot about Douche #1 driving a loaner car across country to some rich woman. And that's....pretty much it.

The movie feels like it was trying to be a John Carpenter's Vampires for the "bro" set. It's wants to be a rough and tumble macho movie. But what it lacks are charismatic characters (and actors) and the hard core brutality that Vampires has. This turns it into a movie about two douche bags chasing another douche bag and slapping a dumb blond around for no apparent reason. Am I using the word douche too much? Probably. But I can't think of any other term that could describe the characters in this movie better other than possibly fucktard. You just don't care about them. You care more about the state of their loner car than you do them. Though most fight sequences I thought "Oh! That bullet will damage the paint! Oooh! The bumper fell off! Oh No!" while one of our heroes was shot, bitten, or beaten to a pulp.

Also, their vampire mythology is all over the damn place. I'm a women who likes it when mythologies are played with. It always presents a fresh take on an old concept weather its zombies, vampires, or werewolves. But I do believe you should attempt to make the new mythology make sense and be consistent. At the beginning of the movie, its established that vampirism is passed on through some form of infection that you get when bitten. You can also take a form of drug that will delay the turning into a vampire. Okay, I can get into that. You have to kill the vampire that turned you, before you turn to go back to being human. Okay, I can get that too though it sounds weird when it comes to fighting an infection. Vampires were founded by a bunch of french knights that sold their soul to the devil, then divided up and started biting people....okay wait...wasn't it supposed to be a medical condition not a mystical one? Right about this time, most of the medical info from the start of the movie was forgotten and dropped. I suppose both medical and mystical can go together if you take the effort to WRITE about it. But it just seemed dropped after the french knight explanation. No mention of any other magical properties of the drugs either. It just didn't mesh. Come on writers, either make and effort to combine the two or PICK ONE!

Now usually when a movie has gaping plot holes, at least we can rely on the idea of the vampires being cool right?....Right? Yeah, not so much. These were the most annoying group of blodsuckers EVER. Even Anne Rice's vampires couldn't hold a candle to these obnoxious, annoying, wannabe bad boys. Here's what they do. They Eat. They Fuck. THAT'S IT. They don't even do either very interestingly. Most of the feeding frenzy scenes are cut away or filmed so erratically that you can't really see much happening. And the sex scenes are the same.Also, our head vampire chews the scenery so much you really can't tell if he's overacting or if he has some form of brain damage. And his girlfriend bugged me. I know they were trying to make her a femme fatal. I know she was trying to be sexy. But her sexy consisted of looking vacant, cocking her hips, and having the vague air of syphilis about her. Oh, and for those keeping count, you do not see her boobs.

Okay, I can go on and on about how insanely dumb this movie is but I should stop now. One good thing is it didn't make me enraged like Jeepers Creepers did. Probably because I had no expectations going into this film. Also, I do believe this would be a hilarious film to watch while completely drunk, though it lacks the complete ridiculousness of Nick Cage's Wickerman.
Overall? Unless you want a mediocre drunk film, or have a douche fetish. Skip this one.

Movies to Get Drunk By...

I'll admit it, I want to have a drunken Wicker Man party.
And not the original GOOD version. OH no no no. I want to use the new Nick Cage version.

Yes, this movie was god awful. The story went nowhere, the acting was melodramatic, and the scares were Nil. But I still want to have a drunken Wicker Man party.
Why? I think this little video will sum it up enough.



Three things: Bicycle, Bear Suit, and Karate kicking Leelee Sobieski.
If that isn't hilarious on its own sober then imagine the insanity after a few rum and cokes?

So lets open this to discussion folks. What god awful horror movie would you choose to watch completely wasted?

I'll be planning the drunken Wicker Man party for this summer. Just FYI...

All Work and No Play Make Cindy Go Crazy...

I'll be posting an article up here that actually is entertaining soon.
But until then? Check this shit out!

Ever wondered what Jack Torrance's Book was about?
WONDER NO MORE!

Looks like Jackie Boy has finished his novel and put it up for sale on the interwebs.I bet its quite the heart warming story as well.

I stumbled onto this link randomly and laughed my ass off. Be sure to hit the book preview for that maximum feeling of someone having WAY too much time on their hands.
I'm really tempted to pick this sucker up...or make my own because that's how I've been feeling lately.
*twitch*
Umm...nothing to see here!
Where's my ax?

What the Fuck was THAT?

Seriously!!
I just finished watching one of the most cracked out films I've seen all month. And this is coming from someone who just watched Zombie Strippers and Frankenhooker.

The movie is called Bloody Mallory. And its French.
What the Hell is up with the French?!

I found this little gem on Hulu to keep me company while the hubby is out playing WarHammer 30k (For those wondering, he has an orc army). The movie is an insane campy romp full of demons, over acting, and drag queens. And its awesome.

The story revolves around a trio of supernatural commandos made up of an angry bitch named Mallory, her drag queen pal Vena Cava, and Talkie Tina the child mute telepath. They have to rescue the pope from demons. A priest pops up later to help from someplace. There's also a wacky vampire chick and a succubus who appears to have a giant clitorus on her head.
Everyone in this movie has fabulous hair and wears leather pants.

I do believe a group of Japanese drag queens wrote this movie because its almost like a life action anime...in french.
The costumes are ridiculous, the story is insane, and the acting is pretty lame. But my god its hilariously awesome!
This movie isn't a gore fest or even scary at all. But if you're looking for a good laugh and some great camp. Check it out.
Here's the movie right here. Enjoy!

Stuck - A Review

I promised John from Freddy In Space I would review this movie by Friday.
And now it is Saturday night...And I'll probably hit the post button sometime around Sunday.

I'm trying to give Stac's rant as much top blog time as possible because I think I snorted a french fry out of my nose while reading it. A garlic one. And it hurt. THAT'S how fucking funny it was!
So go read that if you haven't then come back and read this.

Okay...done now?

Moving on.

So Stuck was recommended by Freddy in Space. Well not really recommended, more like "Hey I haven't watched this! Lets all watch this together! "I am prone to the bandwagon syndrome. After all, I did have mall bangs once in my life.
Oh shut up, I'm sure most of you wore parachute pants and OP shirts at one time.
So I threw it up onto the Netflix cue.



Stuck is an interesting little film. The story is a simple one. White trashy Ghetto-licious nurse in an old folks home gets trashed at a club and hits a pathetic down on his luck loser walking across the street. Instead of calling 911, she drives the car home and locks it in the garage with the guy still stuck in her windshield. Hilarity ensues.

Now one thing I have to admit, I did not feel this movie was a horror film. I'm not sure why people are classifying it in the genre either. It comes across as a quirky drama/thriller. Now I'm open to just about all genres of films (though some chick flicks really grate at me) so that wasn't much of a disappointment. But if you were expecting an over the top hardcore gorefest be forewarned, It is NOT.

The movie's pacing was nice. I like how the characters were set up. Nurse Brandi (Mena Suvari) appeared at the beginning to be a compassionate, nice, though rather class-less young woman but as the film went on her character degenerated into one spineless selfish bitch. Likewise, victim Thomas (Stephan Rea) who begins comes across as a pathetic dead beat, stops being a victim and starts to take matters into his own hands...well as best as you can with being stuck half into a car windshield. The acting was good. Stephan Rea was a stand out, never going too over the top with his performance and keeping Thomas grounded as a real guy. Mena Suvari did a good job as well. She handled the transformation from sweet thing to scheming bitch very smoothly making it all feel natural. Of course the scene stealer was Russel Hornsby as Rashid, Brandi's manipulative cheating, E Dealing, douche boyfriend. He kept the levity in the movie despite the heavy subject matter and I really enjoyed watching his character sleaze his way across the screen.

The gore itself was neither clown gore nor was it over the top torture porn. It tended to fall into that category of "real life" gore which I particularly do not like. Yet there were some moments of over the top violence. Someone does get a pen to the eye and there is a cat fight that involved a frying pan to the head that was just slapstick funny. Much to my surprise, for a movie about a guy getting hit by a car, the gore was rather minimal.

The weakest point of this movie was the direction. It just couldn't make up its mind on what it wanted to be. Drama? Horror? Thriller? Dark Comedy? Social Commentary? It wanted to be all these things but never really put a firm foot into any of them for me to even consider putting it into those categories. I don't mind mixing my genres but make a decision and go with gusto! This unfortunately would drag the movie down as it tried to make up its mind on where it wanted to go. Luckily the performances and interesting subject matter kept me watching to the end. I'm glad too because the final showdown between Brandi and Thomas was funny and really intense. It was a great climax. A little lack luster of an ending, but a great climax.

My overall impression? It was entertaining. It was not what I would consider horror and the movie itself felt muddled. But it did have moments of entertainment and the third act is worth wading through the patchy first and second act of the movie. I wouldn't own it on DVD but it was worth the rental price.
If you're looking for a good quirky drama movie, this is a good one to watch. If you rather spend your money on some good quirky horror, rent ReAnimator instead.

You Should Know Better, Dammit

I had me a wee epiphany the other night.

I love horror movies, and obviously, so do you or you wouldn't be reading this, I presume. (Or you're my roommate. Hi, Bevin!) But as fans, we all have to admit that there can be some truly terrible entries into our beloved genre. I'm sure this applies across the board, regardless of the story, but for some reason horror's failures seem to be so much more.. vivid.. than its filmographic siblings.

Every style of film has its cliches, but none seem to make my blood boil to the same degree as some of the rampant stupidity that scary (or want to be) movies seem to spread all over the camera lens like rancid mayonnaise. This is lazy thinking at its finest, in my regard, and it can take an otherwise enjoyable watching experience and turn it into a weapon that I swear to God in heaven above was designed for the sole purpose of pissing me off. So I thought I would take this blog, turn it into a nifty cyber soap box, and figuratively climb upon it to scream into the darkness of the internet.

The first of many cliches that is absolutely guaranteed to make me chew on tin foil in the futile hopes of calming myself down off of this precipice of SHEER RAGE is everyone's favorite: the bull shit ending. You know what I mean here; its become a staple of low budget horror in particular, and you can basically guarantee that any macabre movie shown on the Sci Fi channel will do this. I'm referring to what I have dubbed The Negated Ending. This is where the film makers either show themselves to be greedy, "edgy", stupid, or all three. This is where the climax of the film has delivered its pay off, the evil is vanquished, the couple or group of friends, or siblings, or whatever the survivor pool is comprised of, quip tiredly off into the sunset, assured that because of the rules that allowed the evil to be summoned in the first place, the evil is now no more. There is usually no way that the threat of the film could come back-- the ghost is exorcised, the bad guy shot, the monster banished, the portal to hell closed. And then what fucking happens, like you don't already know?! Somehow, improbably, the threat is back, tries to throw a little BOOGABOOGA at you, like you didn't see it telegraphed about an HOUR ago, and then the credits role.

Attention film makers who pull this stunt: I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU GET LIP HERPES! AND I HOPE IT ITCHES!! STOP DOING THIS!!!!


The next stupid cliche that makes me so angry I get a burst blood vessel in my eyeball: the "shocking" betrayal that, once again, you probably picked up on before the main titles had come up on the screen. Can't people who claim to be friends just be fucking friends? Have these dip shits been in the movie machine for so long now that betrayal is simply a way of life? I get that not everyone is who they claim they are, but not everyone is a lying douche nozzle waiting for you to turn your back so they have a clearer view of where to plant the knife, either! If you think your friend would fuck you over for pot or money or a lay, don't take their asses into the jungle with you! Have a pal prone to emotionally crumbling? Make sure you don't get partnered with them in the abandoned, creepy hospital! Are you a spy or consorting with them? THEN TRUST NO ONE! (I'm looking at YOU Indiana Jones!) I'm also going to give everyone in the world a hint: if Jake Busey appears to you, claiming he's in need of aid, keep fucking driving!

This spills over a bit into character stereotypes: on the rare occasion that you have a self sufficient heroine, why is her boyfriend always a cheating, abusive piece of shit? I personally make it my goal to terrorize those I date into remaining faithful. I can guarantee you emasculation at best, and if I find out about your inability to keep your tonker in your Tuffkskins during a high stress situation like we're being chased by zombies, your ass is brain food for the shambling masses of the undead. Why is there no such thing as a surviving and healthy relationship? If the guy isn't a prick then Leatherface is going to plant a zipper in his chest and wear him around to do his crazy chainsaw dance in.

One last one (for now) and then I'll wrap, because I can most assuredly go on all night on this topic. Ask anyone who's seen me (or wound me up into a) rant; it can go on for hours, involves frothing at the mouth, wild gesticulation, volume, and then tends to degenerate into drinking a lot of tequila and sulking. And sometimes sleeping on Cins' kitchen floor, but that's a tale for anther time.

My final peevish irritation is pointed at faulty anatomy. It's thanks to this thought that I got the idea for this entry as well as a future article, so score one for irrational hatred. Is it that fucking hard to crack out an anatomy textbook or something, to verify that your killing blow will, in fact, kill? My most recent red flag in this instance is the ever popular stomach stab. Did you know that this is, actually, a really fucking horrible, lengthy way to die? Unless the stabbing object manages to nick the major artery in the back, along the spine and the victim bleeds out, most wounds of this kind can actually take a long time to kill the person it is inflicted on. Shock might do them in first, if they were lucky, but otherwise what is likely to set in is sepsis, caused by stomach acid leaking into the body's cavity. I would imagine that death will eventually result from a massive infection, or organ damage. You don't just go *STAB*, and the victim then dies to death. And it is sure as HELL not a merciful way to kill someone! For fuck's sake, people!

I know that common sense and suspension of disbelief don't often go hand in hand, but come ON! Meet me in the middle, will you? I'm warning you: this WILL be an ongoing thing. So very, very much of the world ANGERS ME!