Creepy Kitch's Muffled Convergence Episode!

Its here!
All right, its a week late, but its here! Creepy Kitch's Convergence Episode! It was a wild ride full of Disney visits, booze, bad sound quality (so sorry! My mic sucks!), and lots of laughing.
Seriously, just pretend we're drunk in this episode.

Also in this action packed episode!
Anti-semantic Annie!
David S. Pumpkins!
Sweaty Redneck Fetish!
Sigourney Weaver will spank you!
The Conjuring 2!
All the Stranger Things!
The winner of the Story contest!

Give a listen here!

Creepy Kitch Halloween Spook-tackular!

Its that time of year again!

The Bitches of Kitch are back celebrating our favorite holiday of all!  This year we're joined with podcaster and awesome dude, Johnny Krug from Kruger Nation! Together we all discuss the cult classics TerrorVision and Rockula. Also our usual fun talks about Halloweens past, Ghost stories, and more stuff I can't remember because I had quite a bit of wine at the time.

Come remember for us! 

Listen up Here!

Creepy Kitch Halloween Extravaganza 2! The Reckoning

Further proof that Stac and Cins needs structure.
Creepy Kitch returns with its second annual Halloween show! Come join the gals as they discuss the old school Halloween special The Worst Witch and Psych's Halloween special Tuesday The 17th!

Special features include:
A discussion on slutty Halloween costumes.
Douchebag exorcists who hate the Amish.
Tim Curry's tambourine.

And more rambling nonsense you've come to know and love... or at least tolerate.
Happy Halloween all, and enjoy!!

Creepy Kitch Halloween Spectacular Extravaganza!

Or...to simply put it, another episode where Stac and Cins ramble on about various things ad Nausea.

So here it is, our Halloween Special!
This is different from our usual episodes as it in lack the usual movie reviews. On our special bonus episode Stac and Cins chat about various Halloween-y type of things such as; what films are tradition to watch on Halloween for us, stories on Trick or Treating past, Ghost stories, and other general craziness.
We also give a long list of thank you shout outs to our other friends, podcasters and other folk who has helped us on this wacky journey.

Enjoy!

Creepy Kitch Episode 7: WTF?!

Its up!
Creepy Kitch Episode 7: WTF!!
This episode we discuss the strangest freakin' movies ever made The Sinful Dwarf and Equinox!
We also talk about why we love romance novels, why Gone with the Wind rules/sucks, as well as the weekly Fuck Off.
We also want to ONCE AGAIN thank our Gare-Bear for editing this episode yet again. All Hail the Gare-Bear!
This folks..is a banner episode.
Seriously.

Listen Up!

Creepy Kitch/Sassycast Special Episode!

Hey all!
So Stac, has run into a few real life shenanigans which means that Episode 5 is going to be delayed until after forth of July. I hope you all stay tuned until then!

To hold you over, I give you the guest hosting stint that Stac and I did on our "sister" podcast, Sassycast. Hopefully this will tide you over until we're back on track.
Hopefully this will also be available on our iTunes for downloading soon!
A big thanks to Roy and Chris for hosting us crazy bitches.

Thanks again for sticking with us for this long!

Listen Here!

Lymph Lymph Everywhere..

Its almost 3 am and here I sit, writing a paper that's due in 8 hours. I have to be up for class in 5. My paper is on Mayan origin stories, taken from the Popol Vuh, which is the text that explains the creation of the world in Mayan belief systems. It was miraculously saved from destruction when European contact was made with the New World; the Mayans hid it.

As I write this paper, I am listening to the theme to Clive Barker's Nightbreed, one of my favorite movies, and one of my favorite pieces of thematic music. Clive Barker's work is always bloody, but it's more than that, too, it's lymphy, I once heard it described, and that description has always stuck with me as the perfect summation of the look of a lot of his gore.

So while listening to lymph music, what do I read, in a section on human sacrifice but this:
"You will become great in your very being. Defeat all the tribes. They must bring blood and lymph before us, they must come to embrace us. They belong to us already." (Popol Vuh, 163-4, Tedlock translation).

That's a lot of lymph for 3 in the morning.

I Probably Should Have Just Gone to Bed.

I stayed up until 3 am this morning watching Mongolian Death Worm. Now, with a title this stupid, and the fact that it was on, of course!, SciFi (I know how they spell it; much like Prince's stupid symbol, I refuse to participate.) I should have known better. I really, really should have. But this was one of those weird movies that had a cast that was way too good for it. Sean Patrick Flannery was the lead, Daniel, and was way too charming for my getting to bed at a decent time. He also had a great, low-key chemistry with the female lead, Dr. Alicia Something, played by Victoria Pratt.

This movie is supposed to have been set in the vast Mongolian grasslands. Hilariously, everyone in this drives a vehicle; from what I've heard (and it is admittedly second hand. I'd go look it up but, well, it's Sunday and.. uh.. I don't wanna.) the Mongolian tundra is simply too big for vehicles to be viable. There's no place to refuel, a big reason for why the nomadic people in that area prefer horseback. There are also several shots, at the experimental oil drilling facility (run by the expected Evil White Guys Corp) of very lush, manicured lawns, and what appeared to be a forested area. Mongolia does have forested areas, but I'm pretty sure they're not smack in the middle of the tundra, ya know?

But my faaaaaavorite part of this movie was the BLATANT paternalism running rampant and peeing all over the conflicting landscape of Pretend Mongolia. Every single Asian person in this film that was given a name is eaten by the worms (except in one case where someone is inexplicably shot by a member of Evil White Guys Corp. Still not sure why on that one). There was one person of Asian extraction who was portrayed as competent, the local cowboy hat wearing sheriff (?) named Timur. He kicked wormy ass, and then, to punish his hubris for being a competent non-white person in a shitty horror movie, he is literally eaten in the last two minutes of the film. Yeah, fuck you too, movie. Only Whitey could save everyone!

There's also some subplot about finding and looting Ghengis Khan's tomb, but I think I was playing Pet Society on Facebook or something when they explained that. The movie ends with the Evil White Guys Corp goin' 'splode, and then dead guy gold rains down on our cackling survivors. Apparently, heated up gold coins don't hurt when they fall on you from great heights! Who knew? I'm going to cite this film in my defense when I climb a building with scrap jewelry and a slingshot. I think my chances of getting off are pretty good, honestly.

The CGI in the film was almost decent for the most part; the worms, which looked like giant maggots mashed violently with hook worms, looked pretty good, which means they looked gross and squishy. The worms also had a second mouth inside the first: yes, this movie is essentially a Tremors rip-off but with more passive racism and less Fred Ward.

Now, there is an actual rural legend in Mongolia, called the Mongolian Death Worm. I'm sure it sounds way cooler in Mongolian. The actual legend is pretty interesting, and I suggest you look it up.

In summation: I should have gone to bed.

Creepy Kitch SPECIAL Episode! - Guest Host on Sassycast

Check out this special treat!
On the side, when I'm not watching horror films and being obsessive about miniature things, I co-host a non horror podcast with my friends Roy and Chris called "Sassycast: Roy and Chris' Adventure Fun Time Show", a fun Slice 'o Life style podcast.
Turns out Roy (also known as Cinematic Slice of Cheese here on the comments) has become quite a fan of Creepy Kitch. So he asked Stac and I to come guest host an episode of his podcast.
And Lemme tell you, its insanely chaotic.
So come listen to the four us us chat about horror films, cult films, and our sassy lady hampers!

You can find Sassycast on iTunes, Facebook, and Mevio. Check them out! Its laugh riot!

Listen on in to our episode!

Bad Acting!

So its apparently Monsoon season here on the west coast. And do you know what I like to do on cold stormy days? I like to surf youtube and watch horrifically bad scenes from horror films.

Yes, whenever I am down or things feel gloomy,shitty acting always brightens my day....not that the gloomy weather is depressing me. I actually love it. I'm just looking for an excuse to watch some schlock.

AND I'm going to share it with you! WOOO!

Here are some of my favorite bad scenes from crappy horror films:

Silent Night Deadly Night 2 -Garbage Day!

We all know this one...It never ceases to baffle the hell out of me.

Troll 2 - OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

Someone needs to give this kid an Oscar. Not only for his fine line delivery but also for how he doesn't even seem to realize there's a GIANT FLY on his forehead. That's real folks....Real.

Shark Attack 3 - I'm really wired..

Seriously...this WORKED? His cock must be huge.

The Wicker Man - Bear Suit Boxing.
Just...watch...seriously...This is pure awesome.

Grotesque - ACTING!!

I have no idea if this movie was a horror film. I assumed so because of the title and it has Linda Blair in it. Regardless, this clip has some of the best...and I mean THE BEST scenery chewing I have ever scene. You can see the veins popping out on the lead thug's neck. He looks like one of those squeezy stress toys every time he speaks. BEAUTIFUL!

And there it is...ENJOY!

So...a new holiday horror film? I think so!

Okay hear me out.

I think most Holiday horror movies are pretty awesome. I mean we got killer snowmen, killer santas, and killer...well you get the idea. Yet no one has YET tackled the scariest holiday day ever.
BLACK FRIDAY.
That's right folks. No one to my knowledge has tackled this day. And why not? Come on, have you SEEN some of the people out there on Black Friday?! I went once in my life...ONCE... and never again. The pushing, the screaming, the trampling. OYE!
...it almost makes someone want to cut lose with a machete, don't it?

So I think there needs to be a Black Friday horror film. And it must involve the following:

• Disgruntled Retail employees.
• Midnight Madness.
• Tickle Me Elmo.
• Somewhere, somehow, a Walmart.
• A Muzak version of "The Little Drummer Boy".
• A Machete.
• Shoppers being trampled.
• A cleverly dressed killer..like completely decked out in shopping bags and livers or something.
• Fat lady in a stained Christmas Sweater.

I mean the kills practically write themselves, here. Okay Hollywood...you heard my case...get crackin'!!

These Holiday horror thoughts brought to you by crack!

Creepy Kitch is 1 Year Old!

Mmmm....zombie head cheese.

Well Technically it will be Creepy Kitch's Birthday tomorrow. But since tomorrow's Thanksgiving, both Stac and I will probably be stuffing our bellies full with Turkey and the blood of young virgin men. Still one year of blogging is nothing to sneeze at, especially since Stac and I have the attention spans of kittens on cocaine. It seems like just yesterday I IMed Stac with "Hey..I got an idea."

I wanted to give some quick shout outs to a few people in particular:

Nojh: He's our die hard regular in the comments section. Thanks for always giving us a read, sticking with us from the begining. and striking up some wonderful conversations around here!

Johnny from Freddy In Space: Johnny has been busy as heck lately but he still has found the time to always promote us or give us blogger advice. Without him or Freddy In Space there would probably be no Creepy Kitch. So thanks Johnny, for all the inspiration! You set the bar for us and hopefully we'll rise to it!

Mike and Sam from Cadaver Lab: You guys rule. You've been our cheerleaders and you always give us shout outs on your podcast whenever you can. And we REALLY appreciate it. Stac and I always get warm fuzzies when you mention our blog in glowing terms...hell we get warm fuzzies even when you talk about our perversions. Thank you for all of that!


To ALL our Readers: I wanted to give a shout out thanks to all you folks who have been reading us for this long or have just popped in and decided to stay. You guys make this blog fun for us! We have a small group of readers but all of you guys have been awesome. Thank You!


And a special shout out from Cins to her partner in crime, Stac: Stac, you're the best writer on here and I could not have been able to keep this thing going a whole year without you. Thanks for going along with my wack-a-doodle ideas. Here's to one more year of blogging insanity!

So thanks again all! And have a happy Thanksgiving!!!

Halloween Movie Madness Week 2! - Night of the Demons

Let us go back in time.

Let us go back in time to the glorious era when hair was large, eyeliner was considered macho, and boobs had not become %100 fake yet.
Yes dear reader, I am speaking of, the 80's.

Night of the Demons is an old school film I saw years and years ago when I began my decent into the horror movie world. I spotted it on FEARnet on demand last night and in a wave of nostalgia I ordered the sucker up. This movie is perfect Drunken Horror Movie Night fodder. And if you have not seen this cheesy gem you have no idea what you are missing!

In typical bad 80's horror movie tradition, the plot of this sucker is paper thin. The usual group of slutty teenage girls (and their virginal friend) and extremely obnoxious douche bag boyfriends (and the token black guy) all have a party in a demon possessed house. The rest I'm sure you can figure out. I love this movie purely for the fact that it has no shame. I truly believe the makers of this film knew they were going to make something cheesy and sleazy and said "Fuck the public! This is going to be epic!" And I assure you it was epic. Maybe not in a good way, but it was epic.

This movie has it all, kills, possession, tits, and extremely bad dancing. Seriously, the teenagers dance like the Peanuts gang if they were all goth. You can hear the Charlie Brown theme in your head as they dance the night away. It also has probably they most awesomely bad line in the world involving two convenient store clerks and sour balls.

And then there's Stooge.

The pig on the right...awwwww yeah.

How natural selection passed over this fine specimen is beyond my knowledge. Stooge is the father of all douche bags. All other douche bags after him were probably reproduced from his back hair when someone spilled water on him. His douche baggery is on an epic scale.

Hey Ladies, he's not single but he does screw around.

Don't you want to break off a piece of Stooge?

But you know what it has that is a wow factor I have never EVER seen in another horror film before? Brace yourselves.

It has a nipple that absorbs an entire tube of lip stick.

Let me repeat that.

This movie has a nipple that absorbs an entire tube of lip stick.

I think that sentence speaks for itself.
EQUINOX!!!

Once again, this film is far from a masterpiece. But if you love cheesy films and some hilariously bad acting go, nay, RUN to the Netflix and add Night of the Demons to your cue!

EQUINOX!!!!

So the convergence has ended. A good time was had by all. And if anything, the convergence has left us with this beautiful BEAUTIFUL thing...

EQUINOX!

EQUINOX!!!!!

Its like an angel came down and kissed this movie trailer upon us. For we have fallen in love with it. It appears to be a horror film about everything and nothing. What is this movie about? I have no fucking clue. But who cares! For it is the wonder called:

EQUINOX!!

We loved this trailer so much that it became ingrained in our vocabulary the entire week. So now whenever Stac and I encounter something that completely defies explanation we throw are arms asunder and bellow in loud voices:

"EQUINOX!!!"

Because we loved this trailer so much we even did our own reenactment of the film:


What does that photo mean? No fucking clue. Much like:

EQUINOX!!

Next convergence we will see this movie. OH YES we shall.

EQUINOX!!

Was there an alternative title for this?

Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2....Freddy's House Angry Penetration.

Seriously have you SEEN THIS MOVIE?! Some people were saying that you only see the gay metaphors when you're really looking for them. Perhaps I am looking really hard for them.
But when a gym teacher is pelted with countless amounts of balls as his naked supple butt cheeks are whipped with a wet towel by Mr Kruger before his body is penetrated by his claws, I start a wonderin'. This is after they pointlessly film the gym teacher's visit to a leather bar. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT?!?!
They weren't even GOOD metaphors! What are they trying to say? "Hey, pal, if you come out of the closet, you'll become Freddy Kruger" WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL, MAN!
I have so many questions!
Why did the bird explode?!
Why does Freddy hate anything from Ikea?!
Why does our leading woman look like Meryl Streep?!
Why did our leading man have a box in his closet that was marked PROBE?!
Did I finally find a movie that pissed me off more than Jeepers Creepers and Exorcist: The Begining?!
WHY WHY WHY!
POR QUE!!!

....I'm okay.
Thanks Stac.
I'm so getting you back for this.

The Convergence has begun!

Well..it began about two days ago but STILL!

And the horror began. Right in our living room! We found a great DVD on Netflix instant cue called Cheesy Horror Movie Trailers. Its about an hour long and its nothing but trailers from the 50's up to the 80's. Now it does contain some classic movies such as the original Friday the 13th (I will admit, that trailer is kinda shitty), Blacula, and The Fearless Vampire Killers but the majority of the trailers are really REALLY God awful and insanely laughable. And you don't even have to sit through the whole movie! Just the hilarious parts!

Stac and I made a list of ones we want..nay... NEED to see:

• Dr Jekyll and Sister Hyde
• Berserk -staring MS JOAN CRAWFORD! In some sort of circus setting.
• Werewolf Vs The Vampire Woman...where humping someone into submission IS a valid form of self defense.
• Abby -the Blaxplotation version of The Exorcist..nuff said.
• Sugar Hill -Blaxplotation zombie movie with some of the best looking Afros EVAR.
• The Sinful Dwarf...I kid you not. The movie is named The Sinful Dwarf. I repeat....The Sinful DWARF.... I NEED to see a movie called The Sinful Dwarf!! This is my purpose in life, damnit!

Hopefully Stac will Edit this entry to add the ones I'm missing. But those are the ones that stand out in my mind. This is mostly due to the soda I laughed out through my nose while watching them.
Anyways, The Convergence Begins! We will update from time to time with nonsense during the week. Until then, CHEERS!

Edit by Stac: You forgot EQUINOX!, the movie about nothing and everything, apparently, and TERROR! Starring Herve Villachaize as the tiny VooDoo monster, or whatever he was supposed to be. And yes, you DO need to see The Abominable Dr. Phibes, woman!

The Good, The Bad, and the Exorcist

I love The Exorcist.
Yeah, I guess that means you can call me old school but I love that movie. Its definitely in my top ten horror films of all time. Its one of those films that I can pop into the PS3 at any time...which has proven a little annoying to the hubby since now I know this movie by heart. I know a lot of younger horror fans really don't see what the big deal is with The Exorcist. And looking at it by today standards, it can be considered pretty tame. But as a person who was born in the 70's and as a Catholic (Well, Catholic Lite. Not quite Catholic enough.) this movie still gives me the heebies even after the 200th viewing.
Unfortunately AND fortunately The Exorcist spawned two sequels and two prequels. I consider The Exorcist to be one of those magical movies. It was a film that had all the right elements. Great acting, great screenplay, great source material, and a fearless director is what put this movie in a special breed of horror that is reserved for films like The Shining and Let the Right One In. So trying to duplicate it is pretty close to impossible. Do I think any of the movies equal the original? Not really, no. But I have to say two out of the four are pretty darn good. Yeah...I was as surprised as you are.

Lets Start with The Bad...

Exorcist II: The Heretic
Well, this movie works for a good drunken horror film night for sure. The movie is generally about Linda Blair's Regan having grown up and SURPRISE! The demon decides to come back and fuck with her again. It has some unintentionally hilarious moments such as Linda Blair trying to be sexily demon possessed, that very bizarre hypno mirror light machine do-hicky, and Richard Burton saying Pazuzu so much that it should be made into a drinking game. I love camp and bad horror films but since I have such a love for the original, well, it just doesn't do it for me. Exorcist II: The Heretic is a product of the studio machine. You can just picture the meeting for this movie:
"We'll do a sequel! But we'll make it SEXY!"
"Yeah! Sexy!"
"Yeah! Linda can sex it all up! And we'll put some more action in it. The Exorcist needs some more action. How about Locusts!?"
"Oh! And the Demon should have a name! I mean we should make it a character and all! Get into its skin! Market some dolls to the kids!"
"I got a great name! Pazuzu!"
"Perfect! Kids will LOVE it!"

I will admit, the locust scene is pretty fun to watch, but the whole movie leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I would say more about it but...well...there really isn't a whole lot to say. Most of it is ridiculous and what isn't is so unmemorable that I can barely write about it. I don't hate it but I really don't love it either. But one thing it did give us; that great Futurama episode were Dr. Farnsworth howled "PAZUUUUZUUUUU!" to call back his beloved pet demon.
I may revisit this movie after a pint of rum.

Exorcist: The Beginning
This movie makes me angry...violently angry. We're talking Jeepers Creepers rage here. I remember planning to catch it in the theaters. Luckily, my brother in law (who is also an Exorcist fan) stopped me. And I'm so glad he did. I ended up renting it for a buck from Blockbuster months later out of curiosity. I believe they found me on top of a clock tower with a cross bow and several hostages after the viewing. Stac managed to talk me down via cell phone with promises of rainbow bunnies and chocolate covered hugs. I don't want to think about the aftermath if I had seen it in the theater.
The movie is suppose to cover Father Merrin's younger years when he performed his first exorcism on a young boy in Africa. Or so that's what the original Exorcist said happened. In this movie there really isn't a little boy and Father Merrin is a priest in the same way you can call Paris Hilton a good role model for the kiddies.
A little background on the prequel of the Exorcist. This movie was in development Hell. It went through several directors and writers before it was finally written by William Wishing and directed by Paul Schrader. But during a studio viewing the powers that be apparently though that it needed more sex and violence (see above discussion in Exorcist II) and tossed him off the project. In comes Renny Harlin who has done such prestigious films like Cliffhanger, Deep Blue Sea, and The Adventures of Ford Fairlane to direct. Because if one thing the Exorcist is known for, its its thrilling action sequences, sharks, and Andrew Dice Clay.
Now the new screenwriter, Alexi Hawley apparently likes to write by braille because I seriously doubt he even saw the original Exorcist at all. The continuity with the original film is non existent, the characters are completely off mark, and the story makes no sense what so ever. You can practically see poor Stellan Skarsgard as Father Merrin rolling his eyes with every line delivery. Combine all that with an unnecessary opening shot of a bunch of CGI guys crucified upside down and the need to make Father Merrin Indiana Jones, complete with putting on a Fedora and walking off into the sunset and this is the perfect movie to induce rage in me.
If anyone ever happens to run into any studio execs who worked on this film, please hit them....with a cast iron skillet...then feed them to rabid monkeys...then laugh at them.

NOW on to the good...

Exorcist III: Legion
You may all pick your jaws off the floor now. Seriously, this movie was actually GOOD. Exorcist III: Legion is much more on par with the original, not only with its tone, but with its storyline as well. The movie picks up years after the original film and follows Kinderman running into Father Karris's body possessed by something nasty. That nasty is brilliantly portrayed by one of my all time favorite creepy men, Brad Dourif. The demon popped itself back in Karris's body and brought it back to life just because it enjoyed the irony....that's pretty fucked up.
The movie is a lot like the original with its build up being very character driven. A good deal of the movie is spent between Kinderman (now played by George C. Scott) and the Gemini Killer Demon (Dourif) talking...or actually Dourif talking and Scott looking genuinely freaked out. That is interspersed with crazy old people, freaky dream sequences, and a little old lady crawling on the ceiling. The movie is directed by William Peter Blatty, the writer of The Exorcist novel. I believe this was his first film. And while it does suffer from first time director clumsiness in places, the movie itself is extremely well done. I'd say the weakest part is the ending exorcism scene. The original scrip did not end with an exorcism. But the studio felt that if you're going to name a film Exorcist III, you better damn well have an exorcism in there! Though its not a bad scene, it does feel a bit tacked on. But a priest getting his skin ripped off and George C. Scott giving a great speech about how he now believes in evil keeps it entertaining.
I'd have to say the best part of the movie is what is called "The white sheet scene". I believe this scene was featured in Bravo's Even Scarier Movie Moments. What is so masterful about that scene isn't the scare but the build up. The long lingering shot, the silence of the room, the mundane activities that seem to go on and on and yet you're positive something is going to happen. So positive that you start grinding your teeth while waiting.
It's not as brilliant as the original but it is a well crafted film worth watching.


Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist.
I must not have been the only one on a clock tower after watching Exorcist: The Beginning. Because shortly after it was released on DVD, Dominion was released. Dominion is the original prequel directed by Paul Schrader before the studio infected it with their film herpes. Schrader actually shot and cut the complete film together before the studio decided to scrap it. And its a much more in depth, exciting, and meaningful ride than the original prequel ever was.
Once again, we follow the beginning years of Father Merrin but unlike Exorcist: The Beginning, Father Merrin is in character. He is still a priest, but struggling with his faith after a horrible tragedy that he took part in when the Nazi's invaded his town in Europe. The movie feels more like a World War II drama with supernatural elements more than a horror film. But then, to make an Exorcist film you need to have a drama at heart to build the horror off of. I never realized what a butcher job the original prequel was until I saw Dominion. There were some great stories, subplots, and wonderful acting cut from the film. Some of the great characters that were lost include Father Francis a young optimistic priest who is the antithesis of Father Karris in the original movie, CheChe the possessed boy in question, and Sargent Major a hard British Sargent who starts to go off the deep end. You also get to see Stellan Skarsgard's wonderful performance as Father Merrin which was lost in the re cut prequel. The whole film is extremely tense. There is tension between the African natives and the Christian missionaries, tension between the local tribes and the British soldiers, tension between the locals and the outcast CheChe, as well as tension between Father Merrin and his slipping faith in his religion. This in turn effects the viewer and you feel completely wound up as you watch the movie. It can be slow moving at times but it never gets boring. The films major short comings are a really bad score which sounds like it was recorded on a Casio keyboard, and its God awful CGI. But I chalk both up to the fact that the film was never 100% completed and both those elements were slapped on for the DVD release. I can overlook that but for those who cannot stand bad CGI, beware.
Once again, its not as good as the original and actually I don't think its as good as Exorcist III. But its a movie that does justice to the character of Father Merrin and its worth the watch.

Yeah, I got a bit long winded there. Thanks for sticking around this far! But The Exorcist is one of those films I feel pretty passionate about. Hopefully you'll give Dominion and Exorcist III a chance if you haven't before. They are definitely worth a peek. And even Exorcist II would be worth a watch after excessive alcohol and a bunch of friends.
But I still stand by my conviction of feeding the execs for Exorcist: the Beginning to rabid monkeys.
Outbreak spider monkeys.
Seriously.
I live by a zoo.
I can do this.

Thou Hast FORSAKEN me!!!

I have FearNet on demand. This is both a blessing and a curse. The blessings are I can catch up on some horror films I haven't seen yet or watch some of my old time favorites that I don't own on DVD. Unfortunately the curse comes when I decide to randomly pick a film just based on the title. Its like playing Russian Roulette with your remote control. But I was still sick yesterday and feelin' frisky so I decided to pick a movie at random and see what would happen.
The curse struck again.
I picked out this dandy of a film called The Forsaken, or as like like to call it Vampire Hunter Douche. Every male in this film is a douche and every woman in this movie is a blathering idiot, a psycho hose beast, or both. The movie follows a young man (douche #1) who decides to road trip across country to get to his sister's wedding. In the process he meets a vampire hunter (douche #2) who gets him wrapped up in some strange vampire hunting antics involving a blond catatonic and the most obnoxious vampire leader ever (douche #3). There's also some sort of subplot about Douche #1 driving a loaner car across country to some rich woman. And that's....pretty much it.

The movie feels like it was trying to be a John Carpenter's Vampires for the "bro" set. It's wants to be a rough and tumble macho movie. But what it lacks are charismatic characters (and actors) and the hard core brutality that Vampires has. This turns it into a movie about two douche bags chasing another douche bag and slapping a dumb blond around for no apparent reason. Am I using the word douche too much? Probably. But I can't think of any other term that could describe the characters in this movie better other than possibly fucktard. You just don't care about them. You care more about the state of their loner car than you do them. Though most fight sequences I thought "Oh! That bullet will damage the paint! Oooh! The bumper fell off! Oh No!" while one of our heroes was shot, bitten, or beaten to a pulp.

Also, their vampire mythology is all over the damn place. I'm a women who likes it when mythologies are played with. It always presents a fresh take on an old concept weather its zombies, vampires, or werewolves. But I do believe you should attempt to make the new mythology make sense and be consistent. At the beginning of the movie, its established that vampirism is passed on through some form of infection that you get when bitten. You can also take a form of drug that will delay the turning into a vampire. Okay, I can get into that. You have to kill the vampire that turned you, before you turn to go back to being human. Okay, I can get that too though it sounds weird when it comes to fighting an infection. Vampires were founded by a bunch of french knights that sold their soul to the devil, then divided up and started biting people....okay wait...wasn't it supposed to be a medical condition not a mystical one? Right about this time, most of the medical info from the start of the movie was forgotten and dropped. I suppose both medical and mystical can go together if you take the effort to WRITE about it. But it just seemed dropped after the french knight explanation. No mention of any other magical properties of the drugs either. It just didn't mesh. Come on writers, either make and effort to combine the two or PICK ONE!

Now usually when a movie has gaping plot holes, at least we can rely on the idea of the vampires being cool right?....Right? Yeah, not so much. These were the most annoying group of blodsuckers EVER. Even Anne Rice's vampires couldn't hold a candle to these obnoxious, annoying, wannabe bad boys. Here's what they do. They Eat. They Fuck. THAT'S IT. They don't even do either very interestingly. Most of the feeding frenzy scenes are cut away or filmed so erratically that you can't really see much happening. And the sex scenes are the same.Also, our head vampire chews the scenery so much you really can't tell if he's overacting or if he has some form of brain damage. And his girlfriend bugged me. I know they were trying to make her a femme fatal. I know she was trying to be sexy. But her sexy consisted of looking vacant, cocking her hips, and having the vague air of syphilis about her. Oh, and for those keeping count, you do not see her boobs.

Okay, I can go on and on about how insanely dumb this movie is but I should stop now. One good thing is it didn't make me enraged like Jeepers Creepers did. Probably because I had no expectations going into this film. Also, I do believe this would be a hilarious film to watch while completely drunk, though it lacks the complete ridiculousness of Nick Cage's Wickerman.
Overall? Unless you want a mediocre drunk film, or have a douche fetish. Skip this one.

Chainsaw Waltz Redux

Last night I FINALLY had time to sit down and watch my DVD of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, and it was love at first sight. I had never seen this as I mentioned before, and was initially leery; the first Texas Chainsaw Massacre scared the fuck out of me. I was about twenty, watched the original with Bevin and Malinda at Bevin's dad's house while he was away, and didn't sleep right for about a week. Bevin was so messed up she had to sleep at my apartment for almost the same amount of time.

I was new to horror movies at the time, and was NOT eager to repeat a scare this bad. Now I'm older, more cynical, and definitely more desensitized; buying sight unseen a used copy of TCM2 just seemed natural and right, dangit.

As it turns out, younger me need not have worried; this movie was less scary and far more hilarious. Here we meet another member of the family, Chop Top, the Vietnam vet with an exposed plate in his head, bad teeth, and a penchant for sizzling his head wound with a heated hanger and eating what comes off. Yes; he eats his own scalp.

Seems the Sawyer boys are out and around in more urban areas now, since the eldest brother, Drayton, is an award winning caterer. There's a scene in the beginning when Drayton is given a trophy for best chili in a competition; in the top of his trophy is a bowl, which has been filled with his award winning entry. You can imagine how horrible a bowl of what was probably just Hormel chili looks as everyone licks their lips, trying to taste. I gagged.

Then we have Lefty, as played but what I can only guess was an extremely drunk Dennis Hopper. He didn't have any noticeable signs, but MAN did he ever have a weird light in his eyes this whole movie; he reminded me of several of my former roommates, in fact. Lefty is a man haunted; he is (I think) Sally and Franklin's brother, and a former Texas Ranger who has been searching for the Sawyer clan for some fourteen years. At this point he is the only one who believes Sally's story. In summation he is twitchy as fuck. At one point he goes and loads up on not one, not two, but THREE chainsaws, bought from some old coot with a roadside store. Had I been the toothless codger in question, there is no way in HELL I would have sold anything more dangerous than a soda to Lefty. He never says a word to the man, and then proceeds to chainsaw the living hell out of a tester log, doing his stoic, glassy-eyed version of the crazy Leatherface dance. I really doubt that either chainsaw or log lived to tell the tale.

Finally, we have Stretch and L.G, both employees of a local rock station. They might be the owners, I'm not sure-- I was trying to do part of my Chemistry homework during the beginning of the film. Stretch is young and sassy, and does the deejaying while L.G is the engineer. Two yuppie pricks keep calling in one night, harassing Stretch, and in the process manage to piss off what I assume was Chop Top and Leather Face. Stretch ends up taping the two screaming as they are chainsawed by our boy Bubba, which she then tries to hand over to Lefty.

A few words on the yuppie extermination: that was one of the coolest things I have ever seen, and I think has to go down in personal history as one of my all time favorite scenes. Leather Face puppeting a corpse that has been strapped to his own body, swinging that chainsaw around was like something Jim Henson's doppelganger would have come up with. I am SO going to do something like that one Halloween! All of this is going on atop the roof of a moving pick up truck, and is the coolest thing in the whole of forever right now.

Stretch ends up calling own the wrath of the family, and poor L.G gets killed and taken by Chop Top and Leather Face. I'm sure you can guess what they intend to do with him. This is where we learn that Leather Face does indeed have a libido; sometimes a chainsaw's not just a chainsaw, folks. Stretch is smart enough to parlay Bubba's sexual desire for her into an escape, which leads to some awesome pelvic thrusting while revving the saw, at Stretch. Then Leather Face ran away. Save for most of the blood, it reminded me a lot of grade school.

Amusing to no one but me, I managed to pick out a Cramps song, while Bevin noticed an Oingo Boingo tune. She initially said "Oh! Right! That's Billy and the Boingers." I was bug eyed at her, because I was pretty sure I didn't hear any Bill the Cat in the music in question. Now THAT, dearies, is old.

All of this leads to the most epic of epic battles: a chain saw duel, between Leather Face and Lefty, and frankly, I didn't know who to root for. Dennis Hopper in a ten gallon cowboy hat, singing hymns as he chainsaws the Sawyers' home (an abandoned theme park) down into the ground is truly a striking image, I must say. So is Stretch tenderly putting L.G's face back on him after he saves her. I'm not into recreational drug use, but MAN, I'll bet this is some trippy shit on the right substances. Trippiest of all however, is Leather Face slipping Stretch the tongue. Drayton is NOT pleased that little Bubba's discovered what a hard on's for, and I'm left wondering if they make their own condoms. EGAD.

This was a weird, weird movie, and I am SO glad to have this for my personal collection. I am taking this with me when I go see Cins this summer, and we are going to drink a lot whilst laughing raucously.

Jim Siebold was the only original cast member in this film, playing eldest brother Drayton, though the actor playing L.G was a crew member/ camera man on the original. I'm really glad that they had Drayton-- that was the most foul-mouthed old man I have ever been privileged to hear, and he went off in some truly creative rants, calling his brothers pecker heads and fudge packers, frequently in the same breath. He gets mildly chainsawed in the booty by Lefty, which was deeply funny, but what can I say; the five year old in me still thinks butts are funny.

I recommend this movie, heartily, and I have no idea why this film apparently got shit all over by fans and critics alike. It's way more comedic in tone than its predecessor, but that's not a bad thing. The acting was great, the story was hilarious, and I think this was way more enjoyable than the remake in 2004. (Eventually I'm going to do a contrast and compare between the original TCM and the remake. The original is better.) According to imdb.com, Dennis Hopper lists this as his worst movie ever, which I think is pretty fucking ambitious considering he was in Super Mario Brothers AND Water World.

Give it a watch, drink in the weird! I dunno about you all, but I'm off chili for the next few weeks.

All Work and No Play Make Cindy Go Crazy...

I'll be posting an article up here that actually is entertaining soon.
But until then? Check this shit out!

Ever wondered what Jack Torrance's Book was about?
WONDER NO MORE!

Looks like Jackie Boy has finished his novel and put it up for sale on the interwebs.I bet its quite the heart warming story as well.

I stumbled onto this link randomly and laughed my ass off. Be sure to hit the book preview for that maximum feeling of someone having WAY too much time on their hands.
I'm really tempted to pick this sucker up...or make my own because that's how I've been feeling lately.
*twitch*
Umm...nothing to see here!
Where's my ax?