Family Pain

Just a quick note: Next podcast ep is supposed to be viewer's choice. So send us your choices! Got something absolutely AWFUL? Got something that hurt you so bad you want someone else to hurt with you? Found a hidden gem? Got a guilty pleasure? GIMME, FUCKERS!

So Cins is off playing pirate for the next week, and I have been left to keep the cobwebs if not cleared out then at least festively sprayed with glitter. I was listening to the fine lads over at Drunken Zombie talk about Hitchcock's Psycho, and my own family's recurring trauma sprung back to life in my brain pan.

The first story is not Hitchcock-specific, but it was something that plagued my whole family. That plague was my father, Steven. Or as I call him, Dad. Dad everyonce in a while decides that some family member's pulse is faaaaaar too calm, and he tries to find some way to terrorize that person. His favorite attack point? The bathroom. His favorite place to get you? The shower. He scared me so damn many times that now, in my early thirties, I still have to open the shower curtain and occasionally peer nervously around for a lurking figure with mania on his mind. To show the true depth of this trauma: I haven't lived with my parents since I was 14. Some scars run deep. To exacerbate it, I'm a screamer, so many was the time I'd be a small child, laying down in the tub, washing my hair, only to open my eyes and see my father's face, mere inches from mine, staring. I screamed a lot as a child.

But Dad's favorite target by far has always been my mother. I will refer to her here as "Mom". Mom is also a screamer; apparently those genes are dominant in this bloodline. Dad's favorite thing to do was to either tear the shower curtain open and shriek, or sneak in and put a cold pop can against Mom's neck. Seriously, did you guys think I came by my vicious personality purely via nature? Nurture had a lot to with it, too. We'd see Dad start giggling, creep into their room and the attached bathroom, and then shortly there after we'd hear Mom scream, Dad's giggle increase, and Mom holler "DAMMIT, STEVEN!" Sometimes he'd even get her twice in the same shower.

But on one glorious, deeply hilarious day, my father got his comeuppance in a big way, and I was in the house to see Karma bite my father firmly on the ass. He had gone a'sneakin', as usual. Mom was getting ready to bathe, but not int he shower yet, and brushing her hair out. Dad, seeing this, dropped down into a crouch so she wouldn't see him in the mirror. He was getting ready to grab her and scare the shit out of her, when she adjusted her towel. At the same time Dad was moving forward. Her elbow met the bridge of his nose. The elbow said "wallop", and in reply, his nose replied "crunch!". My mother had accidentally broken my father's nose.

It was fucking glorious.

In a truly wonderful reversal, we in the living room hear a muffled roar, followed by "DAMMIT, ALLAYNE!" Dad came out of their room cupping his nose, blood flowing copious and red, and Mom following him, trying to apologize and cackling at the same time. I joined her-- I also got the cackle gene-- and those of us who had been terrorized by my dad in the past (i.e, all of us) followed them into the kitchen, essentially to point and laugh at my father.

Now I personally take the more proactive approach to scare-based revenge-- my current favorite is to tell my dad I'm dropping out of college because I'm pregnant and have the father narrowed down to one of several potential fathers. He falls for it every time. I have also been known to hide in a closet and leap out with a scream-- what I'm saying is if you scare me (and it's really fucking easy, sadly), I WILL get you back.

But Mom didn't have to; payback got her revenge on my Dad for her. To add to it, Dad looked like a raccoon for several days after, and talked funny to boot. So remember this if you like to scare your significant other, to terrorize her (or him) in a variety of ways, much like my father. Just remember: payback really can be a bitch.