I Probably Should Have Just Gone to Bed.

I stayed up until 3 am this morning watching Mongolian Death Worm. Now, with a title this stupid, and the fact that it was on, of course!, SciFi (I know how they spell it; much like Prince's stupid symbol, I refuse to participate.) I should have known better. I really, really should have. But this was one of those weird movies that had a cast that was way too good for it. Sean Patrick Flannery was the lead, Daniel, and was way too charming for my getting to bed at a decent time. He also had a great, low-key chemistry with the female lead, Dr. Alicia Something, played by Victoria Pratt.

This movie is supposed to have been set in the vast Mongolian grasslands. Hilariously, everyone in this drives a vehicle; from what I've heard (and it is admittedly second hand. I'd go look it up but, well, it's Sunday and.. uh.. I don't wanna.) the Mongolian tundra is simply too big for vehicles to be viable. There's no place to refuel, a big reason for why the nomadic people in that area prefer horseback. There are also several shots, at the experimental oil drilling facility (run by the expected Evil White Guys Corp) of very lush, manicured lawns, and what appeared to be a forested area. Mongolia does have forested areas, but I'm pretty sure they're not smack in the middle of the tundra, ya know?

But my faaaaaavorite part of this movie was the BLATANT paternalism running rampant and peeing all over the conflicting landscape of Pretend Mongolia. Every single Asian person in this film that was given a name is eaten by the worms (except in one case where someone is inexplicably shot by a member of Evil White Guys Corp. Still not sure why on that one). There was one person of Asian extraction who was portrayed as competent, the local cowboy hat wearing sheriff (?) named Timur. He kicked wormy ass, and then, to punish his hubris for being a competent non-white person in a shitty horror movie, he is literally eaten in the last two minutes of the film. Yeah, fuck you too, movie. Only Whitey could save everyone!

There's also some subplot about finding and looting Ghengis Khan's tomb, but I think I was playing Pet Society on Facebook or something when they explained that. The movie ends with the Evil White Guys Corp goin' 'splode, and then dead guy gold rains down on our cackling survivors. Apparently, heated up gold coins don't hurt when they fall on you from great heights! Who knew? I'm going to cite this film in my defense when I climb a building with scrap jewelry and a slingshot. I think my chances of getting off are pretty good, honestly.

The CGI in the film was almost decent for the most part; the worms, which looked like giant maggots mashed violently with hook worms, looked pretty good, which means they looked gross and squishy. The worms also had a second mouth inside the first: yes, this movie is essentially a Tremors rip-off but with more passive racism and less Fred Ward.

Now, there is an actual rural legend in Mongolia, called the Mongolian Death Worm. I'm sure it sounds way cooler in Mongolian. The actual legend is pretty interesting, and I suggest you look it up.

In summation: I should have gone to bed.