Showing posts with label movie review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movie review. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Dark Fields, or An Interesting Failure.


Hulu.com is really proving to be an excellent site; they have episodes of television shows as well as plenty of movies to chose from, all available to view for free! I was bored a few nights ago and went trolling; Troll 2 was a miss (that is a rare horror movie that I simply can not rewatch. I've tried repeatedly, end up screaming, windows break, then BAM! My damage deposit? Gone.

So I took a gamble on a movie I'd never heard of: Dark Fields, or Farmer Brown, as is its alternate title. It was.. interesting. I have no desire to watch it again, but I'm glad I did, because it's interesting to see an experiment like this, even if it was ultimately, in my opinion, a failure. It's your basic slasher formula, nothing new there. But this was the first movie for what appears to be the whole cast and crew, and I think that inexperience was their main problem.

It's not a new story, teenagers in peril. Pretty basic. But there was one thing that this movie had that the majority of other, forgettable would-be horror movies lack, and that's the age of the principle cast. All of these kids look and act like teenagers because I think they all were teenagers. A good actor can play a teenager when older, but if you want authenticity then there is nothing like the real thing; all of these kids had that sort of rawness to them; all are physically mature but you can tell it's still "new"; hard angles to bodies and the occasional betraying roundness to faces show that these kids aren't long in adult form.

They also have that special brand of obnoxious that only teens can accomplish; the eye rolling and snorting that seemed so mature when you're that age and so fucking infuriating when you're not is perfected here. A lot of the dialogue is clunky and awkward, but the scenes where the teens are jeering at each other came across as very sincere and believable. The opening scenes are shot in an actual school and what appeared to be actual classes, that was also a very intriguing choice. I'd like to see more movies try to copy this approach. I can understand why it's not going to happen that often, but it's still cool to see actual angst-ridden brats slamming their lockers shut and twirling their locks with ease of practice. The extras were all teens, and again, more movies need to do this. No more young-looking twenty-six year olds, movie industry! NO ONE IS FOOLED! When your cast's mannerisms and body language say they're more likely to be there for their ten year than their diploma it destroys the mood juuuuuust a scooch.

The plot is, as I said, basic: five high schoolers run out of gas on their way to a concert, try to get help at a dilapidated farm, slaughter ensues. This is where the movie REALLY runs into problems; first of all if anyone was trash talking me in my own car their asses are officially walking home. The next is that the kids frequently engage in the predictably stupid behavior, the kind that no sane person is going to do. For example: after wandering through a creepy farm in search of your missing friend you simply DO NOT stick your hand in a combine and taunt the person on the other end of the room to turn it on, whether you think it's your friends or not. You just.. don't. You'd be too rattled over the locale/your missing friend/no cell service. And if you're at all like I am, you think about shit like short circuits and malice; hands are kept firmly away from spinning blades of blood-spewing death, thanks.

The next problem is the killer. He makes no sense at all; he's got a BAD case of Vorhees syndrome, but at least Jason's come back from the dead enough times to pull off the getting up after being stabbed/smacked/danced with/milked/whatever. Farmer Brown (played by Al Randall the writer, director and producer) just looks like Samara's hill-billy cousin who wears his hair in his face to hide his jacked up teeth. Why is he unkillable? Is he a ghost? If so, how did he die? Is he just a crazed weirdo, lashing out over the murder of his family when he was a child? If so, then how the fuck does he keep getting back up?! As a slasher killer goes, he's not really doing much for me. His look was pretty good, especially the wellington boots; some kind of cohesive back story would be really helpful. I know that the slasher genre as a whole is pretty incomprehensible, especially when you start to add in the various sequels, etc, but there's no need to fuck up your own story straight out of the gate.

Locale was awesome; according to the imdb.com page the creepy farm was found pretty much as is and no set dressing was done to it. If so then I hope they had the police on speed dial, because that is definitely a place that's got some hidden bodies that need to be unearthed, now. The rotting old farm house was really good, and the weird lighting that apparently comes with the property was a great touch.

The cast was pretty tolerable over all; the character of Justine, played by Lindsay Dell was frequently annoying; she screamed a lot and her scream is shrill. At first I found her totally unsympathetic, but then I remembered some of the shrill noises I made as a teenaged girl, and realized she was a bit truer to the source material than I was initially giving credit for. She was often unlikeable, but I think that added to her realism. All of these characters needed to be developed a lot more, but they at least felt like the shades of actual people instead of broad archetypes. I really liked Brian Austin, Jr, who played Zach. He was also frequently obnoxious, but again, most people had a friend like him in high school. He's also got really good comedic timing, and I could see him branching into comedy pretty easily, especially with a lot of the hamming it up he did in the blooper reel.

Taylor was our final girl character, played very competently by Jenna Scott, a very pretty girl. In researching for this though, I think I found every filthy old man who sits in his basement and touches himself to little girls; she was underaged when she played this role, but that sure didn't stop total strangers on the internet from talking about what they'd like to do to her backside. Seriously, you guys, you're freaking everyone out, please stop lusting after illegal tail! Take a shower, make a friend, get off the internet; you're creeping out the porn bots!

The other two cast members were Drew (played by Ryan Hulshaf), a kid who takes WAY more abuse than he should have, and Eric Phillion as Josh, Taylor's potential love interest. Both played their parts very well; they were alternately relatable and giant pigs, as most boys that age tend to be. Neither was just one noted, however, and that was addressed in the movie, which I liked.

On occasion the movie actually broke out of the usual tired movie cliches: at one point it looks like two characters are seriously contemplating fucking on this nasty mattress in the middle of one of the rooms. Just as I'm thinking that if you're that stupid you deserve death via pointy implement, the girl snorts, pulls her shirt down, and essentially says "Did you really think we were going to have sex here in Creepsville?" Her boyfriend gapes at her and then gets a bit pouty, a very nice touch I thought. I'd rather have a touch of humor over another wooden, completely out of place sex scene.

I wanted to post more pictures, but well, other than the dvd case I couldn't really find any. If you're curious then head over to hulu.com. Over all I don't recommend this, but I am curious to see what else this group puts out, because I think with the right idea and effort they could make something interesting.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Back From The Abyss! Oh, and Zombie Strippers.

So we have returned from the dark abyss known as the holiday season. But I got lots of swag and managed to spoil my 8 month old nephew so it was a good time.
Hopefully we haven't lost any of you peeps out there. If so, perhaps we could lure you back with cookies?
If not, how about a review of Zombie Strippers?

Will that work?
Come on all, lets ring in the new year with fake titties and gore! Who could ask for anything more?!


I honestly think I'm one of the very few women who wanted to really see this movie. Seriously. I jumped up and down on the couch, grabbed my husband's arm and yelled 'WE HAVE TO SEE THIS!!" to him when I first saw the trailer online. After that moment I was granted the title "best wife ever" which I wear with pride. Unfortunately, we couldn't find a showing of it in our city so we had to wait until DVD. And that moment was last night.

And lemme tell ya, it was one hellava ride!
Here's a taste of the movie if you have no idea what I'm talking about.



The long and short of Zombie Strippers is as follows: The government created a chemical to create super solders. But unfortunately due to a long paragraph of scientific sounding words that really make no sense, it turns people into zombies. The marines are called in to take care of things, one infected escapes, hides out in a strip club then bites Jenna Jameson on the neck during a performance. The infection both kills her and turns her into a super zombie stripper which drive the men folks wild I tells ya! WILD! But lil' Jenna unfortunately has that hunger for human flesh and it creates a bit of chaos as the weeks roll by. Before you know it, we're all sitting on the edge of Armageddon holding paintball guns and trying to guess which breasts are real and which ones were store bought.
This, my friends, was an awesome movie.

Zombie Strippers is pure fun. The cast obviously had a blast making it. The acting was porn star level but what do you expect when you have a porn star as your leading zombie? And to Miss Jameson's credit, she was fantastic. The woman cracked me up. She had no problem playing something mildly disgusting and even poked fun at herself and her porn persona. But of course, for that horror touch of class, Robert Englund elevated this movie from B to all out cult classic. I love this man. He makes what probably would have been a throw away part as the strip club's sleazy yet germophobic owner into a role that completely steals the show.

But the biggest star of this movie was not Englund or Jenna Jameson's boobs but the clown gore. OH THE GLORIOUS CLOWN GORE! There were some fantastic gags in this film. We have a head being torn in half, a peen getting bit off, Jenna Jameson staple gunning her throat back together, a zombie stripper catfight, and probably the funniest joke involving ping-pong and billiard balls ever. And these are just a few of the highlights. CGI was minimal and they relied on good old fashioned makeup and blood effects which just made this movie all the better.

The big question I'm sure is "But Cins, this movie lacks your favorite angry bitches! Wouldn't you be offended by this?" Well, being a woman zombie fan I obviously when into this film for the zombies and not the strippers. But do I have something against boobies? Nope. I have a pair myself. I love my pair. I respect my pair. And if there are women who have no issues showing their pair off on film while rubbing them against a pole, then so be it. Go with God, fair titties! The stripper characters were such cartoons that I found no offence in them at all. Not to mention the men folk were just a dim as the women folk so there was really no "Men are superior and women are only good for their titties!" vibe to it. Surprisingly enough, I found the strippers in Zombie Strippers MUCH less offensive that any of the "dancers" in the movie Showgirls. At least in Zombie Strippers it was played for laughs. Besides, if you rent a movie called Zombie Strippers you should damn well know what you're getting into. So no, I was so not offended one bit. I love crazy camp.

This movie was all kinds of win and awesome. If you like over the top gore, total camp, and complete unapologetic stupidity, put this on your Netflix now.
I do hope they create a sequel... Zombie Male Strippers. That would rule.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Stuck - A Review

I promised John from Freddy In Space I would review this movie by Friday.
And now it is Saturday night...And I'll probably hit the post button sometime around Sunday.

I'm trying to give Stac's rant as much top blog time as possible because I think I snorted a french fry out of my nose while reading it. A garlic one. And it hurt. THAT'S how fucking funny it was!
So go read that if you haven't then come back and read this.

Okay...done now?

Moving on.

So Stuck was recommended by Freddy in Space. Well not really recommended, more like "Hey I haven't watched this! Lets all watch this together! "I am prone to the bandwagon syndrome. After all, I did have mall bangs once in my life.
Oh shut up, I'm sure most of you wore parachute pants and OP shirts at one time.
So I threw it up onto the Netflix cue.



Stuck is an interesting little film. The story is a simple one. White trashy Ghetto-licious nurse in an old folks home gets trashed at a club and hits a pathetic down on his luck loser walking across the street. Instead of calling 911, she drives the car home and locks it in the garage with the guy still stuck in her windshield. Hilarity ensues.

Now one thing I have to admit, I did not feel this movie was a horror film. I'm not sure why people are classifying it in the genre either. It comes across as a quirky drama/thriller. Now I'm open to just about all genres of films (though some chick flicks really grate at me) so that wasn't much of a disappointment. But if you were expecting an over the top hardcore gorefest be forewarned, It is NOT.

The movie's pacing was nice. I like how the characters were set up. Nurse Brandi (Mena Suvari) appeared at the beginning to be a compassionate, nice, though rather class-less young woman but as the film went on her character degenerated into one spineless selfish bitch. Likewise, victim Thomas (Stephan Rea) who begins comes across as a pathetic dead beat, stops being a victim and starts to take matters into his own hands...well as best as you can with being stuck half into a car windshield. The acting was good. Stephan Rea was a stand out, never going too over the top with his performance and keeping Thomas grounded as a real guy. Mena Suvari did a good job as well. She handled the transformation from sweet thing to scheming bitch very smoothly making it all feel natural. Of course the scene stealer was Russel Hornsby as Rashid, Brandi's manipulative cheating, E Dealing, douche boyfriend. He kept the levity in the movie despite the heavy subject matter and I really enjoyed watching his character sleaze his way across the screen.

The gore itself was neither clown gore nor was it over the top torture porn. It tended to fall into that category of "real life" gore which I particularly do not like. Yet there were some moments of over the top violence. Someone does get a pen to the eye and there is a cat fight that involved a frying pan to the head that was just slapstick funny. Much to my surprise, for a movie about a guy getting hit by a car, the gore was rather minimal.

The weakest point of this movie was the direction. It just couldn't make up its mind on what it wanted to be. Drama? Horror? Thriller? Dark Comedy? Social Commentary? It wanted to be all these things but never really put a firm foot into any of them for me to even consider putting it into those categories. I don't mind mixing my genres but make a decision and go with gusto! This unfortunately would drag the movie down as it tried to make up its mind on where it wanted to go. Luckily the performances and interesting subject matter kept me watching to the end. I'm glad too because the final showdown between Brandi and Thomas was funny and really intense. It was a great climax. A little lack luster of an ending, but a great climax.

My overall impression? It was entertaining. It was not what I would consider horror and the movie itself felt muddled. But it did have moments of entertainment and the third act is worth wading through the patchy first and second act of the movie. I wouldn't own it on DVD but it was worth the rental price.
If you're looking for a good quirky drama movie, this is a good one to watch. If you rather spend your money on some good quirky horror, rent ReAnimator instead.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The WiIlies: Stac Does a Movie Review, and it's NOT about Penii.



I love Halloween. From Halloween until Christmas is my favorite time of the the year; I just love sliding from spooky to fuck I ate too much to oh you shouldn't have fuck I ate too much again. Then I generally cap the year off by getting drunk and making a LOT of noise come midnight on the 31st. (Be glad you're not my neighbor; bells and pots and wooden spoons are involved.) Halloween signals the beginning of the season that houses one of my greatest vices: cheap, horrible movies. Cue today's entry from one of the girliest horror fans out there.

The Willies came out in 1991, and was directed and written by Brian Peck. It was the only movie he directed but he's acted in stuff! Oh my yes! He was Scuzz in Return of the Living Dead, for starters. As a result, there are several cast members from both Return and it's first sequel. Sorry boys, no Linnea Quigley butt or Barbie appliance for you.

I got this bad boy for 5$ at the local Fred Meyer's (it's in the Krogers family for those of you on the east coast); in fact, it might even have been a two for 5$ sale, now that I think on it. I can't recall what I got with it, but I'll dig through my DVD mountain soon enough and remember. And then probably review it for this site.

I'm going to warn you: I will spoil the hell out of this movie. So if this is one you've just been DYYYYING to see, I suggest you get busy doing that before you read on. So fair warned ye be!

This was a weird movie, but I was really surprised by how much I enjoyed it. It almost seems like it was a kids movie originally; it's like kiddie Creep Show, basically. For all that it's surprisingly gory; it feels more like it should have come out in the mid to late '80's instead of the early '90's, if that makes any sense. If it doesn't, well.. I don't really care.

We start with three kids, in the dark trying to light their lantern for an adventurous night of backyard camping. The cousins are Mike, Josh, and I think Jake. It doesn't really matter however, as they serve more as narration. They're the bookends to the tales they tell, trying to wig each other out with "true" stories. Hilariously, the older cousin is played (and very well, I might add) by Sean Astin. I was so in love with him in Goonies. I wanted to marry Mikey, and live in his plastic bubble with him! I was even excited when I was diagnosed, about a year later, with asthma. Because I was like Mikey! Then I tried to run, started gasping like an oxygenated fish, and threw up, and then I didn't want to be like Mikey anymore.

We start with the classic urban legend: the ol' Kentucky fried rat story (here it's the "Tennessee Fricassee" chain) . In this version a caricature of a fat woman sits down to eat a whole eighteen piece bucket, and guess the first piece she digs into! I have to give this actress props; she really bites into this thing, and this horrible, clear strand pulls from the rat into her mouth. I'm sure it was latex or something equally toxic, but it reminded me of the nasty tendons you get sometimes when you eat chicken. And that is far nastier in my cookbook, thank you very much.

She freaks, spits it out, we cut back to the boys in the tent. Two things caught my attention here: first, Mike (Sean Astin) says she got an extra crispy recipe rat. That rat was clearly original if it was anything. Second is the best euphemism for yakking that I have ever heard: "The urge to regurge". I am so getting that on a bumper sticker. The sheer WTF? value alone will be astronomical.

Our next story take place in California, at Wacky Land, on the Haunted Estates ride. I'm sure you can make the connection, yes? The urban legend here is the claim that originally the ride was so scary that an old man died of fright on it, they closed the ride, and had to dumb it down lest any other ticket holders kack it in one of the Doom Buggies.

The best part about this, for me, is that I know the Haunted Mansion ride so well I could spot all the parodies. I know the ride-through and Grim Grinning Ghosts by heart; I know I drive Cins nuts because I always have to go on that ride at least twice when we're at the park together. The "Ghost Host" was present, as well as the Doom Buggies (aka "omnimovers"). However, the Haunted Mansion has no live action zombies, nary a Jack the Ripper cutting a tart's throat (which sprayed green blood, weirdly. Perhaps she was a Vulcan tart? My dad will be so proud of me for making that joke. Because he's a NERD.) The hitchhiking ghosts that follow you home from the Haunted Mansion are also far more benign, even Ezra, who is the tall, skinny, grinning one. Here we have hitchers such as "Farmer Hackit, ready to whack it". That's an axe murder joke, not a masturbation reference.

After that entertaining bit is the urban legend I hate the most: the damn poodle in the microwave. I'll admit, I looked away and played with one of my Barbie dolls until the poodle exploded. The explosion bit was actually pretty funny, and apparently this dog was made almost exclusively of pus, since that's what spooged all over Pookums' owner.

Then we get into the first of the two main stories: what happened to Danny Hollister at school one day. But before this story starts there's a great bit; Mike is telling the story (for the final time I will remind you that he's played by Sean Astin), and when he informs his cousins that he's got a great story the older cousin replies "This isn't about the time you and your friends found a pirate ship in a cave, again, is it?" I am a geek. I laughed. Hard.

Danny has bully troubles in the form of a little dickhead named Rudie. Personally, I think the fact that his name was flipping Rudie has a lot to do with his disposition. Rudie and his two goons like to torment poor nerdy Danny; all of them appear to be in about fourth grade.

Danny is released from his fire hose penthouse by the kindly janitor, Mr. Jenkins, played by the awesome James Karen. You might remember him from Return of the Living Dead as well; he played Frank, the older of the duo that learns the hard way the a face full of Trioxin is hell on your.. you. The kindly janitor assures little Danny that someday both Rudie and Miss Titmarsh, Danny's vicious teacher, will probably get what's coming to them. That comeuppance occurs about ten minutes later.

Danny is allowed to go to the bathroom only by classroom vote, and while in there he notices that the janitor's cart is in there, sans janitor. He also notices a large monster in the handicapped stall. The monster is great; a very obvious puppet, which I love. A practical effect always gets a smiley face from me, even if this movie in no way, shape, or form had the budget to afford even the crappiest of CGI effects, not in 1991.

Danny runs back to his classroom, and promptly pisses his pants. His teacher, ever prepared to be a castrating hag, tells him he's disgusting, and makes him go back to bathroom to clean up. He complies, instead of heading for the hills and perhaps deciding that a life of solitude in a cave is best for him. He finds the janitor's body and head, separate of one another, and assumes the monster has killed the janitor. We the audience know that the head is the mask! THE JANITOR IS THE MONSTER! Hope I didn't ruin a seventeen year old movie for ya.

The janitor spares Danny, who is a good boy, and instead eats Miss Titmarsh, who I'm pretty sure I had for English in seventh grade, as well as Rudie, and Rudie's two toadies. One of the toadies is played by Jeremy Miller, who was Ben Seaver on Growing Pains; this becomes pertinent in the second segment.

Danny has had enough, and walks away from the school (after trapping the bullies in the bathroom), shaking his head. The poor kid's had a rough day. An asshole and his two boot lickers shredded his drawing and then strung him up with a firehouse, he peed his pants, and now he's an accessory to murder. I think he needs a glass of Qwik and some Ninja Turtle time. Clu Gulugar pops up here in a cameo as the principle, surveying the ruin of what was once the boys bathroom. And a teacher. And some kids. It was aces.

We then learn, from Mike, that Mr. Jenkins, the janitor, was never caught, and he moves from school to school, killing rotten kids. I would have LOVED Mr. Jenkins when I was in elementary school. But it's cool; I'm sure that all of my tormentors are either crack whores or their pimps now. Life is good.

Our next segment is told by the cousins to Mike, about one Gordy Belcher, which might just be the coolest damn name ever. Gordy is played by Micheal Bower, also known as Donkey Lips on Salute Your Shorts, a show I wasted faaar too many of my teen years watching.

Gordy is a strange boy; he's antagonistic and sullen, and appears to be feuding with old Farmer Spivy, who is constantly running Gordy off of his property. Gordy steals the farmer's secret, special manure to attract and catch flies, which he then torments horribly. This is the part that I found off-putting. Don't get me wrong; I hate flies and squish the little fuckers with glee. But the wings were clearly being torn off of living flies for the sake of this movie, and I think that's more than a bit much. Either kill 'em outright, or leave 'em the hell alone. I don't know how they didn't get grief from the Humane Society over this, but I did notice that the usual "no animals were harmed" schpiel was absent from the closing credits.

Gordy then gasses his little captives, using nail polish remover, and glues them into bizarre dioramas, all whilst sitting, alone, in his basement. I see a burgeoning serial killer on the horizon, folks.

I have no idea if you're supposed to identify with Gordy's isolation or not; all I noticed is that he's effing weird. He puts fly wings in the raisin container in the kitchen, pretends to wash his hands after handling flies AND harsh chemicals, and even bakes dead flies into cookies that he gets his classmate to eat! The hell?! Who does this?! My personal revenge schemes tend to be more direct, I guess. Punch 'em and you're done.

Gordy then has a nice little trip out that night, having a nightmare about farmer Spivy and the flies ganging up on him. This featured a really grotty scene with maggots in his inhaler. That one hit a little close to home. It also had a bizarre bit with Mike and Carol Seaver, again from Growing Pains, and played by Kirk Cameron and Tracy Gold. I assumed initially it was just a clip from an actual episode, but then it's revealed that Mike Seaver is squishing flies.. FOR GORDY BELCHER!

This culminates with farmer Spivy deciding to make amends, and giving Gordy a "special" batch of his secret manure. What is so secret about poop I have no idea, but I'm not a farmer, so there you go. Gordy gets home in time to get grounded by his mom for the cookie stunt, and he is horrified to discover that she has thrown out all of his fly.. art. But she missed a strip of fly paper, and he dumps them in the special manure, and goes to bed.

He wakes to flies SO HUGE that they appear to be short people in silly costumes! THE HORROR! Gordy's parents, which consist of his dishrag of a mother and dickhead of a father, hear a crash and rush upstairs to find their son, sans arms. The flies are each holding one of his severed arms, a tribute to all of the flies whose wings Gordy has torn off. The fact that we could clearly see the actor's arms tucking into his jammie top is NOT IMPORTANT.

We end the scene with a later shot of Gordy, who miraculously survived both blood loss and shock. He is now laying out on a hammock in the yard, with two prosthetic arms that terminate in hooks. He swats uncomfortably at a fly on his face, end scene. How they managed to resist a bout of "and the bloody hook was on the door" is beyond me. I also have no idea how farmer Spivy knew about Gordy's fly lust, or how he and the flies cooked up this plot, but who cares! Fly people! FLY PEOPLE!

The movie then closes out on the cousins each casting doubts on the other's story, and Mike's father comes out to check on the boys. It is then revealed that Uncle Frank is...

MR. JENKINS! THE JANITOR! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Credits.

This movie was actually a lot of fun; it held my attention, which was more than I expected. The acting from Sean Astin and James Karen was great, and the stories are suitably weird and funny. I'd give it a recommend, personally. It's also hilariously low budget; watch for the "fireflies" that are clearly Christmas lights in a jar. I love stuff like that.

I also have to really commend the sets; actual schools were used, and in the case of the first story, I was feeling some serious nostalgia. Borax hand soap in the dispensers that you pushed the long metal tab up into, old desks with the seats attached and the desktop flipping up to store books, etc. Ahh.. I really hated elementary school.

It's a silly, fun movie, and don't let the fact that Sean Astin looks like a pedo in the cover art (as seen above) dissuade you.

Also, the tent flap the monster is pulling open in that picture? Totally looks like a labia to me.