Bad Acting!

So its apparently Monsoon season here on the west coast. And do you know what I like to do on cold stormy days? I like to surf youtube and watch horrifically bad scenes from horror films.

Yes, whenever I am down or things feel gloomy,shitty acting always brightens my day....not that the gloomy weather is depressing me. I actually love it. I'm just looking for an excuse to watch some schlock.

AND I'm going to share it with you! WOOO!

Here are some of my favorite bad scenes from crappy horror films:

Silent Night Deadly Night 2 -Garbage Day!

We all know this one...It never ceases to baffle the hell out of me.

Troll 2 - OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

Someone needs to give this kid an Oscar. Not only for his fine line delivery but also for how he doesn't even seem to realize there's a GIANT FLY on his forehead. That's real folks....Real.

Shark Attack 3 - I'm really wired..

Seriously...this WORKED? His cock must be huge.

The Wicker Man - Bear Suit Boxing.
Just...watch...seriously...This is pure awesome.

Grotesque - ACTING!!

I have no idea if this movie was a horror film. I assumed so because of the title and it has Linda Blair in it. Regardless, this clip has some of the best...and I mean THE BEST scenery chewing I have ever scene. You can see the veins popping out on the lead thug's neck. He looks like one of those squeezy stress toys every time he speaks. BEAUTIFUL!

And there it is...ENJOY!

Was there an alternative title for this?

Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2....Freddy's House Angry Penetration.

Seriously have you SEEN THIS MOVIE?! Some people were saying that you only see the gay metaphors when you're really looking for them. Perhaps I am looking really hard for them.
But when a gym teacher is pelted with countless amounts of balls as his naked supple butt cheeks are whipped with a wet towel by Mr Kruger before his body is penetrated by his claws, I start a wonderin'. This is after they pointlessly film the gym teacher's visit to a leather bar. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT?!?!
They weren't even GOOD metaphors! What are they trying to say? "Hey, pal, if you come out of the closet, you'll become Freddy Kruger" WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL, MAN!
I have so many questions!
Why did the bird explode?!
Why does Freddy hate anything from Ikea?!
Why does our leading woman look like Meryl Streep?!
Why did our leading man have a box in his closet that was marked PROBE?!
Did I finally find a movie that pissed me off more than Jeepers Creepers and Exorcist: The Begining?!
WHY WHY WHY!
POR QUE!!!

....I'm okay.
Thanks Stac.
I'm so getting you back for this.

The Convergence has begun!

Well..it began about two days ago but STILL!

And the horror began. Right in our living room! We found a great DVD on Netflix instant cue called Cheesy Horror Movie Trailers. Its about an hour long and its nothing but trailers from the 50's up to the 80's. Now it does contain some classic movies such as the original Friday the 13th (I will admit, that trailer is kinda shitty), Blacula, and The Fearless Vampire Killers but the majority of the trailers are really REALLY God awful and insanely laughable. And you don't even have to sit through the whole movie! Just the hilarious parts!

Stac and I made a list of ones we want..nay... NEED to see:

• Dr Jekyll and Sister Hyde
• Berserk -staring MS JOAN CRAWFORD! In some sort of circus setting.
• Werewolf Vs The Vampire Woman...where humping someone into submission IS a valid form of self defense.
• Abby -the Blaxplotation version of The Exorcist..nuff said.
• Sugar Hill -Blaxplotation zombie movie with some of the best looking Afros EVAR.
• The Sinful Dwarf...I kid you not. The movie is named The Sinful Dwarf. I repeat....The Sinful DWARF.... I NEED to see a movie called The Sinful Dwarf!! This is my purpose in life, damnit!

Hopefully Stac will Edit this entry to add the ones I'm missing. But those are the ones that stand out in my mind. This is mostly due to the soda I laughed out through my nose while watching them.
Anyways, The Convergence Begins! We will update from time to time with nonsense during the week. Until then, CHEERS!

Edit by Stac: You forgot EQUINOX!, the movie about nothing and everything, apparently, and TERROR! Starring Herve Villachaize as the tiny VooDoo monster, or whatever he was supposed to be. And yes, you DO need to see The Abominable Dr. Phibes, woman!

Chalk up another one for a drunken horror movie night!

I'm currently watching this gem.



Mustang Sally's Horror House.

Or...whore-er house. Less horror more porn-er.
Its kinda a Hostel meets Debbie Does Dallas. Since I'm currently watching it on Chiller its lacking the nuances such as nipples and the F Bomb.

The hubby and I are currently watching this sucker and we really cannot stop laughing. Its not Zombie Strippers by any stretch but I really would love to watch this sucker with some really snarky gal pals after a bottle of wine.

I would also like to point out this movie has the best hooker names EVER. Tushalene, LikiLick (shes the Asian one), Caressa, Titi-ana (don't you call her titty!), Persuasion, and the not quite creative but you see where this is going name, Kitty.

Check it out for a good Stupid horror film with big jugs!

Check out the trailer:

Thou Hast FORSAKEN me!!!

I have FearNet on demand. This is both a blessing and a curse. The blessings are I can catch up on some horror films I haven't seen yet or watch some of my old time favorites that I don't own on DVD. Unfortunately the curse comes when I decide to randomly pick a film just based on the title. Its like playing Russian Roulette with your remote control. But I was still sick yesterday and feelin' frisky so I decided to pick a movie at random and see what would happen.
The curse struck again.
I picked out this dandy of a film called The Forsaken, or as like like to call it Vampire Hunter Douche. Every male in this film is a douche and every woman in this movie is a blathering idiot, a psycho hose beast, or both. The movie follows a young man (douche #1) who decides to road trip across country to get to his sister's wedding. In the process he meets a vampire hunter (douche #2) who gets him wrapped up in some strange vampire hunting antics involving a blond catatonic and the most obnoxious vampire leader ever (douche #3). There's also some sort of subplot about Douche #1 driving a loaner car across country to some rich woman. And that's....pretty much it.

The movie feels like it was trying to be a John Carpenter's Vampires for the "bro" set. It's wants to be a rough and tumble macho movie. But what it lacks are charismatic characters (and actors) and the hard core brutality that Vampires has. This turns it into a movie about two douche bags chasing another douche bag and slapping a dumb blond around for no apparent reason. Am I using the word douche too much? Probably. But I can't think of any other term that could describe the characters in this movie better other than possibly fucktard. You just don't care about them. You care more about the state of their loner car than you do them. Though most fight sequences I thought "Oh! That bullet will damage the paint! Oooh! The bumper fell off! Oh No!" while one of our heroes was shot, bitten, or beaten to a pulp.

Also, their vampire mythology is all over the damn place. I'm a women who likes it when mythologies are played with. It always presents a fresh take on an old concept weather its zombies, vampires, or werewolves. But I do believe you should attempt to make the new mythology make sense and be consistent. At the beginning of the movie, its established that vampirism is passed on through some form of infection that you get when bitten. You can also take a form of drug that will delay the turning into a vampire. Okay, I can get into that. You have to kill the vampire that turned you, before you turn to go back to being human. Okay, I can get that too though it sounds weird when it comes to fighting an infection. Vampires were founded by a bunch of french knights that sold their soul to the devil, then divided up and started biting people....okay wait...wasn't it supposed to be a medical condition not a mystical one? Right about this time, most of the medical info from the start of the movie was forgotten and dropped. I suppose both medical and mystical can go together if you take the effort to WRITE about it. But it just seemed dropped after the french knight explanation. No mention of any other magical properties of the drugs either. It just didn't mesh. Come on writers, either make and effort to combine the two or PICK ONE!

Now usually when a movie has gaping plot holes, at least we can rely on the idea of the vampires being cool right?....Right? Yeah, not so much. These were the most annoying group of blodsuckers EVER. Even Anne Rice's vampires couldn't hold a candle to these obnoxious, annoying, wannabe bad boys. Here's what they do. They Eat. They Fuck. THAT'S IT. They don't even do either very interestingly. Most of the feeding frenzy scenes are cut away or filmed so erratically that you can't really see much happening. And the sex scenes are the same.Also, our head vampire chews the scenery so much you really can't tell if he's overacting or if he has some form of brain damage. And his girlfriend bugged me. I know they were trying to make her a femme fatal. I know she was trying to be sexy. But her sexy consisted of looking vacant, cocking her hips, and having the vague air of syphilis about her. Oh, and for those keeping count, you do not see her boobs.

Okay, I can go on and on about how insanely dumb this movie is but I should stop now. One good thing is it didn't make me enraged like Jeepers Creepers did. Probably because I had no expectations going into this film. Also, I do believe this would be a hilarious film to watch while completely drunk, though it lacks the complete ridiculousness of Nick Cage's Wickerman.
Overall? Unless you want a mediocre drunk film, or have a douche fetish. Skip this one.

Sci-Fi Tried to Put It in My Butt.

Triple failure, Sci-Fi Channel. You hear me? TRIPLE FAILURE!

I wasted my Sunday night watching "horror" movies on Sci-Fi, two of them from 2008's 8 Films to Die For Film Festival. As a result I want a time machine so I can have my day back, and a fucking apology.

I watched Lake Dead, Crazy Eights, and The Dark, and I was BETRAYED by all damn three! This REALLY pisses me off because I have notoriously low standards. I mean, rock bottom. I regard the 5$ Bin O' Crap at Halloween to be the source of untapped wonders. I will watch movies like Phantom of the Mall: Erik's Revenge. Over and over. So when you can unleash a stinker that makes even the likes of me recoil from the stank ass waft of your cinematic evil, then RETHINK YOUR FUCKING PROCESS.

Lake Evil: Incest, and lots of it! As a result you get two huge, lumbering inbreds who just really wanna put it in their unknowing blond niece-cousins.

Crazy Eights: really cheesed me off, because it had me until the end, when it existentialled itself to death, credits role. In this one's defense, I might need to watch it again since I got the impression that Sci-Fi made some weird cuts. I'll NetFlix it, but if you cross me again, movie, then I WILL MAKE YOU PAY! It's set in a creepy abandoned hospital/sanitarium setting, which I LOVE, so I'm disappointed as well as sulky.

Third was The Dark, which looked so good initially; it stars Sean "Dear God he's Delicious" Bean and Maria Bello, both actors that I like. It's set in Wales, people speak some Welsh, pretty cool so far! Creepy, sad setting which leads to a creepy, sad event that leads to.. a befuddling, bullshit ending. That of course tried to do a "twist". ANGER.. RISING..!

After it was all said and done and I was grumping off to brush my teeth, the incest story was the best of the lot.

SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE?!