Jane Austin Does Dead Folk

Rawr rawr rawr! Rawr. *munch munch* Rawr.

I finished Pride and Prejudice and Zombies some time ago, and decided, compliments of an irritating person I know, to post my review here. This is a person who routinely proves herself a moron; she read part of this book and panned it, and since she irritates the FUCK out of me I decided to post my opinions of the story. I feel slightly more qualified to do so since A. I like zombies, B. I love Jane Austin, and C. I actually read the entire fucking book.

First off, I enjoy Jane Austin; I read the original version of this tale of my own volition several years ago. This is still that book, but with some scenes changed and some new ones added. Mostly of people "politely vomiting into their hands" and brain chomping.

It was fucking aces.

We are here to dance and to whup ass. And our dance cards have all been filled!

This is still a comedy of manners, as is the original story; if you hate Jane Austin you will not like this book. I personally find the hair-pullingly stringent rules for manners hilarious in conjunction with dealing with the undead; it's impolite to show ankle, but what about when you're beheading the flesh-chomping menace at a country assembly? Enter the Bennet sisters, ass-kickers extraordinaire and sisters in need of rich husbands.

There is still the love story between Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy (I know, isn't that an awesomely horrible first name? No wonder he went by Mr. the whole story.) with some hilarious changes. Mr. Darcy actually proposes to Elizabeth Bennet twice; she refuses him the first time because he basically says "Hey, I know your family is awful and horrible, but despite the fact that I'm a better person that all of you, let's get hitched!" Not surprisingly Miss Bennet tells Fitz where to put it. However, in this version she says no by roundhouse kicking him into the fire place mantel, chipping the marble as well as Mr. Darcy's skull. It was AWESOME. It's even funnier when I picture the cast from the 1995 BBC miniseries; Jennifer Ehle kicking the crap out of Colin Firth will make me laugh, every time!

Another hilarious bit is a take on the novel's classic battle of wills between Elizabeth and Lady Catherine de Burgh; this time there are ninjas involved. And the eating of a heart, but not by a zombie. I enjoyed both equally!

True love and ass-kicking: all any woman wants in life.

Eventually Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy find happiness and are united; the more despicable characters in the book definitely get theirs, which is EXCELLENT as they escape mostly unscathed in the original. Mr. Wickham, your basic pig, runs off with Lydia, Elizabeth's sister, in both versions. In this version however, he is caught by Mr. Darcy, forced to marry Lydia, and then has every bone in his body broken, rendering him a bed-ridden invalid for the rest of his life. As he's a prick I was very happy to see him get his comeuppance. Incidentally, in the picture above the zombies are attacking cauliflower; they think they are brains, and it easy to use the veggie as bait. But you have to admit, those moldering relics from hell look cute as the dickens eating those starch loads!

Over all, I loved this book. It's funny, still has the romance of the original, and is illustrated, as I have demonstrated above. For me, Regency England mixed with martial arts and the walking dead is an irresistible combination; it's so silly it borders on DaDaism, and God above knows that I am a walking receptacle of the silly.

Yes, before you ask, I AM going to read Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters when it comes out.

Was there an alternative title for this?

Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2....Freddy's House Angry Penetration.

Seriously have you SEEN THIS MOVIE?! Some people were saying that you only see the gay metaphors when you're really looking for them. Perhaps I am looking really hard for them.
But when a gym teacher is pelted with countless amounts of balls as his naked supple butt cheeks are whipped with a wet towel by Mr Kruger before his body is penetrated by his claws, I start a wonderin'. This is after they pointlessly film the gym teacher's visit to a leather bar. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT?!?!
They weren't even GOOD metaphors! What are they trying to say? "Hey, pal, if you come out of the closet, you'll become Freddy Kruger" WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL, MAN!
I have so many questions!
Why did the bird explode?!
Why does Freddy hate anything from Ikea?!
Why does our leading woman look like Meryl Streep?!
Why did our leading man have a box in his closet that was marked PROBE?!
Did I finally find a movie that pissed me off more than Jeepers Creepers and Exorcist: The Begining?!
WHY WHY WHY!
POR QUE!!!

....I'm okay.
Thanks Stac.
I'm so getting you back for this.

Sci-Fi Tried to Put It in My Butt.

Triple failure, Sci-Fi Channel. You hear me? TRIPLE FAILURE!

I wasted my Sunday night watching "horror" movies on Sci-Fi, two of them from 2008's 8 Films to Die For Film Festival. As a result I want a time machine so I can have my day back, and a fucking apology.

I watched Lake Dead, Crazy Eights, and The Dark, and I was BETRAYED by all damn three! This REALLY pisses me off because I have notoriously low standards. I mean, rock bottom. I regard the 5$ Bin O' Crap at Halloween to be the source of untapped wonders. I will watch movies like Phantom of the Mall: Erik's Revenge. Over and over. So when you can unleash a stinker that makes even the likes of me recoil from the stank ass waft of your cinematic evil, then RETHINK YOUR FUCKING PROCESS.

Lake Evil: Incest, and lots of it! As a result you get two huge, lumbering inbreds who just really wanna put it in their unknowing blond niece-cousins.

Crazy Eights: really cheesed me off, because it had me until the end, when it existentialled itself to death, credits role. In this one's defense, I might need to watch it again since I got the impression that Sci-Fi made some weird cuts. I'll NetFlix it, but if you cross me again, movie, then I WILL MAKE YOU PAY! It's set in a creepy abandoned hospital/sanitarium setting, which I LOVE, so I'm disappointed as well as sulky.

Third was The Dark, which looked so good initially; it stars Sean "Dear God he's Delicious" Bean and Maria Bello, both actors that I like. It's set in Wales, people speak some Welsh, pretty cool so far! Creepy, sad setting which leads to a creepy, sad event that leads to.. a befuddling, bullshit ending. That of course tried to do a "twist". ANGER.. RISING..!

After it was all said and done and I was grumping off to brush my teeth, the incest story was the best of the lot.

SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE?!