The Good, The Bad, and the Exorcist

I love The Exorcist.
Yeah, I guess that means you can call me old school but I love that movie. Its definitely in my top ten horror films of all time. Its one of those films that I can pop into the PS3 at any time...which has proven a little annoying to the hubby since now I know this movie by heart. I know a lot of younger horror fans really don't see what the big deal is with The Exorcist. And looking at it by today standards, it can be considered pretty tame. But as a person who was born in the 70's and as a Catholic (Well, Catholic Lite. Not quite Catholic enough.) this movie still gives me the heebies even after the 200th viewing.
Unfortunately AND fortunately The Exorcist spawned two sequels and two prequels. I consider The Exorcist to be one of those magical movies. It was a film that had all the right elements. Great acting, great screenplay, great source material, and a fearless director is what put this movie in a special breed of horror that is reserved for films like The Shining and Let the Right One In. So trying to duplicate it is pretty close to impossible. Do I think any of the movies equal the original? Not really, no. But I have to say two out of the four are pretty darn good. Yeah...I was as surprised as you are.

Lets Start with The Bad...

Exorcist II: The Heretic
Well, this movie works for a good drunken horror film night for sure. The movie is generally about Linda Blair's Regan having grown up and SURPRISE! The demon decides to come back and fuck with her again. It has some unintentionally hilarious moments such as Linda Blair trying to be sexily demon possessed, that very bizarre hypno mirror light machine do-hicky, and Richard Burton saying Pazuzu so much that it should be made into a drinking game. I love camp and bad horror films but since I have such a love for the original, well, it just doesn't do it for me. Exorcist II: The Heretic is a product of the studio machine. You can just picture the meeting for this movie:
"We'll do a sequel! But we'll make it SEXY!"
"Yeah! Sexy!"
"Yeah! Linda can sex it all up! And we'll put some more action in it. The Exorcist needs some more action. How about Locusts!?"
"Oh! And the Demon should have a name! I mean we should make it a character and all! Get into its skin! Market some dolls to the kids!"
"I got a great name! Pazuzu!"
"Perfect! Kids will LOVE it!"

I will admit, the locust scene is pretty fun to watch, but the whole movie leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I would say more about it but...well...there really isn't a whole lot to say. Most of it is ridiculous and what isn't is so unmemorable that I can barely write about it. I don't hate it but I really don't love it either. But one thing it did give us; that great Futurama episode were Dr. Farnsworth howled "PAZUUUUZUUUUU!" to call back his beloved pet demon.
I may revisit this movie after a pint of rum.

Exorcist: The Beginning
This movie makes me angry...violently angry. We're talking Jeepers Creepers rage here. I remember planning to catch it in the theaters. Luckily, my brother in law (who is also an Exorcist fan) stopped me. And I'm so glad he did. I ended up renting it for a buck from Blockbuster months later out of curiosity. I believe they found me on top of a clock tower with a cross bow and several hostages after the viewing. Stac managed to talk me down via cell phone with promises of rainbow bunnies and chocolate covered hugs. I don't want to think about the aftermath if I had seen it in the theater.
The movie is suppose to cover Father Merrin's younger years when he performed his first exorcism on a young boy in Africa. Or so that's what the original Exorcist said happened. In this movie there really isn't a little boy and Father Merrin is a priest in the same way you can call Paris Hilton a good role model for the kiddies.
A little background on the prequel of the Exorcist. This movie was in development Hell. It went through several directors and writers before it was finally written by William Wishing and directed by Paul Schrader. But during a studio viewing the powers that be apparently though that it needed more sex and violence (see above discussion in Exorcist II) and tossed him off the project. In comes Renny Harlin who has done such prestigious films like Cliffhanger, Deep Blue Sea, and The Adventures of Ford Fairlane to direct. Because if one thing the Exorcist is known for, its its thrilling action sequences, sharks, and Andrew Dice Clay.
Now the new screenwriter, Alexi Hawley apparently likes to write by braille because I seriously doubt he even saw the original Exorcist at all. The continuity with the original film is non existent, the characters are completely off mark, and the story makes no sense what so ever. You can practically see poor Stellan Skarsgard as Father Merrin rolling his eyes with every line delivery. Combine all that with an unnecessary opening shot of a bunch of CGI guys crucified upside down and the need to make Father Merrin Indiana Jones, complete with putting on a Fedora and walking off into the sunset and this is the perfect movie to induce rage in me.
If anyone ever happens to run into any studio execs who worked on this film, please hit them....with a cast iron skillet...then feed them to rabid monkeys...then laugh at them.

NOW on to the good...

Exorcist III: Legion
You may all pick your jaws off the floor now. Seriously, this movie was actually GOOD. Exorcist III: Legion is much more on par with the original, not only with its tone, but with its storyline as well. The movie picks up years after the original film and follows Kinderman running into Father Karris's body possessed by something nasty. That nasty is brilliantly portrayed by one of my all time favorite creepy men, Brad Dourif. The demon popped itself back in Karris's body and brought it back to life just because it enjoyed the irony....that's pretty fucked up.
The movie is a lot like the original with its build up being very character driven. A good deal of the movie is spent between Kinderman (now played by George C. Scott) and the Gemini Killer Demon (Dourif) talking...or actually Dourif talking and Scott looking genuinely freaked out. That is interspersed with crazy old people, freaky dream sequences, and a little old lady crawling on the ceiling. The movie is directed by William Peter Blatty, the writer of The Exorcist novel. I believe this was his first film. And while it does suffer from first time director clumsiness in places, the movie itself is extremely well done. I'd say the weakest part is the ending exorcism scene. The original scrip did not end with an exorcism. But the studio felt that if you're going to name a film Exorcist III, you better damn well have an exorcism in there! Though its not a bad scene, it does feel a bit tacked on. But a priest getting his skin ripped off and George C. Scott giving a great speech about how he now believes in evil keeps it entertaining.
I'd have to say the best part of the movie is what is called "The white sheet scene". I believe this scene was featured in Bravo's Even Scarier Movie Moments. What is so masterful about that scene isn't the scare but the build up. The long lingering shot, the silence of the room, the mundane activities that seem to go on and on and yet you're positive something is going to happen. So positive that you start grinding your teeth while waiting.
It's not as brilliant as the original but it is a well crafted film worth watching.


Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist.
I must not have been the only one on a clock tower after watching Exorcist: The Beginning. Because shortly after it was released on DVD, Dominion was released. Dominion is the original prequel directed by Paul Schrader before the studio infected it with their film herpes. Schrader actually shot and cut the complete film together before the studio decided to scrap it. And its a much more in depth, exciting, and meaningful ride than the original prequel ever was.
Once again, we follow the beginning years of Father Merrin but unlike Exorcist: The Beginning, Father Merrin is in character. He is still a priest, but struggling with his faith after a horrible tragedy that he took part in when the Nazi's invaded his town in Europe. The movie feels more like a World War II drama with supernatural elements more than a horror film. But then, to make an Exorcist film you need to have a drama at heart to build the horror off of. I never realized what a butcher job the original prequel was until I saw Dominion. There were some great stories, subplots, and wonderful acting cut from the film. Some of the great characters that were lost include Father Francis a young optimistic priest who is the antithesis of Father Karris in the original movie, CheChe the possessed boy in question, and Sargent Major a hard British Sargent who starts to go off the deep end. You also get to see Stellan Skarsgard's wonderful performance as Father Merrin which was lost in the re cut prequel. The whole film is extremely tense. There is tension between the African natives and the Christian missionaries, tension between the local tribes and the British soldiers, tension between the locals and the outcast CheChe, as well as tension between Father Merrin and his slipping faith in his religion. This in turn effects the viewer and you feel completely wound up as you watch the movie. It can be slow moving at times but it never gets boring. The films major short comings are a really bad score which sounds like it was recorded on a Casio keyboard, and its God awful CGI. But I chalk both up to the fact that the film was never 100% completed and both those elements were slapped on for the DVD release. I can overlook that but for those who cannot stand bad CGI, beware.
Once again, its not as good as the original and actually I don't think its as good as Exorcist III. But its a movie that does justice to the character of Father Merrin and its worth the watch.

Yeah, I got a bit long winded there. Thanks for sticking around this far! But The Exorcist is one of those films I feel pretty passionate about. Hopefully you'll give Dominion and Exorcist III a chance if you haven't before. They are definitely worth a peek. And even Exorcist II would be worth a watch after excessive alcohol and a bunch of friends.
But I still stand by my conviction of feeding the execs for Exorcist: the Beginning to rabid monkeys.
Outbreak spider monkeys.
Seriously.
I live by a zoo.
I can do this.

Thou Hast FORSAKEN me!!!

I have FearNet on demand. This is both a blessing and a curse. The blessings are I can catch up on some horror films I haven't seen yet or watch some of my old time favorites that I don't own on DVD. Unfortunately the curse comes when I decide to randomly pick a film just based on the title. Its like playing Russian Roulette with your remote control. But I was still sick yesterday and feelin' frisky so I decided to pick a movie at random and see what would happen.
The curse struck again.
I picked out this dandy of a film called The Forsaken, or as like like to call it Vampire Hunter Douche. Every male in this film is a douche and every woman in this movie is a blathering idiot, a psycho hose beast, or both. The movie follows a young man (douche #1) who decides to road trip across country to get to his sister's wedding. In the process he meets a vampire hunter (douche #2) who gets him wrapped up in some strange vampire hunting antics involving a blond catatonic and the most obnoxious vampire leader ever (douche #3). There's also some sort of subplot about Douche #1 driving a loaner car across country to some rich woman. And that's....pretty much it.

The movie feels like it was trying to be a John Carpenter's Vampires for the "bro" set. It's wants to be a rough and tumble macho movie. But what it lacks are charismatic characters (and actors) and the hard core brutality that Vampires has. This turns it into a movie about two douche bags chasing another douche bag and slapping a dumb blond around for no apparent reason. Am I using the word douche too much? Probably. But I can't think of any other term that could describe the characters in this movie better other than possibly fucktard. You just don't care about them. You care more about the state of their loner car than you do them. Though most fight sequences I thought "Oh! That bullet will damage the paint! Oooh! The bumper fell off! Oh No!" while one of our heroes was shot, bitten, or beaten to a pulp.

Also, their vampire mythology is all over the damn place. I'm a women who likes it when mythologies are played with. It always presents a fresh take on an old concept weather its zombies, vampires, or werewolves. But I do believe you should attempt to make the new mythology make sense and be consistent. At the beginning of the movie, its established that vampirism is passed on through some form of infection that you get when bitten. You can also take a form of drug that will delay the turning into a vampire. Okay, I can get into that. You have to kill the vampire that turned you, before you turn to go back to being human. Okay, I can get that too though it sounds weird when it comes to fighting an infection. Vampires were founded by a bunch of french knights that sold their soul to the devil, then divided up and started biting people....okay wait...wasn't it supposed to be a medical condition not a mystical one? Right about this time, most of the medical info from the start of the movie was forgotten and dropped. I suppose both medical and mystical can go together if you take the effort to WRITE about it. But it just seemed dropped after the french knight explanation. No mention of any other magical properties of the drugs either. It just didn't mesh. Come on writers, either make and effort to combine the two or PICK ONE!

Now usually when a movie has gaping plot holes, at least we can rely on the idea of the vampires being cool right?....Right? Yeah, not so much. These were the most annoying group of blodsuckers EVER. Even Anne Rice's vampires couldn't hold a candle to these obnoxious, annoying, wannabe bad boys. Here's what they do. They Eat. They Fuck. THAT'S IT. They don't even do either very interestingly. Most of the feeding frenzy scenes are cut away or filmed so erratically that you can't really see much happening. And the sex scenes are the same.Also, our head vampire chews the scenery so much you really can't tell if he's overacting or if he has some form of brain damage. And his girlfriend bugged me. I know they were trying to make her a femme fatal. I know she was trying to be sexy. But her sexy consisted of looking vacant, cocking her hips, and having the vague air of syphilis about her. Oh, and for those keeping count, you do not see her boobs.

Okay, I can go on and on about how insanely dumb this movie is but I should stop now. One good thing is it didn't make me enraged like Jeepers Creepers did. Probably because I had no expectations going into this film. Also, I do believe this would be a hilarious film to watch while completely drunk, though it lacks the complete ridiculousness of Nick Cage's Wickerman.
Overall? Unless you want a mediocre drunk film, or have a douche fetish. Skip this one.

Movies to Get Drunk By...

I'll admit it, I want to have a drunken Wicker Man party.
And not the original GOOD version. OH no no no. I want to use the new Nick Cage version.

Yes, this movie was god awful. The story went nowhere, the acting was melodramatic, and the scares were Nil. But I still want to have a drunken Wicker Man party.
Why? I think this little video will sum it up enough.



Three things: Bicycle, Bear Suit, and Karate kicking Leelee Sobieski.
If that isn't hilarious on its own sober then imagine the insanity after a few rum and cokes?

So lets open this to discussion folks. What god awful horror movie would you choose to watch completely wasted?

I'll be planning the drunken Wicker Man party for this summer. Just FYI...

Stuck - A Review

I promised John from Freddy In Space I would review this movie by Friday.
And now it is Saturday night...And I'll probably hit the post button sometime around Sunday.

I'm trying to give Stac's rant as much top blog time as possible because I think I snorted a french fry out of my nose while reading it. A garlic one. And it hurt. THAT'S how fucking funny it was!
So go read that if you haven't then come back and read this.

Okay...done now?

Moving on.

So Stuck was recommended by Freddy in Space. Well not really recommended, more like "Hey I haven't watched this! Lets all watch this together! "I am prone to the bandwagon syndrome. After all, I did have mall bangs once in my life.
Oh shut up, I'm sure most of you wore parachute pants and OP shirts at one time.
So I threw it up onto the Netflix cue.



Stuck is an interesting little film. The story is a simple one. White trashy Ghetto-licious nurse in an old folks home gets trashed at a club and hits a pathetic down on his luck loser walking across the street. Instead of calling 911, she drives the car home and locks it in the garage with the guy still stuck in her windshield. Hilarity ensues.

Now one thing I have to admit, I did not feel this movie was a horror film. I'm not sure why people are classifying it in the genre either. It comes across as a quirky drama/thriller. Now I'm open to just about all genres of films (though some chick flicks really grate at me) so that wasn't much of a disappointment. But if you were expecting an over the top hardcore gorefest be forewarned, It is NOT.

The movie's pacing was nice. I like how the characters were set up. Nurse Brandi (Mena Suvari) appeared at the beginning to be a compassionate, nice, though rather class-less young woman but as the film went on her character degenerated into one spineless selfish bitch. Likewise, victim Thomas (Stephan Rea) who begins comes across as a pathetic dead beat, stops being a victim and starts to take matters into his own hands...well as best as you can with being stuck half into a car windshield. The acting was good. Stephan Rea was a stand out, never going too over the top with his performance and keeping Thomas grounded as a real guy. Mena Suvari did a good job as well. She handled the transformation from sweet thing to scheming bitch very smoothly making it all feel natural. Of course the scene stealer was Russel Hornsby as Rashid, Brandi's manipulative cheating, E Dealing, douche boyfriend. He kept the levity in the movie despite the heavy subject matter and I really enjoyed watching his character sleaze his way across the screen.

The gore itself was neither clown gore nor was it over the top torture porn. It tended to fall into that category of "real life" gore which I particularly do not like. Yet there were some moments of over the top violence. Someone does get a pen to the eye and there is a cat fight that involved a frying pan to the head that was just slapstick funny. Much to my surprise, for a movie about a guy getting hit by a car, the gore was rather minimal.

The weakest point of this movie was the direction. It just couldn't make up its mind on what it wanted to be. Drama? Horror? Thriller? Dark Comedy? Social Commentary? It wanted to be all these things but never really put a firm foot into any of them for me to even consider putting it into those categories. I don't mind mixing my genres but make a decision and go with gusto! This unfortunately would drag the movie down as it tried to make up its mind on where it wanted to go. Luckily the performances and interesting subject matter kept me watching to the end. I'm glad too because the final showdown between Brandi and Thomas was funny and really intense. It was a great climax. A little lack luster of an ending, but a great climax.

My overall impression? It was entertaining. It was not what I would consider horror and the movie itself felt muddled. But it did have moments of entertainment and the third act is worth wading through the patchy first and second act of the movie. I wouldn't own it on DVD but it was worth the rental price.
If you're looking for a good quirky drama movie, this is a good one to watch. If you rather spend your money on some good quirky horror, rent ReAnimator instead.

You Should Know Better, Dammit

I had me a wee epiphany the other night.

I love horror movies, and obviously, so do you or you wouldn't be reading this, I presume. (Or you're my roommate. Hi, Bevin!) But as fans, we all have to admit that there can be some truly terrible entries into our beloved genre. I'm sure this applies across the board, regardless of the story, but for some reason horror's failures seem to be so much more.. vivid.. than its filmographic siblings.

Every style of film has its cliches, but none seem to make my blood boil to the same degree as some of the rampant stupidity that scary (or want to be) movies seem to spread all over the camera lens like rancid mayonnaise. This is lazy thinking at its finest, in my regard, and it can take an otherwise enjoyable watching experience and turn it into a weapon that I swear to God in heaven above was designed for the sole purpose of pissing me off. So I thought I would take this blog, turn it into a nifty cyber soap box, and figuratively climb upon it to scream into the darkness of the internet.

The first of many cliches that is absolutely guaranteed to make me chew on tin foil in the futile hopes of calming myself down off of this precipice of SHEER RAGE is everyone's favorite: the bull shit ending. You know what I mean here; its become a staple of low budget horror in particular, and you can basically guarantee that any macabre movie shown on the Sci Fi channel will do this. I'm referring to what I have dubbed The Negated Ending. This is where the film makers either show themselves to be greedy, "edgy", stupid, or all three. This is where the climax of the film has delivered its pay off, the evil is vanquished, the couple or group of friends, or siblings, or whatever the survivor pool is comprised of, quip tiredly off into the sunset, assured that because of the rules that allowed the evil to be summoned in the first place, the evil is now no more. There is usually no way that the threat of the film could come back-- the ghost is exorcised, the bad guy shot, the monster banished, the portal to hell closed. And then what fucking happens, like you don't already know?! Somehow, improbably, the threat is back, tries to throw a little BOOGABOOGA at you, like you didn't see it telegraphed about an HOUR ago, and then the credits role.

Attention film makers who pull this stunt: I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU GET LIP HERPES! AND I HOPE IT ITCHES!! STOP DOING THIS!!!!


The next stupid cliche that makes me so angry I get a burst blood vessel in my eyeball: the "shocking" betrayal that, once again, you probably picked up on before the main titles had come up on the screen. Can't people who claim to be friends just be fucking friends? Have these dip shits been in the movie machine for so long now that betrayal is simply a way of life? I get that not everyone is who they claim they are, but not everyone is a lying douche nozzle waiting for you to turn your back so they have a clearer view of where to plant the knife, either! If you think your friend would fuck you over for pot or money or a lay, don't take their asses into the jungle with you! Have a pal prone to emotionally crumbling? Make sure you don't get partnered with them in the abandoned, creepy hospital! Are you a spy or consorting with them? THEN TRUST NO ONE! (I'm looking at YOU Indiana Jones!) I'm also going to give everyone in the world a hint: if Jake Busey appears to you, claiming he's in need of aid, keep fucking driving!

This spills over a bit into character stereotypes: on the rare occasion that you have a self sufficient heroine, why is her boyfriend always a cheating, abusive piece of shit? I personally make it my goal to terrorize those I date into remaining faithful. I can guarantee you emasculation at best, and if I find out about your inability to keep your tonker in your Tuffkskins during a high stress situation like we're being chased by zombies, your ass is brain food for the shambling masses of the undead. Why is there no such thing as a surviving and healthy relationship? If the guy isn't a prick then Leatherface is going to plant a zipper in his chest and wear him around to do his crazy chainsaw dance in.

One last one (for now) and then I'll wrap, because I can most assuredly go on all night on this topic. Ask anyone who's seen me (or wound me up into a) rant; it can go on for hours, involves frothing at the mouth, wild gesticulation, volume, and then tends to degenerate into drinking a lot of tequila and sulking. And sometimes sleeping on Cins' kitchen floor, but that's a tale for anther time.

My final peevish irritation is pointed at faulty anatomy. It's thanks to this thought that I got the idea for this entry as well as a future article, so score one for irrational hatred. Is it that fucking hard to crack out an anatomy textbook or something, to verify that your killing blow will, in fact, kill? My most recent red flag in this instance is the ever popular stomach stab. Did you know that this is, actually, a really fucking horrible, lengthy way to die? Unless the stabbing object manages to nick the major artery in the back, along the spine and the victim bleeds out, most wounds of this kind can actually take a long time to kill the person it is inflicted on. Shock might do them in first, if they were lucky, but otherwise what is likely to set in is sepsis, caused by stomach acid leaking into the body's cavity. I would imagine that death will eventually result from a massive infection, or organ damage. You don't just go *STAB*, and the victim then dies to death. And it is sure as HELL not a merciful way to kill someone! For fuck's sake, people!

I know that common sense and suspension of disbelief don't often go hand in hand, but come ON! Meet me in the middle, will you? I'm warning you: this WILL be an ongoing thing. So very, very much of the world ANGERS ME!