Monday, November 29, 2010

My Nine Iron is an Extension of My Penis.

Waaay back when I was but a wee witchie poo, in the love-forsaken year of 1991, my family finally joined the 20th century and got premium cable. I was alternately in heaven and bored to tears as HBO was feast or famine in its line-up. I am one of those people who can watch, read, or listen to something over and over if I enjoy it, so when a movie came on that I liked, I was glad to see it air over and again a million times as per Home Box Office's modus operandi. One of these movies I discovered at the emotional and greasy age of 13 was a largely forgotten gem called Rockula. I immediately fell head over heels into obsession with this goofy little movie, and watched it as often as I could catch it. I wanted to tape it but we had no blank VHS tapes, and this was long before the wonders of scalpers selling out of print movies on eBay, so I was essentially shit out of luck.

I moved in with my paternal grandparents a year later, and was once more back in the televised world of the stone age, as we got a total of three channels; if I dicked with the rabbit ears we could also get PBS, moving our choice total up to four. HBO was a distant memory, and as I recall, I ended up watching the VHS of Disney's Beauty and the Beast over and over and driving everyone around me insane until my grandmother hid the tape in the junk room. I really wish I was kidding.

1991 was the first and last year I saw the plight of Ralph LaVie: virgin vampire, and his mother Phoebe, played awesomely by Toni Basil. Yes THAT Toni Basil, of Hey Mickey fame, and who, I must add, is smoking hot in this movie. I'm a straight girl, but dayam. Even I can see that Mommy LeVie was a total undead milf. For years I've tried to get a copy of the movie, to no luck; it's never been released on DVD, and the VHS copies are long long time out of print. Imagine my delight when, while bitching to Tanya on the phone last night, I looked up Rockula on Netflix and FOUND IT STREAMING. Holy crap, epic win, pwned, all your base, what the eff ever is your online cliche spew of choice, I was the physical embodiment of them all when I saw that innocuous little blue "play" button waiting innocently for me to relive something good from my horribly awkward adolescent stage.

Careful boys! I think she's a biter!

In a nutshell, Ralphie's cursed to lose his true love Mona (played by Tawny Fere) every 22 years. He meets her, they have a few happy weeks together, and then she is always murdered on Halloween night. By a pirate. With a rhinestone peg leg. Who kills her with a ham bone. Played by Thomas "She Blinded Me with Science AND I'm the reason you're able to hear a damn thing at the movies" Dolby. This movie is fucking genius. Ralphie also has an obnoxious slut of a reflection, who is essentially every vampiric success that Ralphie is not, so you've got a great schizophrenic angle to pursue as well.

She Blinded Me with Fritz Lang and German Expressionism.

Dean Cameron (Chainsaw in the movie Summer School) is perfect as Ralph: he's got the "harmless cute" mixed perfectly with the widow's peak and slightly hawkish profile that you need for the "sexy vampire". It's no damn wonder he made my 13 year old heart go pitty-pat under my over-sized GAP t-shirt that I stole from the school lost and found! On top of that, he can sing. Oh, did I fail to mention that this movie has several musical numbers? Well it's called Rockula, use a little fucking inference, huh?

I have this identical poster on my living room wall, right now. It is between John William Waterhouse's The Mermaid and my Halloween My Little Ponies.

This is streaming on NetFlix, and I am going to get a copy on DVD, regardless of who I have to bite or bribe or both. Please, GO and watch this! It's silly and cheesy and fucking GREAT and we need to make noise to get people to pay attention and GIVE ME A LICENSED COPY ALREADY.

I am happy to note that I enjoyed this just as much as I did as a young'n, and I got more of the jokes-- would that everything from memory held up as well as this. I have a feeling that had this movie come out a few years earlier it probably would be better remembered today; it has a strangely John Hughes feel to it without being derivative. Sadly it came out in the weird interstitial period between decades, during that static period when the new decade is still influenced by the old one while acquiring its own flavor. A lot of good stuff gets lost in years like these, so let's make up for it now! Go watch!

This is hot. I don't care who you are or how you judge me, this is one of the rare instances from puberty that doesn't make me cringe.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

SkullyBoom Love

This logo wins for being EXACTLY what they sell.

They don't know it, but SkullyBoom was invented for me. I managed to wreck my Saturn last winter (in the stupidest way possible, though thankfully one that minimized any risk of human damage), and got a newer car with a mix of insurance money and my older brother. My newer car, a white Ford dubbed The Boo Mobile, is quite posh for someone who has only ever owned used cars. Keyless entry, working A/C, low mileage. It also has a killer speaker system, but the car is schizo in a way that makes these speakers virtually useless, because I have no way to connect my iPod to them. For some reason the tape deck won't play the cassette adapter that I used before, and when I tried an FM adapter, it turned out my cigarette lighter, the source of power for said adapter, is dead. Why? Who the fuck know. And I'm sure you, the reader is probably adding who the fuck cares to that statement.

You care because that led me to the glorious world of external speakers, 99% of which are total crap for a moving car. EXCEPT for SkullyBoom. I bought one of their speakers on pre order, long before I trashed my previous car, so clearly an external force was at work here. Initially purchased to use while doing house work and as something that my nieces and nephews could use with my iPod, this speaker saved me from hours upon hours of boredom.

I'll be honest: I only bought the speaker for two initial reasons: 1: to support a small, growing business, and 2: I fuckin' loved that it was skull shaped. But it's also the loudest speaker for its size I've ever heard, and it is also the clearest, something crucial for in-car use. There's no separate volume control for the speaker itself, instead the volume is entirely dependent on the MP3 player's volume setting. The other straight up awesome feature: no batteries! You charge it on your computer, and from experience I can tell you that the charge lasts for a long time. I can usually get to and from my sister's house, 6 hours round trip, without needing a charge.

This is the same color speaker I have. The eyes are the actual speakers, and my model is either strung out, like above, or totally baked.

But the best part of SkullyBoom, in my opinion, is their customer service. I got my speaker in January, and it broke in May. When I contacted them they had me return it, and then got me a new one IN THREE DAYS. That is some seriously AWESOME turn around, and for that reason I wear my SkullyBoom decal on my car, and happily!

If you're looking for a great, LOUD little speaker, then head over to, and tell 'em we sent you! Now if I could just get them to make ear buds so I can stop using Skull Candy's crap..

Sunday, November 21, 2010

New Murder Dolls!

I still need Clio and Deuce. :(

Mattel hit a stroke of awesome recently, and my wallet is going to pay, with pain, if need be. This article is hard to write because I have a cat butt in my face. Apparently my neck/chest is the best and warmest seat in the house, according to Salem. This new doll line is called Monster High, and the dolls are the teenaged daughters (and a few sons. Prom IS coming, after all.) of famous monsters. They are also fucking adorable.

The main four and easiest to find are Draculaura, Clawdeen, Frankie Stein, and Lagoona Blue; I'm sure you can parse what child belongs with whom. I lucked out over Halloween and was able to get all four at my local Fred Meyer's who did a buy one get one free sale-- apparently Freddy's wasn't feeling too confident over their saleability. But when I went back later in the season the dolls were all gone, and there were none in the after Halloween corpse, though there were plenty of Halloween Barbies marked down.

These dolls are seriously cute, and one thing I really like is that they have their own mold-- they're not retrofitted Barbies or Bratz dolls. They're very jointed, especially on their arms, and each has her own little special touch. Frankie's eyes are different colors and she has stitching all over her limbs, Clawdeen has pierced wolf ears (and no human ears, a nice touch), Draculaura has elf ears as well as fangs (along with Clawdeen), and Lagoona has little, transparent, removable fins on her arms and legs.

Another touch I liked is that each of their fashion styles has its own flavor. All of them are very "fashion doll chic", of course, but in that continuum there are little touches of individuality. Lagoona's look is surfer casual (with heels, but somethings are endemic to fashion dolls), Draculaura is sort of new wave happy goth. Clawdeen is very animal print fashionista, and Frankie has a Hot Topic punk touch with lots of plaid. Each character also has her own back story, and comes with her little diary.

What we have here is a very charming doll line, and perfect for creepy little (or big) girls to play with. Eventually I'm going to get a shelf to display them in my living room, and I may get a doll for either my goddaughter or one of my nieces for Christmas, depending. Next year an extended line is slated, featuring Ghoulia, the zombie girl, and more boys, thankfully. I always hated having ten Barbies to one Ken; it always made sex in the Barbie Dream bed awkward with everyone watching... ah, childhood memories.

Bottom line: this dolls are adorable, and we really need to encourage this trend in dolls! I NEED MORE CREEPY! And if you don't support them you'll awake one night to the the enraged gaze of Creepy Murder Dolls.

Thank about THAT before you snub Mattel!

I Had Such Plans..


But school effectively crushed those dreams, like a technicolor cockroach under the heel of monotone conformity.

So FUCK IT, sez I! I shall post all of my glorious Halloween nonsense now, now that I am freed of two of the three research papers I had due this quarter!

So stay tuned and comment often, lest you wake in the night and find the terrifying image of myself and Cins, standing at the foot of your bed, fondling a slab of bacon, and muttering dark, broken things that you simply do not want to hear! Also, if you're a boy, I will totally make you wear girl clothes. My little brother can tell you stories on my prowess in this endeavor.