I moved in with my paternal grandparents a year later, and was once more back in the televised world of the stone age, as we got a total of three channels; if I dicked with the rabbit ears we could also get PBS, moving our choice total up to four. HBO was a distant memory, and as I recall, I ended up watching the VHS of Disney's Beauty and the Beast over and over and driving everyone around me insane until my grandmother hid the tape in the junk room. I really wish I was kidding.
1991 was the first and last year I saw the plight of Ralph LaVie: virgin vampire, and his mother Phoebe, played awesomely by Toni Basil. Yes THAT Toni Basil, of Hey Mickey fame, and who, I must add, is smoking hot in this movie. I'm a straight girl, but dayam. Even I can see that Mommy LeVie was a total undead milf. For years I've tried to get a copy of the movie, to no luck; it's never been released on DVD, and the VHS copies are long long time out of print. Imagine my delight when, while bitching to Tanya on the phone last night, I looked up Rockula on Netflix and FOUND IT STREAMING. Holy crap, epic win, pwned, all your base, what the eff ever is your online cliche spew of choice, I was the physical embodiment of them all when I saw that innocuous little blue "play" button waiting innocently for me to relive something good from my horribly awkward adolescent stage.
In a nutshell, Ralphie's cursed to lose his true love Mona (played by Tawny Fere) every 22 years. He meets her, they have a few happy weeks together, and then she is always murdered on Halloween night. By a pirate. With a rhinestone peg leg. Who kills her with a ham bone. Played by Thomas "She Blinded Me with Science AND I'm the reason you're able to hear a damn thing at the movies" Dolby. This movie is fucking genius. Ralphie also has an obnoxious slut of a reflection, who is essentially every vampiric success that Ralphie is not, so you've got a great schizophrenic angle to pursue as well.
Summer School) is perfect as Ralph: he's got the "harmless cute" mixed perfectly with the widow's peak and slightly hawkish profile that you need for the "sexy vampire". It's no damn wonder he made my 13 year old heart go pitty-pat under my over-sized GAP t-shirt that I stole from the school lost and found! On top of that, he can sing. Oh, did I fail to mention that this movie has several musical numbers? Well it's called Rockula, use a little fucking inference, huh?
I have this identical poster on my living room wall, right now. It is between John William Waterhouse's The Mermaid and my Halloween My Little Ponies.
This is streaming on NetFlix, and I am going to get a copy on DVD, regardless of who I have to bite or bribe or both. Please, GO and watch this! It's silly and cheesy and fucking GREAT and we need to make noise to get people to pay attention and GIVE ME A LICENSED COPY ALREADY.This is hot. I don't care who you are or how you judge me, this is one of the rare instances from puberty that doesn't make me cringe.
I am happy to note that I enjoyed this just as much as I did as a young'n, and I got more of the jokes-- would that everything from memory held up as well as this. I have a feeling that had this movie come out a few years earlier it probably would be better remembered today; it has a strangely John Hughes feel to it without being derivative. Sadly it came out in the weird interstitial period between decades, during that static period when the new decade is still influenced by the old one while acquiring its own flavor. A lot of good stuff gets lost in years like these, so let's make up for it now! Go watch!