Friday, January 30, 2009

Movies to Get Drunk By...

I'll admit it, I want to have a drunken Wicker Man party.
And not the original GOOD version. OH no no no. I want to use the new Nick Cage version.

Yes, this movie was god awful. The story went nowhere, the acting was melodramatic, and the scares were Nil. But I still want to have a drunken Wicker Man party.
Why? I think this little video will sum it up enough.

Three things: Bicycle, Bear Suit, and Karate kicking Leelee Sobieski.
If that isn't hilarious on its own sober then imagine the insanity after a few rum and cokes?

So lets open this to discussion folks. What god awful horror movie would you choose to watch completely wasted?

I'll be planning the drunken Wicker Man party for this summer. Just FYI...

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Chainsaw Waltz

I purchased The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 yesterday. Expect a review of it, and soon, as I have never seen this before.


Friday, January 23, 2009

Monster in my Closet - Top 10 Favorite Monsters

I suppose what I classify as monsters and what other people classify as monsters can be different.
What I consider a monster is something that's inhuman in appearance. So Freddy, Jason, Pinhead...Love you guys but you're not scary monsters. I would put you more in the category of Scary Assholes.
But Scary Assholes in a list for another day.
Today I plan to talk about my favorite weirdies that don't tend to walk on two legs or say much. The gooey, the scaly, the over sized, and possibly phallic looking. These are my top ten favorite monsters.
Hang on Folks! This should be fun!


I know I know. He's really not that scary. He's a small Japanese man in a rubber suit. Well your adult brain knows that and my adult brain knows that. But once upon a time my adult brain was a child's brain...
Not ONE word out of you Stac! Not one word!
ANYWAY, I used to be terrified by the walking rubber lizard as a child. I'm sure you're all coming to the conclusion that pretty much anything terrified me as child. I own up to all the claims of my chicken shittery as a little girl. I used to have nightmares that Godzilla would come stomping down onto my house and kill my family and everything I held dear. I mean he wasn't very considerate of other people's property after all. We lived in a flight path for a lot of jets when I was a kid. Whenever I heard a sonic boom I thought "That's it! Godzilla is commin! Under the table everyone!"...It got old after a while and I was forbidden from watching Godzilla movies until the 6th grade.

9-The Creature from the Black Lagoon

There's just not enough love for ol' Goonie here. This was the first real monster movie I saw when I was little. Goonie didn't scare me actually. And you'd figure he would considering Godzilla made me want to wee in my underroos. I really had no clue what the film was about. I figured that he was just a misunderstood fish that wanted to help that poor lady when she was swimming. Besides, her human boyfriend was a douche and Goonie could breathe under water and had webbed toes. To an eight year old, that totally wins.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon became an imaginary friend for me for a little while. I would have little girl fantasies of us having tea parties. There was a specific order of seating at these tea parties, To the left was Shani my Cabbage Patch Kid, to the right was Tim the teddy bear. Goonie would sit across from me and we would exchange stories about the weather, food, and My Little Pony. Believe it or not, he has impeccable table manners.

8-The Blob (from the original The Blob)

Another childhood monster love. The blob was a sandwich bag of stomach acid. And while you didn't see anything graphic since this movie was made back in the day were cleavage was considered unholy, my child brain once again filled in the blanks. So yeah, I saw all the flesh melting horror in my mind way before the remake came out.
The thing that freaked me out most about the blob was it could pretty much go anywhere. Close the door? It comes under it. Bar the windows? It will come through the vent. Other than a submarine, there really wasn't any place you could hide from it. To this day, I still can't eat Jello. Perhaps its an undying fear that the Jello may eat me back?...or perhaps I think Jello is nasty.

7-Pumpkin Head

The only reason Pumpkin head is on this list is because he looks like a cross between a penis and a golden raisin. And that's really all I need to feel unsettled.

6-The wormy things from Slither

Did these things have names? I don't remember if they did. I just called them the wormy things. It was a tough to choose between this and the Grant monster but the wormies one. I loved watching them work. They are another monster than can get to you just about anywhere. They're definitely small enough. Night of the Creeps inspired these little buggers but I felt Slither did them better. They're bloody, they're gooey, they're completely relentless...and they're kinda cute. I plan to make my own wormy thing someday using one of those water wiggle toys and possibly lots of latex. Why? Because this is America!

5-Grey Children from Silent Hill

Seriously...What the fuck?
These guys were only in one scene in the movie and they scared the Hell out of me! Okay, judging by the photo, they look a bit goofy. But imagine; you've just woken up in a place you don't know, everything is dark, things are smelling weird and there's a half eaten guy hanging on the wall next to you. The next thing you know there is this little grey midget grabbing your arm and SCREAMING at you! Why? You don't know! He's just screaming like a fucking howler monkey in your face! Then all his little smokey grey midget friends come shambling in and want to be your tearing your limbs off!
Its kind of like teaching kindergarten.

4-The Creeper from Jeepers Creepers

Jeepers Creepers infuriates me. And I do not hide my rage for it. WHY does it make me so mad? Because it had so much potential to be brilliant! Apparently halfway through the film the producer's hack sack playing, pot smoking, college drop cousin took over the film because after a fantastic beginning it all goes to fuck in a fuck basket full of dildos!
Regardless that this movie makes me so angry, it had a great monster. The Creeper was just that, CREEPY. You never knew what he was, what he was doing, or why he was doing it. But once he got his sites on you, you were doomed. Combine that with his freaky way of sniffing things and licking car windows? Yeah...he's not one I'd invite to my tea party. And the fact that he was such an interesting monster makes me angry all over again! Damn you Jeepers Creepers!

3-The Thing
The Thing is all about paranoia. We're not even sure what it looks like other than gooey. What I love so much about the thing is that it could be anyone. It could be your dog, your grandma, ANYONE. You're so tired of being suspicious that once you finally put your guard down for one second, it attacks. It also made Wilford Brimley go bat shit crazy and that is just plain awesome to watch.


Yeah yeah, laugh at me all you want but I truly love the design of the Cloverfield monster. I loved how it moved, I love how it sounded, and I loved how is just decimated New York. It made me happy inside. And not only did you get one giant rampaging monster, you get thousands of little tiny bastard monsters that live on its back! Its like buying a monster value pack at Walmart!
I have been longing to own a plushie of Cloverfield. I have friends who said they'd try to make one but alas, I have no Cloverfield to curl up with at night. And it makes me sad. *sigh*

1-The Xenomorph from the Alien Series
Oh H.R. Giger, how I love you. Only you would created this walking Freudian nightmare. The Xenomorph is really the only monster that ever got under my skin after the age of 10. When I was in high school I used to have nightmares about these things. They would be infesting my garage or attic and the only thing I would have to fight them off would be a broom. Yeah, I was screwed.
Xenomorph here is an exquisitely designed monster. Every stage of this thing is made to terrorize you. At birth, it rapes your face. At adolesence, it bursts through your chest violently. And at adulthood it kills you mercilessly or takes you back to its nest to start the cycle of horror all over again. And visually it is stunning. You're scared of it but you just can't stop looking at it. Its elegant and streamlined and almost beautiful in a grotesque way. Xeno makes it to #1

And there you have it. My top ten favorite scary monsters of all time.
Next up? my top ten favorite scary Assholes of all time!

Monday, January 19, 2009

All Work and No Play Make Cindy Go Crazy...

I'll be posting an article up here that actually is entertaining soon.
But until then? Check this shit out!

Ever wondered what Jack Torrance's Book was about?

Looks like Jackie Boy has finished his novel and put it up for sale on the interwebs.I bet its quite the heart warming story as well.

I stumbled onto this link randomly and laughed my ass off. Be sure to hit the book preview for that maximum feeling of someone having WAY too much time on their hands.
I'm really tempted to pick this sucker up...or make my own because that's how I've been feeling lately.
Umm...nothing to see here!
Where's my ax?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Domestication. Like a Black Widow.

I have something to share:

I am knitting a Halloween blanket. For me. On my bed. In January.

That is all.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The simplicity of 1408

The hubby and I were flipping through the channels tonight and landed on Showtime. They were showing 1408. He turned to me and said "I'm surprised you haven't written an article on this".
I'm surprised too actually.
I believe 1408 is brilliant film. Brilliant because of its simplicity.

I caught this in the theater with some friends/fellow ghost story fans. I was interested in this movie from the beginning but I wasn't sure what to expect. Stephan King is hit or miss with me. Frankly I find his stories come across better in mini series form since they can be so long and involved. Luckily this was one of his short stories which translate far better to film. Still, I was skeptical. After all, I did see Sleepwalkers.
On the other hand, Mr. King is a master of the Mind Fuck. The Shinning, Apt Pupil, and The Dead Zone are three movies of his that are top notch. Of course you could probably credit a lot of that to the film makers as much as to Stephen King but without a decent story, you don't have much. So this movie could have gone either way for me. Luckily it went towards the positive. Three main things made this movie stand out for me, its visuals, its story, and its acting.
This movie came out during the onslaught of torture porn. The big films where Hostel, the Saw series, and a variety of other movies trying to jump on the bloody band wagon. 1408 was the complete opposite. The film was simple. A skeptic locks himself in a hotel room and crazy shenanigans happen. That's pretty much it. There were no long gore scenes, no boobies (which may be up for debate amongst some of you as a good thing), and no flashy special effects. The film reminded me of the 1963 The Haunting. Creepy sounds, lighting, and camera angles along with very simple special effects made 1408 feel grounded in reality. There are times when I am alone in the house and I think "Wouldn't it be freaky if that door opened on its own? Or if that radio turned on by itself?". Scary ghostly things are simple and eerie. A window opening on its own or a clock radio turning on to the same song over and over are things that could happen in your own home Granted, there was some CGI but it was minimal. Just enough to make you blink and think twice about what you saw. You don't even see the rooms previous victims other than quick glimpses. Just enough to make your imagination fill in the horrible blanks.

Story wise it was structured great. The story was simple letting the characters, or character actually, be as complicated as it needed to be. The story and the character worked hand in hand. The more crazy things the room did, the more we learned about our protagonist, Mike. Character stories in many movies, not just horror, can sometimes feel tacked on. Here the story line and the character back story worked in perfect harmony, making Mike's nightmare more personal. And it made the fact that he's an asshole more understandable, maybe not excusable but understandable.
Also, you never find out WHY room 1408 is such a fucked up room. There is no explanation, reason, no sudden discovery of the mouth of Hell in the toilet. Its just what Sam Jackson says it is ,"Its an evil fucking room". For me, the uncertain is terrifying. And once again, your imagination starts to fill in the blanks on why the room is so evil. This also leaves a lot of room for mind fuckery. There are no set rules on how this place works therefore you're never safe anywhere. You think you escaped? You feel safe? WRONG! We were just screwing with you. You are trapped and you are doomed. Check out time is noon. Enjoy!

But one great thing that elevated 1408 into a masterpiece for me was the acting. Lets face it folks, our genre doesn't lend itself often to top notch acting. Luckily John Cusack carries the film beautifully. And he has to. A lesser actor in the roll of Mike would have tanked this movie. 95% of the film is Mike alone, reacting to the insanity that is happening around him. Cusack goes from chuckling skeptic, to complete terror, to utter hopelessness, then nihilist bastard effortlessly. None of it seems forced. Not to mention he keeps Mike likable despite the fact that he's kind of a dick. You really feel for him and see the wounded bird behind his gruff and tough exterior. And as the movie goes on, the exterior is torn away ruthlessly and you're left with this broken quivering mass of a man.
And despite the fact that his role was small and that he did Snakes on a Plane (which I own on DVD, I'll admit that) Sam Jackson was just as strong. I find San Jackson to be at his best when he's playing characters like Gerald Olin. He was restrained, elegant, and quietly terrified of room 1408. Some people may think he was under used but I felt he was perfect to set the stage and deliver the facts about the room in a no nonsense tone that made them all the more chilling.

I may be in the minority here, but I truly think 1408 is a masterpiece. Its The Shinning's plucky little brother who isn't afraid to sucker punch you in the gonads. But I've always been a less is more type of girl with my horror, especially with my ghost stories. If you haven't seen 1408, or you feel like checking it out again, take a moment to enjoy its simplicity.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Sci-Fi Tried to Put It in My Butt.

Triple failure, Sci-Fi Channel. You hear me? TRIPLE FAILURE!

I wasted my Sunday night watching "horror" movies on Sci-Fi, two of them from 2008's 8 Films to Die For Film Festival. As a result I want a time machine so I can have my day back, and a fucking apology.

I watched Lake Dead, Crazy Eights, and The Dark, and I was BETRAYED by all damn three! This REALLY pisses me off because I have notoriously low standards. I mean, rock bottom. I regard the 5$ Bin O' Crap at Halloween to be the source of untapped wonders. I will watch movies like Phantom of the Mall: Erik's Revenge. Over and over. So when you can unleash a stinker that makes even the likes of me recoil from the stank ass waft of your cinematic evil, then RETHINK YOUR FUCKING PROCESS.

Lake Evil: Incest, and lots of it! As a result you get two huge, lumbering inbreds who just really wanna put it in their unknowing blond niece-cousins.

Crazy Eights: really cheesed me off, because it had me until the end, when it existentialled itself to death, credits role. In this one's defense, I might need to watch it again since I got the impression that Sci-Fi made some weird cuts. I'll NetFlix it, but if you cross me again, movie, then I WILL MAKE YOU PAY! It's set in a creepy abandoned hospital/sanitarium setting, which I LOVE, so I'm disappointed as well as sulky.

Third was The Dark, which looked so good initially; it stars Sean "Dear God he's Delicious" Bean and Maria Bello, both actors that I like. It's set in Wales, people speak some Welsh, pretty cool so far! Creepy, sad setting which leads to a creepy, sad event that leads to.. a befuddling, bullshit ending. That of course tried to do a "twist". ANGER.. RISING..!

After it was all said and done and I was grumping off to brush my teeth, the incest story was the best of the lot.


What the Fuck was THAT?

I just finished watching one of the most cracked out films I've seen all month. And this is coming from someone who just watched Zombie Strippers and Frankenhooker.

The movie is called Bloody Mallory. And its French.
What the Hell is up with the French?!

I found this little gem on Hulu to keep me company while the hubby is out playing WarHammer 30k (For those wondering, he has an orc army). The movie is an insane campy romp full of demons, over acting, and drag queens. And its awesome.

The story revolves around a trio of supernatural commandos made up of an angry bitch named Mallory, her drag queen pal Vena Cava, and Talkie Tina the child mute telepath. They have to rescue the pope from demons. A priest pops up later to help from someplace. There's also a wacky vampire chick and a succubus who appears to have a giant clitorus on her head.
Everyone in this movie has fabulous hair and wears leather pants.

I do believe a group of Japanese drag queens wrote this movie because its almost like a life action french.
The costumes are ridiculous, the story is insane, and the acting is pretty lame. But my god its hilariously awesome!
This movie isn't a gore fest or even scary at all. But if you're looking for a good laugh and some great camp. Check it out.
Here's the movie right here. Enjoy!

Monday, January 12, 2009

10 Minutes of Terror: Jaws. And A Bonus material!

Hey All!
Thanks again for sticking with us during this busy time.
We'll make it worth your while!
For example, we'll have to following reviews coming up from me.
Frankenhooker, Happiness of the Katakuris, Terror Firmer, and Habit
And a special live blog/joint review of Blood Feast 2 All U Can Eat by Stac and myself. Oh the hilarity! Oh the many "eating out" jokes to be had!
You know you want to stay tuned for our cude mouths.

Until Then we have 10 minutes of Terror!!!!

Okay so I wanted to focus on Jaws. Yeah yeah I know. We've all seen Jaws numerous times. Its become a cliche and I'm sure we can quote large sections from it.
But come on, admit it. You all pissed your pants as much as I did when you saw that first scene with the girl in the ocean and the screaming and the panting and freaking out and the wa wa wa ADMIT IT!
Despite the fact that Jaws has become completely mundane, at the time, that movie was insanely scary. Spielberg was at his finest in suspense and no frills film making. It still stands as one of my favorite scary movies of all time.
And you think such a classic film opening would be EASY TO FIND ON YOUTUBE!!!
I could not find a decent looking version of that scene at all. So instead I bring this this loving re-enactment I found instead.

I find that a little bit creepier than the original.

Also, as a bonus, I found out one of my all time favorite zombie movies [REC] is coming out with a sequel! Oh happy day! The teaser trailer is out and is only nine seconds. But its an awesome nine seconds.
Check it out!

And to end this post, here's a zombie eating a shark from the movie Zombie. I love the Italians.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Ghosts? Or Cocaine?

Courtney Love's Album Delayed By 'Paranormal Issues'

Click here for original article.

Courtney Love's Album Delayed By 'Paranormal Issues'
January 5th, 2009 11:49am EST

Courtney Love has pushed back the release of her new album after ghostly
goings-on in the studio delayed the recording.

Nobody's Daughter, the follow-up to 2004's America's Sweetheart, was due
for release through the rocker's website on January 1. But it is now scheduled for next month after "paranormal" events forced the album's producer Michael Beinhorn to abandon the studio.

In a posting on her page, a representative for Love writes, "The studio that Courtney and her band were using to record had some paranormal technical issues and had to be moved from one studio to another studio right around the holidays due to some technical sound issues that Beinhorn, who is a master and a genius, was not happy with.

"The room was a paranormal issue; Courtney and crew could not hear between guitars. Sound and vocal mixings have to be completed still to perfection. If Courtney had it her way she would have the studios sound-checked first but it was originally use (sic) as a hip-hop rap studio so the acoustics were all f--ked up."

VIDEO Courtney Love VIDEO

(This news article provided by World Entertainment News Network)

I have no idea how valid this news source is, but since when is faulty equipment proof of ghostly goings on? I could make the obvious joke about who's doing the haunting here, but I choose not too. Instead I'll call everyone involved in this a dork.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Fear Itself: New Years Day

Hola Peeps!
As Stac has said, life has gone a wee bit pear shaped on me but nothing I can't handle. So my entries will be brief until a couple things are fixed and a few skulls are crushed in the wake of my wrath. No need to fear for the husband. He helps hide the bodies.

Stac's freaky stories have been reminding me of the few weird ones that have happened to me. Unfortunately they're not half as entertaining as Stac's and probably double in the curse words. Perhaps I will share sometimes?

Anyways I just thought I'd share a little goodie that was suggested to me by my co-worker. My co-worker is a fellow horror fan and he consumes media and an uncanny rate. Seriously. I don't think the guy sleeps. I think he stays up all night and watches horror films, probably three at a time. He pointed me in the direction of a show called Fear Itself.
Has anyone heard of this show? Because I sure as Hell haven't. Its a horror anthology show on NBC much like the Masters of Horror series only made for network TV. This could be both good AND bad.
My co-worker said he found one episode pretty damn good. Its titled New Years Day and its directed by Daren Lynn Bousman who also directed Saw II and Saw III.
New Years Day is short film about zombies and its not half bad. I found myself extremely interested in the story. Since I can't embed the video here's the link to it.


Check it out! Its not a bad watch. And the ending is...bizarrely a horridly twisted way.

Back soon with stuff!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

This is What Crazy Feels Like

Just a heads up; I'll be doing most of the posting for a bit, as Cins is having some real life shenanigans that are giving her a hard time. That, or she's drinking again.

I thought for this post I would share a real life experience of mine. I originally posted this on the forums, in the winter ghost stories thread. This is all true, no fabrications. It scares me to think about now, but in a distant way, like I'd read a book or saw a movie that frightened me.

I need to preface this story with my mental state at the time this event occurred. To put it bluntly, I was not well, emotionally. I was supremely stressed out, to the point that I was manifesting physical symptoms like back pain, and at one point the muscles in my neck tensed up so badly that I couldn't turn my head. I started to have my first ever bouts with insomnia, and was just in a very bad place. I had no money, only one friend really close to me, my boyfriend was smothering me, and I was so poor I could either pay some of my bills for the month or I could eat.

I was twenty four when this happened to me. I'm almost convinced it was all in my mind, but there's still that little seed of terror that wonders if my fear just gave something a way in. I was living on my own for the first time. By alone I mean exactly that: it was just me and my cat, Remington. No roommates for the first time since I'd moved out, and for the most part I'm very glad that I opted to live alone instead of trying to find another person to live with. Part of this decision was due to the fact that I had no one to move in with me, and I couldn't face the thought of living with another complete stranger. I'm the kind of person who must have a "safe" spot, a place I can unwind in. It has to be my home, and I don't feel safe living with someone I didn't know previously.

I'm not sure what started it; maybe just the fact that I'm naturally paranoid. But I started to become very, very afraid of the crawl space in the ceiling of my bedroom closet. At first it was just general unease; I would have to make sure the closet door was closed completely before I could sleep, something that hadn't bothered me before. I would go into the closet to get dressed/whatever, and instead of doing the task I had set for myself, I would instead find myself staring up at the crawl space panel above my head. I would frequently be shocked to discover that I had wasted as much as twenty minutes a pop doing this, which is unusual for me as I am one of those fidgety people who must be doing something at all times. I can't even just sit and watch television: I'm usually drawing/reading/sewing/etc while I watch the boob tube.

I became fixated on this stupid crawl space. I would think about it when I wasn't home, and it was the first thing I inspected when I returned from being out. I had a recurring fantasy of peering up at the panel and seeing it drop slightly back into place. Then my obsession got worse, and I became convinced that there was a strange, ragged, long-haired man hiding up there, waiting to get me. Not convinced as in I called the cops, but convinced that somehow there was a strange show down that had to happen between us, and no one else was or could be involved. He was real, but I knew he was real only to me, if that makes any sense.

I tried several times to work up my courage and just climb on a chair with a flashlight, shove up the panel and see, finally, once and for all, if there was anything up there. The person I am now, and was trying to become then, would have done it. Would have lost patience, grabbed a baseball bat and a light, and had a peek. But I was so tired, and stressed out, and hopeless feeling that I just had no energy to get worked up. And part of the me was half afraid that if I looked, it would have been like Pandora's box; I would have let him out, and he would finally have been made real. It was a strange feeling, but I was convinced that he was trying to be born into the real world from my mind, but wasn't quite strong enough to leave the crawl space.

Then God smiled on me, and I ended up moving out of my apartment, and in with a friend. She lived with her father, who was planning to move closer to his girlfriend, and she and I would take over his mortgage payments in lieu of rent. Another friend of mine who was moving into town from across the country, was going to take over my lease. I was so relieved; I would be paying substantially less per month, I had another friend nearby, stuff was looking much better!

But the man in the crawl space wasn't done with me yet, apparently. The last night I slept there, something strange happened. It was just a little thing, but the effects were pretty potent for me. Most of my stuff was moved out; all that was really left was me, Remington, my bed, and general trash to clean up. There were plastic grocery bags all over the floor because I liked to use those to wrap my more delicate items in, and I has just gotten done with a box of figurines, a snow globe, things of that ilk, moved that afternoon from in my bedroom.

I had dropped off to sleep quickly, hot and tired from moving. I had been sleeping very hard when I woke up for a moment, something I do a lot of. But that night I had been so deeply asleep I hadn't even moved from the original position I had zonked out in; my joints were a little achy from not moving for so long. I was just starting to drop back off, when I heard the rustle of one of the plastic grocery bag. Coming from inside my closet.

It was like someone snapping their fingers; just like that I was wide awake, and my heart was galloping. I didn't move, and strained to listen and my mind sorted frantically through excuses for that noise to be occuring during the blackest part of the night. Remington, my mind latched onto. It was Remington, no doubt sleeping on one of the bags, as he liked to do. He liked to sleep in the closet, and I had been so busy cleaning and packing that I had totally forgotten to close the closet door before I had gone to bed.

I started to relax, my heart still beating hard, but the adrenaline was starting to fade. Goofy cat, I started to think, and then I felt Remington turn over. He was on the bed with me, sleeping cuddled up against the backs of my knees. Then the bag rustled again.

To this day, I have no idea what caused that. I don't know what happened next, because the next thing I knew, it was morning, and everything was once again normal.

What was it? What or who caused that noise? I don't know. I do know two things though: the only living things in my apartment that night were myself and my cat. An I know that I was not dreaming, though at the time I had badly wished I was. I don't know why I abruptly fell back asleep, either.

I also know that whatever fears I had in the apartment, I left there. After I moved out, I wasn't afraid of the man anymore.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Your Mother Doesn't Love You

The time has come to tell a tale, a tale of a mother who probably hates her kids. But first, some family back story! You're welcome!

My older sister is quite a bit older than I am; eleven years. There is the same amount of time between myself and my sister as their is between myself and my sister's oldest daughter, Jessi. Why did I tell you this? Because my oldest nephew (Jessi's brother) made me a fuckin' great aunt, and I'm feeling insecure about my age, dammit! Now, on to the tale.

Jessi is dating a really nice guy named, uh, Tall Boy. Boy is local to the little sparkling edge of Washington state that portion of my family lives in. He grew up on a farm, and as such had one of those bizzarro childhoods where you name the cow and then eat it. For some reason Boy's mom felt it imperative to terrorize her offspring. I've never met this woman but I can't wait to; something tells me she and I are going to get along like a house on fire. That we probably set ourselves. Apparently she once came home from a planning meeting, a touch tipsy, and informed Boy that she adored Jessi, but that she wasn't deaf. You can imagine my niece's delight, yes? Her sons also figured out that they could get out of being grounded if they found a nice juicy cut of gossip for her. Would that my own groundings had been so easy to weasel out of.

Apparently one of her favorite tricks, though, was to send her small children into the basement to get something for her. Being little boys they were of course, terrified of the basement; what little kid isn't? I used to sleep in our basement and I was afraid of it. Once the poor little munchkins had wandered down, she would lock the door and turn off the lights. Now, let me clarify. I work with kids while I'm going through college; I have for most of my life. I have been assured by most of these kids that I am pure evil, and I delight in the suffering of others. They dubbed me The Devil Aunt, and that is complete truth. The point of my little dissertation? Even I would never something like that. I wouldn't even do that to a teenager or an adult, and I have a much lower tolerance for those age groups than I do for kids.

Boy's mother would laugh while her sons pounded against the door and screamed. Making this even more surreal, Boy laughs his hinder off when he tells these tales. I have no idea if this is some form of "hard love" or something, but my suspicions are that she didn't actually want kids. I have told Boy this. He thinks I'm kidding.

The final tale (for now, I'm sure) is the story of the car's break down. Like most kids (myself included), especially those of the right age during a movie release, Boy and his brother were terrified of Freddy Krueger. Most parents would be eager to remind their children that not only did Freddy not exist, he didn't exist a long, long way away from where they were currently located. Not Boy's mom. Oh ho ho noooooo. One day, in the middle of winter, as a storm is heading in, she pretends the car has stalled out and died. They were out in the countryside somewhere, and had come to stop next to a large, dilapidated house, (I think Boy said it was probably abandoned) and informs her children that the car has mysteriously died. Oh, and see that house over there? Yeah, Freddy lives there, so they had better get the car started before he realizes that they are stranded out in his driveway.

The little kids, understandably, Lose. Their. Shit. Mom climbs out, puts up the hood of the car (so now they can't see her, but can still clearly see The House that the Child Killer Built) and pretends to poke at the engine. Miraculously, she "fixes" the problem, and drives triumphantly away. According to Boy, this was so she would be the hero; Mom saved them from Freddy Kruegar!


Boy thinks this story is hilarious, and laughs uproariously as he tells it. After hearing this for the first time I was forced to inform Boy that his mother either didn't want kids or simply didn't like the ones she got. I seriously can't wait to meet this woman; I'll bet if no one was looking she probably would have simply consumed her children when they were infants.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Back From The Abyss! Oh, and Zombie Strippers.

So we have returned from the dark abyss known as the holiday season. But I got lots of swag and managed to spoil my 8 month old nephew so it was a good time.
Hopefully we haven't lost any of you peeps out there. If so, perhaps we could lure you back with cookies?
If not, how about a review of Zombie Strippers?

Will that work?
Come on all, lets ring in the new year with fake titties and gore! Who could ask for anything more?!

I honestly think I'm one of the very few women who wanted to really see this movie. Seriously. I jumped up and down on the couch, grabbed my husband's arm and yelled 'WE HAVE TO SEE THIS!!" to him when I first saw the trailer online. After that moment I was granted the title "best wife ever" which I wear with pride. Unfortunately, we couldn't find a showing of it in our city so we had to wait until DVD. And that moment was last night.

And lemme tell ya, it was one hellava ride!
Here's a taste of the movie if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

The long and short of Zombie Strippers is as follows: The government created a chemical to create super solders. But unfortunately due to a long paragraph of scientific sounding words that really make no sense, it turns people into zombies. The marines are called in to take care of things, one infected escapes, hides out in a strip club then bites Jenna Jameson on the neck during a performance. The infection both kills her and turns her into a super zombie stripper which drive the men folks wild I tells ya! WILD! But lil' Jenna unfortunately has that hunger for human flesh and it creates a bit of chaos as the weeks roll by. Before you know it, we're all sitting on the edge of Armageddon holding paintball guns and trying to guess which breasts are real and which ones were store bought.
This, my friends, was an awesome movie.

Zombie Strippers is pure fun. The cast obviously had a blast making it. The acting was porn star level but what do you expect when you have a porn star as your leading zombie? And to Miss Jameson's credit, she was fantastic. The woman cracked me up. She had no problem playing something mildly disgusting and even poked fun at herself and her porn persona. But of course, for that horror touch of class, Robert Englund elevated this movie from B to all out cult classic. I love this man. He makes what probably would have been a throw away part as the strip club's sleazy yet germophobic owner into a role that completely steals the show.

But the biggest star of this movie was not Englund or Jenna Jameson's boobs but the clown gore. OH THE GLORIOUS CLOWN GORE! There were some fantastic gags in this film. We have a head being torn in half, a peen getting bit off, Jenna Jameson staple gunning her throat back together, a zombie stripper catfight, and probably the funniest joke involving ping-pong and billiard balls ever. And these are just a few of the highlights. CGI was minimal and they relied on good old fashioned makeup and blood effects which just made this movie all the better.

The big question I'm sure is "But Cins, this movie lacks your favorite angry bitches! Wouldn't you be offended by this?" Well, being a woman zombie fan I obviously when into this film for the zombies and not the strippers. But do I have something against boobies? Nope. I have a pair myself. I love my pair. I respect my pair. And if there are women who have no issues showing their pair off on film while rubbing them against a pole, then so be it. Go with God, fair titties! The stripper characters were such cartoons that I found no offence in them at all. Not to mention the men folk were just a dim as the women folk so there was really no "Men are superior and women are only good for their titties!" vibe to it. Surprisingly enough, I found the strippers in Zombie Strippers MUCH less offensive that any of the "dancers" in the movie Showgirls. At least in Zombie Strippers it was played for laughs. Besides, if you rent a movie called Zombie Strippers you should damn well know what you're getting into. So no, I was so not offended one bit. I love crazy camp.

This movie was all kinds of win and awesome. If you like over the top gore, total camp, and complete unapologetic stupidity, put this on your Netflix now.
I do hope they create a sequel... Zombie Male Strippers. That would rule.