Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Sci-Fi Tried to Put It in My Butt.

Triple failure, Sci-Fi Channel. You hear me? TRIPLE FAILURE!

I wasted my Sunday night watching "horror" movies on Sci-Fi, two of them from 2008's 8 Films to Die For Film Festival. As a result I want a time machine so I can have my day back, and a fucking apology.

I watched Lake Dead, Crazy Eights, and The Dark, and I was BETRAYED by all damn three! This REALLY pisses me off because I have notoriously low standards. I mean, rock bottom. I regard the 5$ Bin O' Crap at Halloween to be the source of untapped wonders. I will watch movies like Phantom of the Mall: Erik's Revenge. Over and over. So when you can unleash a stinker that makes even the likes of me recoil from the stank ass waft of your cinematic evil, then RETHINK YOUR FUCKING PROCESS.

Lake Evil: Incest, and lots of it! As a result you get two huge, lumbering inbreds who just really wanna put it in their unknowing blond niece-cousins.

Crazy Eights: really cheesed me off, because it had me until the end, when it existentialled itself to death, credits role. In this one's defense, I might need to watch it again since I got the impression that Sci-Fi made some weird cuts. I'll NetFlix it, but if you cross me again, movie, then I WILL MAKE YOU PAY! It's set in a creepy abandoned hospital/sanitarium setting, which I LOVE, so I'm disappointed as well as sulky.

Third was The Dark, which looked so good initially; it stars Sean "Dear God he's Delicious" Bean and Maria Bello, both actors that I like. It's set in Wales, people speak some Welsh, pretty cool so far! Creepy, sad setting which leads to a creepy, sad event that leads to.. a befuddling, bullshit ending. That of course tried to do a "twist". ANGER.. RISING..!

After it was all said and done and I was grumping off to brush my teeth, the incest story was the best of the lot.

SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE?!

4 comments:

Johnny said...

It's the 8 films to die for, what do you expect?! THEY ALL SUCK ASS!

Bevin said...

Granted, I was alternating between making dinner and doing homework, but of the three, I thought the incest one was the worst by a wide margin, and I found "The Dark" to be fairly interesting. It wasn't a perfect movie, or anything, but I didn't have a problem with the end because I thought it made a kind of narrative sense. There was a clear parallel drawn between Bello's character and the old preacher guy in the flashback. While their methods were different, they both were unable to accept the tragic event in their lives and both were willing to do whatever it took to undo it, despite the consequences. That seemed to be the real danger of the film, being unable to let go (note Bean's character's example for contrast) and through that, allowing something unnatural to be someplace it shouldn't. Both of them are punished for their arrogance in the end. That's what I got out of it, anyway.

Metal Mikey said...

I agree with Johnny. If I can say that only TWO of the past two years worth of "8 Films to Die For" are even remotely WATCHABLE, then that's not saying a lot.

... But at least you weren't stuck watching "Nightmare Man".

Cins said...

If the movie is on Sci-Fi there about an 80% chance its going to suck balls. I wish they would stop wasting their money onf films and keep making good series...or at least try to bribe Fox into getting the rights to Firefly...ahem. Thats for another blog all together.
Though I can say, I give them credit for showing me to Phatasam for the first time. I really should watch it unedited.

M&M And Johnny> We could rename the festival "8 Movies to Die From".