Why the Unborn Sucked

This WILL contain spoilers.



Obviously I'm not hiding my opinion of the film in the title here.
I saw the movie in the theater a while back. It was matinee priced and I had to kill time while I waited for my car to get serviced....and a showing of My Bloody Valentine 3D wasn't for another hour or so.
Now don't get me wrong, The Unborn wasn't on par with The Forsaken or Exorcist: The Beginning with it's suckery. It really hasn't earned that rant. The Unborn actually had a LOT of potential to be great. But it pissed it down the toilet and was just a boring film about Odette Yustman's butt cheeks in white panties. I'm sure that appeals to a demographic and that's cool. I just don't happen to be in that demographic.

To bring you up to speed, The Unborn is a film about a young woman named Casey (Yustman) who we find out was supposed to have a twin brother. He never made it out of the womb. Well the unborn twin was possessed by an evil spirit and that evil spirit is ready to be born and is planning on using Casey. Many bizarre plot twists and pantie shots follow.

There were two things about The Unborn that were promising . 1- a great back story 2-A different approach to movie exorcism. Otherwise, the movie is what you'd expect it to be. A series of cheep scares, Somewhat interesting imagery but nothing you haven't seen in The Ring, mediocre acting, and a lead actress with a fabulous hiney.
The back story actually goes all the way to WWII where this spirit has been pursuing twin siblings for a way out into the world. There is a flashback from one of the characters, Sofi, who happens to be Jewish. She speaks about how in WWII her twin brother and her were taken by the Nazi's and experimented on. During the experiments, the brother died then mysteriously came back. Its implied he killed all the Nazi soldiers in the camp they were held in. Sofi comes to the realization that her brother has been possessed. This demon pops up again with Casey's mom, then finally with Casey. Now see, if the movie was just about that back story I would have ate it up. But unfortunately we are only exposed to this interesting story in one flashback scene.
I also liked that they approached exorcism from the Jewish viewpoint. Ever since The Exorcist, we've only seen the Catholic side of things. Diving into Jewish mysticism and the Jewish religion in a horror film was refreshing. And it could have once again been awesome if it was more focused. But it felt tacked on in an attempt to be different and give Gary Oldman something to do. Why was Gary Oldman even IN this movie? They barely used him and didn't even use him in a good way. I mean come on...Gary Freakin' Oldman should have something to do other than play a mildly shocked rabbi who pops in during the last 20 minutes.

I really do wonder if the writer of The Unborn had a completely different screenplay written then was pushed around by the studio to make it into the next teen thing. Because it did have moments of creativity. Unfortunately The Unborn's greatest crime was it was boring. I don't even have more to write about because it was so dang boring and unmemorable.
And not even Odette Yusman's supple ass could save that.

Things in the Night.

I currently have the plague. I slept until about 2:30 this afternoon, finally driven out of bed by my aching hips and the need for food as well as a few errands that simply didn't care that I am currently on death's door. Cins has been charged with avenging my untimely death, so wherever Typhoid Mary is, she's going down. I've seen Cins mad-- it's scary.

In order to distract myself from, you know, death, I decided to make a pointless list of things that scare me. I would love it if youse guys reading this would contribute, too! This also saves me from reading The Analects of Confucius, which I have to write a paper on. I wonder if I could get an extension if I died?

Now, I'm not talking the obvious scares here-- you know, loss of loved ones, that kind of thing. I'm talking the heart-clenching, bolt up-right in the bed kind of irrational terror that we all carry around. The kinda stuff you should have shucked before puberty and just never got around to doing.

In no particular order:

Basking sharks. I don't know why, other than that some part of my brain screams in a tiny, high voice that NOTHING should be able to open its mouth that wide. I have a recurring daymare where I envision getting accidentally sucked into its maw, and I can't get out. I'm trapped in a slippery, horrible pink hell that touches me all over. Urgh.

Public toilets. Another one I have no explanation for, other than vulnerability issues, I guess? I hate hate hate the bathroom at the local Red Lobster and refuse to go in there alone, no matter how full my bladder, because I am firmly, irrationally convinced that something unkind is watching me. Makes it hard to pee. I also have these horrible fantasies that come to me when I'm trying to pee in an unknown public bathroom-- what would I do if these dirty, bare feet staggered up to my stall door and just stood there? Maybe there is horrible, ragged, pained breathing as well? What do I do? Do I hope it goes away? Do I make a sound? Why am I convinced that it'll be upon me if I make a single noise?

The abandoned (?) camper trailer on the other side of my fence. There is a horrible, beat up old camper that someone dumped, just on the other side of the privacy fence that encircles my backyard. I have dubbed it "the rape trailer", and have never been able to get a straight answer from my landlady about ownership of said assault mobile. I have a hard time checking the mail at night as a result of that damn thing.

Something lurking either in my closet or under my bed. I am almost 32 years old, for fuck's sake, and I'm still convinced half the time that scaly, cold claws are going to clamp around my ankles and drag me under the bed some night when I have my guard down. I'm also convinced that if I go to sleep with my closet door open, I will awake to find something malevolent watching me sleep. I'm afraid something like Narnia will happen, only it'll be to the dimension that the Event Horizon jumped to in the movie of the same name. No prancing fauns for me; no, instead I get barbed wire piercings.

I have also learned that a quiet, metallic click in the middle of a sleep-muffled night will wake me up better than my alarm clock. It's even worse if the cats wake up, too.

Scissors, opening and closing in the dark. I think my heart would actually fail if I had to go into a blackened room with no sounds other than those emerging. There is nothing good that can come from that noise, in that setting.

I shall close this now, before more of my psychoses makes themselves known to the world. Also, I need to go barf up a lung. Please share what scares you so that I can feel better and we can all cruelly laugh at one another.

And now for something COMPLETELY different!

So the other day at work someone mentioned to me about our offices going green.
You know, getting environmentally sound.
Reuse, reduce, recycle.
What could we do to make our offices more environmentally efficient?

...All I could think of was this.

....and this.

I really don't understand how my brain works.

A Twilight Rant.

I'll warn those of you looking for a good laugh at this title's expense: you're not going to find it here.

I love Twilight. I absolutely fell in love with the books; I only started reading them because my friend Malinda was nagging me to. I expected to not get much out of them as I'm really not all that into the vampire thing, but figured I'd make it up in trade by having something I could make fun of Malinda for liking, as we have a mutually abusive friendship. She's never forgiven me for making her watch Vamp, and I still find it endlessly hilarious that Ghosts of Mars scared her. We both hated Skeleton Key, I've never forgiven her for making me see Cabin Fever in the theater. She loves making fun of me because I love reading romance novels.

To my shock, I enjoyed the book, immensely, and the next day had to go get the next two, which I read in two days. I read all four books and the unfinished fifth in a week; it would have been shorter but I spent a day in Seattle seeing The Phantom of the Opera at the Paramount. I was stunned; I had expected something irritating, and instead lucked into a story that I had absolutely no problem being consumed by. I read them again and again, and since school is in session, I got the audio books so I could listen to them on the way to class when I wanted to. (As as aside, audio books are GREAT for a college student; I can listen to a book on the way to class and not feel guilty for not doing my school reading.)

I know not everyone got the same reaction to Twilight that I did; I specifically told my roommate not to try to read them, because I knew they were not to her taste, and this story was something special to me. She totally understood; she feels the same way about the Jack Fleming Vampire Files books by P. N Elrod, a great series. Bevin's not a romantic; I am. I'm friends with several people who tried the first Twilight book, and found it not to their liking, and that's cool. They tried it, didn't like it, and got the fuck on with their lives.

Then the horror community became aware of the series.

Holy shit people, really? I'm a moron because I quietly enjoyed a story? I'm not a true horror fan because I like Edward Cullen and Bella Swan? It's stupid, poorly written story, simply because you decreed it? What's that? You never actually read it, you just heard some people make fun of it and decided you wanted to be like the cool kids, so maybe if you made fun of the quiet kid you'd be cool too?

Fuck you. Fuck you hard, long, and painfully. I'm not a screaming fan girl. I only talk about the books to people of a like mind. I don't want anything to do with the rabid fan base because guess what? I don't want anything to do with ANY rabid fan base. I also loved reading Heart Shaped Box, House of Leaves, Carmilla, Ghost Story, To Kill a Mockingbird, Harry Potter, Hellboy, Wuthering Heights, Pride and Prejudice as well as Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Coraline and about a million other titles. See how I'm not just one thing?

I'm trying really hard to remain concise and cool, and it's hard, really really hard. I'm a volatile person by nature, so when my feelings get hurt, as they have been repeatedly, by people I don't even KNOW, I tend to want to lash out and hurt back. My inner middle school girl is occasionally dangerously close to the surface of my emotional well. But do you get that it's complete and utter bullshit to pigeon hole a person based solely on the fact that they liked some books?

If you tried these books and hated them, fine. That's fair, because at least you gave it a try. But do not, DO NOT imply that I am mentally deficient simply because I enjoyed something you did not. Do not imply that I am in anyway lacking because I read a story and found it to my liking. Do not insult me because I am different than you. Haven't you ever been treated with condescension simply because you mentioned that you liked some form of horror movie? Did you like it when someone implied that you didn't have a true grasp on cinema because you liked A Nightmare on Elm Street, or Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or whatever title of choice you gravitate to? Then don't do it to someone else.

A lot of horror fans decry Twilight because the vampire myth was changed. Guess what: it's been changed before. It'll be changed again. And honestly, the original idea was, for me, getting stale. Don't give me that "she's a cheeseburger to him, that's all!" crap. Guess what: I'd have a hard fucking time eating a steak if a cow asked me not to. I can't eat octopus anymore because I found out they're so much smarter than I thought they were! It pisses me off, too; I really liked octopus. It's not outside the realms of believability that a vampire somewhere, somehow, would like to not eat a person, would still have a conscious. I'm a romantic; it's not hard for me to believe that somehow a vampire could fall in love, if still in possession of all of his emotions.

Don't agree? That's fine; this is myth. Make up your own version and run with it. Do I think all vampire stories should be emotionally driven? Not at all. I haven't seen 30 Days of Night, but I want to, because I've heard the monsters in it are absolutely terrifying in their lack of humanity, and complete absence of mercy. That's why I want to see it. I love to be scared, and I love the grotesque beauty that you can find in horror films. But just because something has a fucking vampire in it does not mean it must be cover to cover with ripped out throats, blood smeared faces, and obligatory lipstick lesbian tendencies the minute you're bit.

If I hear one more smug, self-righteous asshole start in on the "Hurr! Sparkly vampires! Huuurrr!!" bit yet again, I will be moved to violence. If you read the fucking story you would learn there is a reason behind that, other than "it's pretty". I love that people who have absolutely no problem enjoying stories about a roller skating mutant who can take sound and make it into light have all decided collectively that a story about two lonely people meeting is JUST TOO MUCH! How dare she?? HOW DARE STEPHANIE MEYER TELL HER OWN STORY THAT SHE CAME UP WITH ALONE?! DO you see how fucking STUPID this attitude is?

Don't read the story if it's not your speed. Don't read it if you think you're going to hate it. That's great, not everything is for you. I personally get virtually nothing out of science fiction or fantasy books, with the exception of Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman's stuff. But I don't assume that everyone who likes Lord of the Rings is somehow less of a person than I am. I don't sneer at my friend because he likes the Dune series.

I'm really stressed out lately. I'm a full time, non-traditional student, I work a LOT, I've had a friendship apparently end very abruptly with someone that I assumed I was probably going to name one of my kids after, and with no word from her on why. None of my close friends read these books, with the exception of Malinda, and she's both pregnant and far away. You will, I'm sure, pardon me if I've about had it with everyone around me shitting on one of the few things that can help me relax, and makes me happy.

EDIT:These are my feelings, not Cins.

News FLASH! Thanksgiving a Full Movie?!

Eli Roth to film a full length version of Thanksgiving?!

"Roth said that after he shoots his untitled sci-fi blockbuster, he’ll get back to his roots by filming “the sickest, bloodiest, most violent slasher movie,” he said of the “Thanksgiving” flick inspired by the holiday-themed horror classics of the ‘80s. “I want to make the highest body count slasher film I can.” "

Well that's what the article on MTV Movies Blog says.

I do hope my little pocket gore hound does film it and that this isn't some crazy rumor. I think it would be a hilarious film as long as it stays tongue in cheek. Its a fine line to walk when trying to make a good horror comedy. Knowing Roth it will be more horror and less comedy but I am curious if he plans to stick with the original spirit of the GrindHouse trailer. He strikes me as the type who likes to have fun with his films so I really believe this one could be a winner...or at least a really fun train wreck.

And according to that article, he's also working on a top secret big budget monster film. I'm not usually a fan of Eli Roth movies (though I do love his personality, his fast knowledge of the horror genre, and the fact that he appears to be pocket sized) but I really like the idea of him slipping out of his little gore niche and trying a monster film.
I am EXTREMELY curious.
Intrigue me further Mr. Roth. You have my attention.

And even though we've all seen it...its always worth a second look because its awesome.

Today's good movies are brought to you by the letter D!

Yeah, its been quite here.
Between Stac finishing up finals and me in the middle of house hunting its been a touch busy in the world outside the interwebs. But as usual, this too shall pass!

But until then, here's a couple of recommendations to sling at you from the movie world!


Doomsday

Its technically not a horror film but it does have lots of gore and zombies. That has to count for something, right? I saw this a while back and I've been wanting to mention it but kept getting sidetracked. Doomsday is an awesome film about the post Apocalypse. A deadly virus has swept most of Scotland turning it into a zombie wasteland. So they quarantined it. About 15 years later the virus is popping up in England. So they have to send in a special team back into Scotland in an attempt to find some form of cure. We quickly find out that during this time in isolation, Scotland has been taken over by soccer hooligans and a local chapter of the SCA. Car chases, encounters with a guy in the gimp suit, and lots of shit blowing up ensues.
The team is headed by the incredibly awesome and bad ass Eden Sinclair (Rhona Mitra). She is going on my list of angry bitches. Probably somewhere in the top ten. How can you not love a woman who takes out her fake eye to use as a spy camera? And a big scene stealer is Craig Conway as Sol, the head of the cannibalistic hooligans who are ruling the urban dwellings of Scotland. His entrance alone is enough to make you want to bounce in your seat in cheesy glee.
The movie is extremely over the top. People don't just chew the scenery. They chew it, spit it out, then attempt to hump its half masticated leg. But that is what makes Doomsday so much fun. It does get a bit slow when our heroes end up in a medieval castle. Luckily the sequence is quick and its back to the insanity. There are some wonderful action sequences including an intense car chase that puts Death Proof to shame and a very unconventional Barbecue/Rave/Riot moment that pretty much sets the tone for the film. Definitely worth a look.



The Devil's Backbone
This is what Guilermo del Toro said was the "prequel" to Pan's Labyrinth. While its not a direct prequel and the stories are not directly related you can definitely see the similarities. I would consider the two movies to be book ends. Pan's Labyrinth is for girls while The Devil's Backbone is for boys...roughly speaking.
The movie follows the story of Carlos who is taken to a boy's home during the Spanish Civil war after his father was killed. There he encounters the ghost of a boy named Santi who was killed by someone at the boys home. Carlos gets wrapped up in the mystery of who killed Santi as well as a lot of other things that happen to him and the boys in the orphanage.
While I don't think its as tight a story as Pan's Labyrinth its still a fantastic film full of great characters, creepy ghosts, and some wonderful acting. It really book ends Pan's Labyrinth well with the theme of growing up during the Spanish Civil War. But where Pan's Labyrinth was more fantasy based, The Devil's Backbone has its roots more in horror. Plus the ghost imagry is amongst some of the creepiest and beautiful I have ever seen in film. This film is definitely worth a look at.




Dance of the Dead
Stac already did a write up of this and everything she said I completely second! So this will be short.
If her review hasn't convinced you to see it, perhaps BOTH of us screaming "WATCH THIS MOVIE, DAMNIT!" will light a fire under your hinder. This is one of the best horror comedies since Shaun of the Dead. If only my prom was as awesome. Prombies rule.

Cin's Top 10 Horror Comedy Faves

Horror comedies. I love em....correction. I love not lame ones. Horror comedies were what eased me into a the horror movie genre when I first began to show interest aka, the chickenshit years. I figured that if I could laugh while I was watching a horror movie, I wouldn't feel so scared. Granted, that not always the case but the illusion of not feeling the need to wee my pants in fright did introduce me to a genre I love.

So I have my little list here. I love lists. They just make article writing so easy for me. Its ten because I could only think of ten at the time. But I'm sure some of you will say "But what about this!?" and remind me of some awesome gem out there I have completely forgotten. In fact, I had to change this list from five to ten BECAUSE I thought of awesome gems while writing this article.

As my usual disclaimer, this isn't the end all be all list of all lists. This is just my personal opinion...which will probably change after the "but what about this!?" comments start rolling in. I'm a fickle mistress.

Yes Stac, I still have to see Dance of the Dead. Its on the cue!!!

Poltrygiest is on the list too.

So, on with the show.

10-Frankenhooker
"WANNA DATE?!?!" I love her voice. I don't know why, but I crack up laughing at the sound of her WAY too loud Jersey accented voice. Honestly, the movie could have sucked but still had the scene of her walking stiff knee-ed down the street screaming "WANNA DATE!?!" and I still would have enjoyed it. Frankenhooker is fantastically low budget, weird, and so completely over the top you can't believe where it goes. Two words. Super Crack.

9-Black Sheep
Ware-sheep. Need I say more? Black Sheep is more comedy than horror but its grotesque gore and strange mutations of sheeple do push it over into the horror realm. Its the only movie I've seen that could make a still shot of a sheep look menacing. I don't know how they do it. The music? The angle? Who knows but that sheep looked pissed! Not to mention the countless amount of sheep fucker jokes that kept me giggling. I'm easily amused.

8- House
I'm sure I'm one of the few that actually remember this movie. I saw it WAY back in the day when I was in sixth grade. My friends were horror fans and I was a big chicken. But I LOVED House. It was that great combination of goofy/scary that attracted me as a kid. Yes, the house was haunted but it was haunted in an almost infantile way. I think my favorite part of the film was when our hero was chasing around an undead hand that decided to go rogue and hitch a ride on the back of the little toddler he was watching over. It pretty much ended in a flush down the toilet. It was so hilariously grotesque. And thus, the fascination with the morbid began in me. Funny how it always starts in the weirdest ways.

7- Undead
Undead was a film I randomly picked up at Blockbuster. I was actually expecting a serious zombie film. Boy was I wrong. Undead is an extremely silly film full of bizarre sight gags and some absurd humor. From the undead fish, to the aliens saying "oh sorry, my bad" about the zombie uprising, to the kung-fu fisherman, the movie just goes where ever it pleases and really doesn't give a damn about where it takes its audience. Its completely unapologetic in is wackiness. You have to love that in a movie.

6-Dead Alive
Peter Jackson is a sick son of a bitch. I think that's why I love the man. I do wonder if Academy voters saw Dead Alive and Meet the Feebles before giving him that Oscar. I wonder if they plan to take it back after they see them. This movie has some of my all time favorite clown gore ever. The old lady slowly decaying into her soup, the lawn mower massacre, and these are just TWO of the many countless gags in the film. Jackson really paces himself with this one. It starts out slow, almost serious. For a while there he has you going. Then as the movie goes on, weirder moments are introduced, then more...then more. And before you know it you're in the middle of a circus of terror and laughing your ass off as the ring master spanks you. Also, Dead Alive has one of the best movie lines ever written. Seriously. I use "I Kick Ass For The Lord!" often in real life. Try it sometime. If you work customer service, just tell it to that annoying jerk who is demanding a discount he is not entitled to. It will change your life...really.

5-Tremors
What I like about Tremors is that it came out during a rather dry horror period. At the time it was all slasher flicks and chiller thrillers. Tremors gave us a fun old fashioned monster movie. Not just a monster movie, but a monster movie where our two heroes just weren't that bright. Well okay, I take that back. They were morons but they're not the usual monster fair of scientists and soldiers. Nope. Just two redneck bastards that like to blow things up. What was so fun about Tremors was not only a fantastic monster but some really fun characters. I always feel that's a good key to a horror film, having characters you actually LIKE in there. The chemistry between Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward is what made it so charming. You couldn't help but love those two bastards. Also, Tremors probably had the best Monster Exploding scene ever. I mean wow. We're talking orange goo and guts EVERYWHERE and not in a cool way but in a "AAH! ITS IN MY SHOES!!" sort of way.

4-Army of Darkness
No horror comedy list is complete without Army of Darkness. Granted, its another one that leans more toward comedy than horror but who cares? This movie gave us the Ash we know and love! Army of Darkness combines the undead with a iconic character in a fantastic setting. Sometimes it gets a little slapsticky but watching Ash get so outraged and frustrated is part of his charm. Not to mention what better villain to fight Ash than evil Ash? Am I right? huh?!

Yes, I love Ash.

3-Slither
So, aliens have invaded right? They 're little wormy things that take over the minds of humans. But do they go to a major city? Nah..they're going to start in some shitty Redneck, back water, town were the people have a raging kegger when deer hunting season opens. This is the awesomeness of Slither. I'm usually in the minority but I absolutely love Slither. I suppose you can chalk it up to Nathan Fillion being in the movie. I'm a Firefly fan so it comes with the territory. But the deadpan delivery of his lines in the face of doom and chaos is hysterical. What I find so funny about Slither are people's reactions. There is no dramatic screaming, crying terror, or dramatic revelations. Nope, There is massive swearing and shooting which is probably how I'd react if I knew how to handle a firearm (a problem my husband plans on rectifying this year.).

2-Evil Dead II
Evil Dead was pure horror. Army of Darkness was pure comedy. In the middle was Evil Dead II. The more I watch the trilogy, the more I'm feeling like this one is my favorite. Bruce Campbell was just starting to get into the swing of Ash, As you watch the movie, you see him develop into the one liner spouting, swaggering, boom stick toting, bad ass we've all grown to adore. And I love watching that transition. Evil Dead II not only has great comedy like Ash fighting his own hand, and awesome sequences like the birth of the chainsaw arm, but truly creepy moments that get under your skin. Sam Rami is a master at that. Evil Dead II has a pitch perfect blend of comedy and horror that really set the bar for future horror comedies. And its pretty hard to beat. I'm sure many of you are getting the fresh tar and feathers ready for me for not making this one #1.

1- Shaun of the Dead
THIS is my all time favorite Horror Comedy. Hands down. I still have yet to find a movie to surpass it. I caught Shaun of the Dead in the theaters. I was expecting a parody of a zombie film; all laughs and silliness and not much else. I was dead wrong. Shaun of the Dead was actually intense! It was not a parody but a loving homage to the zombie genre. Shaun of the Dead was more than just a horror film, it was a character driven comedy. The characters were so appealing and so real that you felt for them the entire movie. It made the absurd moments funnier and the scary moments more frightening. Simon Pegg was perfect as our average Joe lead. His stupid decisions as a man made his triumphs as a zombie killer/leader fulfilling to the viewer. You wanted Shaun to survive, save his friends, and get the girl. Not to mention the fantastic gags in the beginning mimicking the daily rat race as zombie like. God, I've been there. Shaun of the Dead is one of those movies I can watch over and over and I never get bored with it. The script is tight, the jokes are fresh, the characters are appealing, and the zombies are all full of zom! This is my #1 pick.

Runner Up!- Fido
The reason this isn't in the list is because I think of it as a pure comedy that happens to be about zombies as opposed to a horror comedy. Its not a scary film but it IS a brilliant film! Fido turns the typical zombie genre on it ear, making it akin to a Lassie movie. I love the picture perfect 1950's world it paints and Billy Conelly is brilliant as Fido. This movie is in a class all its own.

So there be my picks! Have any recommendations to lay on me? Lay em on me! I'm always in the mood for a good Horror Comedy. And I'm sure there are a ton out there I never even seen yet.