Movies to Get Drunk By...

I'll admit it, I want to have a drunken Wicker Man party.
And not the original GOOD version. OH no no no. I want to use the new Nick Cage version.

Yes, this movie was god awful. The story went nowhere, the acting was melodramatic, and the scares were Nil. But I still want to have a drunken Wicker Man party.
Why? I think this little video will sum it up enough.



Three things: Bicycle, Bear Suit, and Karate kicking Leelee Sobieski.
If that isn't hilarious on its own sober then imagine the insanity after a few rum and cokes?

So lets open this to discussion folks. What god awful horror movie would you choose to watch completely wasted?

I'll be planning the drunken Wicker Man party for this summer. Just FYI...

Chainsaw Waltz

I purchased The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 yesterday. Expect a review of it, and soon, as I have never seen this before.

Mawwwwwwahahhahaaaaaaaaa..

Monster in my Closet - Top 10 Favorite Monsters

I suppose what I classify as monsters and what other people classify as monsters can be different.
What I consider a monster is something that's inhuman in appearance. So Freddy, Jason, Pinhead...Love you guys but you're not scary monsters. I would put you more in the category of Scary Assholes.
But Scary Assholes in a list for another day.
Today I plan to talk about my favorite weirdies that don't tend to walk on two legs or say much. The gooey, the scaly, the over sized, and possibly phallic looking. These are my top ten favorite monsters.
Hang on Folks! This should be fun!

10-Godzilla

I know I know. He's really not that scary. He's a small Japanese man in a rubber suit. Well your adult brain knows that and my adult brain knows that. But once upon a time my adult brain was a child's brain...
Not ONE word out of you Stac! Not one word!
ANYWAY, I used to be terrified by the walking rubber lizard as a child. I'm sure you're all coming to the conclusion that pretty much anything terrified me as child. I own up to all the claims of my chicken shittery as a little girl. I used to have nightmares that Godzilla would come stomping down onto my house and kill my family and everything I held dear. I mean he wasn't very considerate of other people's property after all. We lived in a flight path for a lot of jets when I was a kid. Whenever I heard a sonic boom I thought "That's it! Godzilla is commin! Under the table everyone!"...It got old after a while and I was forbidden from watching Godzilla movies until the 6th grade.

9-The Creature from the Black Lagoon

There's just not enough love for ol' Goonie here. This was the first real monster movie I saw when I was little. Goonie didn't scare me actually. And you'd figure he would considering Godzilla made me want to wee in my underroos. I really had no clue what the film was about. I figured that he was just a misunderstood fish that wanted to help that poor lady when she was swimming. Besides, her human boyfriend was a douche and Goonie could breathe under water and had webbed toes. To an eight year old, that totally wins.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon became an imaginary friend for me for a little while. I would have little girl fantasies of us having tea parties. There was a specific order of seating at these tea parties, To the left was Shani my Cabbage Patch Kid, to the right was Tim the teddy bear. Goonie would sit across from me and we would exchange stories about the weather, food, and My Little Pony. Believe it or not, he has impeccable table manners.

8-The Blob (from the original The Blob)

Another childhood monster love. The blob was a sandwich bag of stomach acid. And while you didn't see anything graphic since this movie was made back in the day were cleavage was considered unholy, my child brain once again filled in the blanks. So yeah, I saw all the flesh melting horror in my mind way before the remake came out.
The thing that freaked me out most about the blob was it could pretty much go anywhere. Close the door? It comes under it. Bar the windows? It will come through the vent. Other than a submarine, there really wasn't any place you could hide from it. To this day, I still can't eat Jello. Perhaps its an undying fear that the Jello may eat me back?...or perhaps I think Jello is nasty.

7-Pumpkin Head

The only reason Pumpkin head is on this list is because he looks like a cross between a penis and a golden raisin. And that's really all I need to feel unsettled.

6-The wormy things from Slither

Did these things have names? I don't remember if they did. I just called them the wormy things. It was a tough to choose between this and the Grant monster but the wormies one. I loved watching them work. They are another monster than can get to you just about anywhere. They're definitely small enough. Night of the Creeps inspired these little buggers but I felt Slither did them better. They're bloody, they're gooey, they're completely relentless...and they're kinda cute. I plan to make my own wormy thing someday using one of those water wiggle toys and possibly lots of latex. Why? Because this is America!

5-Grey Children from Silent Hill

Seriously...What the fuck?
These guys were only in one scene in the movie and they scared the Hell out of me! Okay, judging by the photo, they look a bit goofy. But imagine; you've just woken up in a place you don't know, everything is dark, things are smelling weird and there's a half eaten guy hanging on the wall next to you. The next thing you know there is this little grey midget grabbing your arm and SCREAMING at you! Why? You don't know! He's just screaming like a fucking howler monkey in your face! Then all his little smokey grey midget friends come shambling in and want to be your friend...by tearing your limbs off!
Its kind of like teaching kindergarten.

4-The Creeper from Jeepers Creepers

Jeepers Creepers infuriates me. And I do not hide my rage for it. WHY does it make me so mad? Because it had so much potential to be brilliant! Apparently halfway through the film the producer's hack sack playing, pot smoking, college drop cousin took over the film because after a fantastic beginning it all goes to fuck in a fuck basket full of dildos!
Regardless that this movie makes me so angry, it had a great monster. The Creeper was just that, CREEPY. You never knew what he was, what he was doing, or why he was doing it. But once he got his sites on you, you were doomed. Combine that with his freaky way of sniffing things and licking car windows? Yeah...he's not one I'd invite to my tea party. And the fact that he was such an interesting monster makes me angry all over again! Damn you Jeepers Creepers!

3-The Thing
The Thing is all about paranoia. We're not even sure what it looks like other than gooey. What I love so much about the thing is that it could be anyone. It could be your dog, your grandma, ANYONE. You're so tired of being suspicious that once you finally put your guard down for one second, it attacks. It also made Wilford Brimley go bat shit crazy and that is just plain awesome to watch.




2-Cloverfield

Yeah yeah, laugh at me all you want but I truly love the design of the Cloverfield monster. I loved how it moved, I love how it sounded, and I loved how is just decimated New York. It made me happy inside. And not only did you get one giant rampaging monster, you get thousands of little tiny bastard monsters that live on its back! Its like buying a monster value pack at Walmart!
I have been longing to own a plushie of Cloverfield. I have friends who said they'd try to make one but alas, I have no Cloverfield to curl up with at night. And it makes me sad. *sigh*

1-The Xenomorph from the Alien Series
Oh H.R. Giger, how I love you. Only you would created this walking Freudian nightmare. The Xenomorph is really the only monster that ever got under my skin after the age of 10. When I was in high school I used to have nightmares about these things. They would be infesting my garage or attic and the only thing I would have to fight them off would be a broom. Yeah, I was screwed.
Xenomorph here is an exquisitely designed monster. Every stage of this thing is made to terrorize you. At birth, it rapes your face. At adolesence, it bursts through your chest violently. And at adulthood it kills you mercilessly or takes you back to its nest to start the cycle of horror all over again. And visually it is stunning. You're scared of it but you just can't stop looking at it. Its elegant and streamlined and almost beautiful in a grotesque way. Xeno makes it to #1

And there you have it. My top ten favorite scary monsters of all time.
Next up? my top ten favorite scary Assholes of all time!

All Work and No Play Make Cindy Go Crazy...

I'll be posting an article up here that actually is entertaining soon.
But until then? Check this shit out!

Ever wondered what Jack Torrance's Book was about?
WONDER NO MORE!

Looks like Jackie Boy has finished his novel and put it up for sale on the interwebs.I bet its quite the heart warming story as well.

I stumbled onto this link randomly and laughed my ass off. Be sure to hit the book preview for that maximum feeling of someone having WAY too much time on their hands.
I'm really tempted to pick this sucker up...or make my own because that's how I've been feeling lately.
*twitch*
Umm...nothing to see here!
Where's my ax?

Domestication. Like a Black Widow.

I have something to share:

I am knitting a Halloween blanket. For me. On my bed. In January.

That is all.

The simplicity of 1408

The hubby and I were flipping through the channels tonight and landed on Showtime. They were showing 1408. He turned to me and said "I'm surprised you haven't written an article on this".
I'm surprised too actually.
I believe 1408 is brilliant film. Brilliant because of its simplicity.

I caught this in the theater with some friends/fellow ghost story fans. I was interested in this movie from the beginning but I wasn't sure what to expect. Stephan King is hit or miss with me. Frankly I find his stories come across better in mini series form since they can be so long and involved. Luckily this was one of his short stories which translate far better to film. Still, I was skeptical. After all, I did see Sleepwalkers.
On the other hand, Mr. King is a master of the Mind Fuck. The Shinning, Apt Pupil, and The Dead Zone are three movies of his that are top notch. Of course you could probably credit a lot of that to the film makers as much as to Stephen King but without a decent story, you don't have much. So this movie could have gone either way for me. Luckily it went towards the positive. Three main things made this movie stand out for me, its visuals, its story, and its acting.
This movie came out during the onslaught of torture porn. The big films where Hostel, the Saw series, and a variety of other movies trying to jump on the bloody band wagon. 1408 was the complete opposite. The film was simple. A skeptic locks himself in a hotel room and crazy shenanigans happen. That's pretty much it. There were no long gore scenes, no boobies (which may be up for debate amongst some of you as a good thing), and no flashy special effects. The film reminded me of the 1963 The Haunting. Creepy sounds, lighting, and camera angles along with very simple special effects made 1408 feel grounded in reality. There are times when I am alone in the house and I think "Wouldn't it be freaky if that door opened on its own? Or if that radio turned on by itself?". Scary ghostly things are simple and eerie. A window opening on its own or a clock radio turning on to the same song over and over are things that could happen in your own home Granted, there was some CGI but it was minimal. Just enough to make you blink and think twice about what you saw. You don't even see the rooms previous victims other than quick glimpses. Just enough to make your imagination fill in the horrible blanks.


Story wise it was structured great. The story was simple letting the characters, or character actually, be as complicated as it needed to be. The story and the character worked hand in hand. The more crazy things the room did, the more we learned about our protagonist, Mike. Character stories in many movies, not just horror, can sometimes feel tacked on. Here the story line and the character back story worked in perfect harmony, making Mike's nightmare more personal. And it made the fact that he's an asshole more understandable, maybe not excusable but understandable.
Also, you never find out WHY room 1408 is such a fucked up room. There is no explanation, reason, no sudden discovery of the mouth of Hell in the toilet. Its just what Sam Jackson says it is ,"Its an evil fucking room". For me, the uncertain is terrifying. And once again, your imagination starts to fill in the blanks on why the room is so evil. This also leaves a lot of room for mind fuckery. There are no set rules on how this place works therefore you're never safe anywhere. You think you escaped? You feel safe? WRONG! We were just screwing with you. You are trapped and you are doomed. Check out time is noon. Enjoy!


But one great thing that elevated 1408 into a masterpiece for me was the acting. Lets face it folks, our genre doesn't lend itself often to top notch acting. Luckily John Cusack carries the film beautifully. And he has to. A lesser actor in the roll of Mike would have tanked this movie. 95% of the film is Mike alone, reacting to the insanity that is happening around him. Cusack goes from chuckling skeptic, to complete terror, to utter hopelessness, then nihilist bastard effortlessly. None of it seems forced. Not to mention he keeps Mike likable despite the fact that he's kind of a dick. You really feel for him and see the wounded bird behind his gruff and tough exterior. And as the movie goes on, the exterior is torn away ruthlessly and you're left with this broken quivering mass of a man.
And despite the fact that his role was small and that he did Snakes on a Plane (which I own on DVD, I'll admit that) Sam Jackson was just as strong. I find San Jackson to be at his best when he's playing characters like Gerald Olin. He was restrained, elegant, and quietly terrified of room 1408. Some people may think he was under used but I felt he was perfect to set the stage and deliver the facts about the room in a no nonsense tone that made them all the more chilling.

I may be in the minority here, but I truly think 1408 is a masterpiece. Its The Shinning's plucky little brother who isn't afraid to sucker punch you in the gonads. But I've always been a less is more type of girl with my horror, especially with my ghost stories. If you haven't seen 1408, or you feel like checking it out again, take a moment to enjoy its simplicity.

Sci-Fi Tried to Put It in My Butt.

Triple failure, Sci-Fi Channel. You hear me? TRIPLE FAILURE!

I wasted my Sunday night watching "horror" movies on Sci-Fi, two of them from 2008's 8 Films to Die For Film Festival. As a result I want a time machine so I can have my day back, and a fucking apology.

I watched Lake Dead, Crazy Eights, and The Dark, and I was BETRAYED by all damn three! This REALLY pisses me off because I have notoriously low standards. I mean, rock bottom. I regard the 5$ Bin O' Crap at Halloween to be the source of untapped wonders. I will watch movies like Phantom of the Mall: Erik's Revenge. Over and over. So when you can unleash a stinker that makes even the likes of me recoil from the stank ass waft of your cinematic evil, then RETHINK YOUR FUCKING PROCESS.

Lake Evil: Incest, and lots of it! As a result you get two huge, lumbering inbreds who just really wanna put it in their unknowing blond niece-cousins.

Crazy Eights: really cheesed me off, because it had me until the end, when it existentialled itself to death, credits role. In this one's defense, I might need to watch it again since I got the impression that Sci-Fi made some weird cuts. I'll NetFlix it, but if you cross me again, movie, then I WILL MAKE YOU PAY! It's set in a creepy abandoned hospital/sanitarium setting, which I LOVE, so I'm disappointed as well as sulky.

Third was The Dark, which looked so good initially; it stars Sean "Dear God he's Delicious" Bean and Maria Bello, both actors that I like. It's set in Wales, people speak some Welsh, pretty cool so far! Creepy, sad setting which leads to a creepy, sad event that leads to.. a befuddling, bullshit ending. That of course tried to do a "twist". ANGER.. RISING..!

After it was all said and done and I was grumping off to brush my teeth, the incest story was the best of the lot.

SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE?!