Friday, January 23, 2009

Monster in my Closet - Top 10 Favorite Monsters

I suppose what I classify as monsters and what other people classify as monsters can be different.
What I consider a monster is something that's inhuman in appearance. So Freddy, Jason, Pinhead...Love you guys but you're not scary monsters. I would put you more in the category of Scary Assholes.
But Scary Assholes in a list for another day.
Today I plan to talk about my favorite weirdies that don't tend to walk on two legs or say much. The gooey, the scaly, the over sized, and possibly phallic looking. These are my top ten favorite monsters.
Hang on Folks! This should be fun!


I know I know. He's really not that scary. He's a small Japanese man in a rubber suit. Well your adult brain knows that and my adult brain knows that. But once upon a time my adult brain was a child's brain...
Not ONE word out of you Stac! Not one word!
ANYWAY, I used to be terrified by the walking rubber lizard as a child. I'm sure you're all coming to the conclusion that pretty much anything terrified me as child. I own up to all the claims of my chicken shittery as a little girl. I used to have nightmares that Godzilla would come stomping down onto my house and kill my family and everything I held dear. I mean he wasn't very considerate of other people's property after all. We lived in a flight path for a lot of jets when I was a kid. Whenever I heard a sonic boom I thought "That's it! Godzilla is commin! Under the table everyone!"...It got old after a while and I was forbidden from watching Godzilla movies until the 6th grade.

9-The Creature from the Black Lagoon

There's just not enough love for ol' Goonie here. This was the first real monster movie I saw when I was little. Goonie didn't scare me actually. And you'd figure he would considering Godzilla made me want to wee in my underroos. I really had no clue what the film was about. I figured that he was just a misunderstood fish that wanted to help that poor lady when she was swimming. Besides, her human boyfriend was a douche and Goonie could breathe under water and had webbed toes. To an eight year old, that totally wins.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon became an imaginary friend for me for a little while. I would have little girl fantasies of us having tea parties. There was a specific order of seating at these tea parties, To the left was Shani my Cabbage Patch Kid, to the right was Tim the teddy bear. Goonie would sit across from me and we would exchange stories about the weather, food, and My Little Pony. Believe it or not, he has impeccable table manners.

8-The Blob (from the original The Blob)

Another childhood monster love. The blob was a sandwich bag of stomach acid. And while you didn't see anything graphic since this movie was made back in the day were cleavage was considered unholy, my child brain once again filled in the blanks. So yeah, I saw all the flesh melting horror in my mind way before the remake came out.
The thing that freaked me out most about the blob was it could pretty much go anywhere. Close the door? It comes under it. Bar the windows? It will come through the vent. Other than a submarine, there really wasn't any place you could hide from it. To this day, I still can't eat Jello. Perhaps its an undying fear that the Jello may eat me back?...or perhaps I think Jello is nasty.

7-Pumpkin Head

The only reason Pumpkin head is on this list is because he looks like a cross between a penis and a golden raisin. And that's really all I need to feel unsettled.

6-The wormy things from Slither

Did these things have names? I don't remember if they did. I just called them the wormy things. It was a tough to choose between this and the Grant monster but the wormies one. I loved watching them work. They are another monster than can get to you just about anywhere. They're definitely small enough. Night of the Creeps inspired these little buggers but I felt Slither did them better. They're bloody, they're gooey, they're completely relentless...and they're kinda cute. I plan to make my own wormy thing someday using one of those water wiggle toys and possibly lots of latex. Why? Because this is America!

5-Grey Children from Silent Hill

Seriously...What the fuck?
These guys were only in one scene in the movie and they scared the Hell out of me! Okay, judging by the photo, they look a bit goofy. But imagine; you've just woken up in a place you don't know, everything is dark, things are smelling weird and there's a half eaten guy hanging on the wall next to you. The next thing you know there is this little grey midget grabbing your arm and SCREAMING at you! Why? You don't know! He's just screaming like a fucking howler monkey in your face! Then all his little smokey grey midget friends come shambling in and want to be your tearing your limbs off!
Its kind of like teaching kindergarten.

4-The Creeper from Jeepers Creepers

Jeepers Creepers infuriates me. And I do not hide my rage for it. WHY does it make me so mad? Because it had so much potential to be brilliant! Apparently halfway through the film the producer's hack sack playing, pot smoking, college drop cousin took over the film because after a fantastic beginning it all goes to fuck in a fuck basket full of dildos!
Regardless that this movie makes me so angry, it had a great monster. The Creeper was just that, CREEPY. You never knew what he was, what he was doing, or why he was doing it. But once he got his sites on you, you were doomed. Combine that with his freaky way of sniffing things and licking car windows? Yeah...he's not one I'd invite to my tea party. And the fact that he was such an interesting monster makes me angry all over again! Damn you Jeepers Creepers!

3-The Thing
The Thing is all about paranoia. We're not even sure what it looks like other than gooey. What I love so much about the thing is that it could be anyone. It could be your dog, your grandma, ANYONE. You're so tired of being suspicious that once you finally put your guard down for one second, it attacks. It also made Wilford Brimley go bat shit crazy and that is just plain awesome to watch.


Yeah yeah, laugh at me all you want but I truly love the design of the Cloverfield monster. I loved how it moved, I love how it sounded, and I loved how is just decimated New York. It made me happy inside. And not only did you get one giant rampaging monster, you get thousands of little tiny bastard monsters that live on its back! Its like buying a monster value pack at Walmart!
I have been longing to own a plushie of Cloverfield. I have friends who said they'd try to make one but alas, I have no Cloverfield to curl up with at night. And it makes me sad. *sigh*

1-The Xenomorph from the Alien Series
Oh H.R. Giger, how I love you. Only you would created this walking Freudian nightmare. The Xenomorph is really the only monster that ever got under my skin after the age of 10. When I was in high school I used to have nightmares about these things. They would be infesting my garage or attic and the only thing I would have to fight them off would be a broom. Yeah, I was screwed.
Xenomorph here is an exquisitely designed monster. Every stage of this thing is made to terrorize you. At birth, it rapes your face. At adolesence, it bursts through your chest violently. And at adulthood it kills you mercilessly or takes you back to its nest to start the cycle of horror all over again. And visually it is stunning. You're scared of it but you just can't stop looking at it. Its elegant and streamlined and almost beautiful in a grotesque way. Xeno makes it to #1

And there you have it. My top ten favorite scary monsters of all time.
Next up? my top ten favorite scary Assholes of all time!


Metal Mikey said...

That's a decent list, and I should really think about coming up with a counter-list. (Though, just for argument's sake, the Blob above Godzilla? Really?) But I can't deny your number one choice. The xenomorph is one of the most original monster designs ever put to film, and it's still amazing to see it in action.

"Top ten Horror assholes"... I HOPE you're talking about the character-kind. I don't think I need the info on Horror's best anuses. Heh!

Cins said...

*L* Well the list was in terms of what has made a lasting impression on me. For some reason, the blob was a movie that stuck with me for years...thats and its remake was a lot better than Godzilla's, my poor lil lizard.

*lol* Oh now THERE'S an idea!
Actually, I don't think I would enjoy doing research on that.

Anonymous said...

Sadly, I can claim familiarity with only five of those listed. And Godzilla was mostly through MST3K.

I thought the Xenomorph as better in the first movie, where we only got brief glimpses of it. All the better to let your own imagination run free.

And yet, while I can't say he even came close to scaring me, the first time I got to see the Creature from the Black Lagoon was in a theater in it's original 3-D format. Too cool! :D

Stac said...

I agree with all of these, save the blob *shivers*.

I love Creature From the Black Lagoon! I need that one on dvd- even asked for it for Christmas this year. I badly want a poster for my bathroom!

BonesawLtd said...

Where did you get that picture for The Thing? I about died laughing!

If it is yours, I would love to steal it as a pic for our next show. I'm still grinning... can't stop. Every time I see one of those commercials with Brimley in it, I laugh every time he scolds me into checking my insulin. I almost do it even though I don't have Diabetes.

Mike aka Dietrich said...

I totally agree with the Thing. That is by far the greatest sci-fi horror movie of all time! (John Carpenter version) Great line from that movie where they burn the body, and head "melts" off and turns into a spider: "You've gotta be f@#$in kidding me!"

Cins said...

Mythchef>> *L* Well Goonie didn't scare me much either but I DO adore him.

Dietrich>>>Holy Crap! Iron Maiden Dietrich? How did you find the blog dude?!:)
And yes, that is THE BEST like in the Thing!

Bonesaw>> I did indeed make the macro! Use is all you like! I really couldn't resist the urge to macros it.
I swear, Brimley is EXTREMELY pissy in those comercials. You just know that if you didn't check your insulin he'll pop you right upside your ass face, especially if you give him sass.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I admit I'm coming back to this a couple weeks late, but a question occurred to me ...

Would the fish creature from The Host have made the Top 20?

Bluesborn said...

love your list I'm in my 50s and saw Alien when it first came out in the theaters -get this-while tripping on acid.My friend and I didn't know what we were in for! I love the first Alien the most because it's got Giger all over it -the design of the ship is truly otherworldly. I also am a BIG fan of the Jeepers Creepers monster. I love how his wings fold around him like a giant Fruit Bat and how those appendages on his head stick out when he does his pop eyed shriek! spine tingling stuff.Your whole list is spot on in fact.I've also watched Cloverfield at least 7 or 8 times for that awesome city crushing nightmare of a monster.Imagine THAT coming stomping down out of the darkness of space in some awful Lovecraft-like end of all things invasion.Yeesh.