I suppose what I classify as monsters and what other people classify as monsters can be different.
What I consider a monster is something that's inhuman in appearance. So Freddy, Jason, Pinhead...Love you guys but you're not scary monsters. I would put you more in the category of Scary Assholes.
But Scary Assholes in a list for another day.
Today I plan to talk about my favorite weirdies that don't tend to walk on two legs or say much. The gooey, the scaly, the over sized, and possibly phallic looking. These are my top ten favorite monsters.
Hang on Folks! This should be fun!
I know I know. He's really not that scary. He's a small Japanese man in a rubber suit. Well your adult brain knows that and my adult brain knows that. But once upon a time my adult brain was a child's brain...
Not ONE word out of you Stac! Not one word!
ANYWAY, I used to be terrified by the walking rubber lizard as a child. I'm sure you're all coming to the conclusion that pretty much anything terrified me as child. I own up to all the claims of my chicken shittery as a little girl. I used to have nightmares that Godzilla would come stomping down onto my house and kill my family and everything I held dear. I mean he wasn't very considerate of other people's property after all. We lived in a flight path for a lot of jets when I was a kid. Whenever I heard a sonic boom I thought "That's it! Godzilla is commin! Under the table everyone!"...It got old after a while and I was forbidden from watching Godzilla movies until the 6th grade.
9-The Creature from the Black Lagoon
There's just not enough love for ol' Goonie here. This was the first real monster movie I saw when I was little. Goonie didn't scare me actually. And you'd figure he would considering Godzilla made me want to wee in my underroos. I really had no clue what the film was about. I figured that he was just a misunderstood fish that wanted to help that poor lady when she was swimming. Besides, her human boyfriend was a douche and Goonie could breathe under water and had webbed toes. To an eight year old, that totally wins.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon became an imaginary friend for me for a little while. I would have little girl fantasies of us having tea parties. There was a specific order of seating at these tea parties, To the left was Shani my Cabbage Patch Kid, to the right was Tim the teddy bear. Goonie would sit across from me and we would exchange stories about the weather, food, and My Little Pony. Believe it or not, he has impeccable table manners.
8-The Blob (from the original The Blob)
Another childhood monster love. The blob was a sandwich bag of stomach acid. And while you didn't see anything graphic since this movie was made back in the day were cleavage was considered unholy, my child brain once again filled in the blanks. So yeah, I saw all the flesh melting horror in my mind way before the remake came out.
The thing that freaked me out most about the blob was it could pretty much go anywhere. Close the door? It comes under it. Bar the windows? It will come through the vent. Other than a submarine, there really wasn't any place you could hide from it. To this day, I still can't eat Jello. Perhaps its an undying fear that the Jello may eat me back?...or perhaps I think Jello is nasty.
The only reason Pumpkin head is on this list is because he looks like a cross between a penis and a golden raisin. And that's really all I need to feel unsettled.
6-The wormy things from Slither
Did these things have names? I don't remember if they did. I just called them the wormy things. It was a tough to choose between this and the Grant monster but the wormies one. I loved watching them work. They are another monster than can get to you just about anywhere. They're definitely small enough. Night of the Creeps inspired these little buggers but I felt Slither did them better. They're bloody, they're gooey, they're completely relentless...and they're kinda cute. I plan to make my own wormy thing someday using one of those water wiggle toys and possibly lots of latex. Why? Because this is America!
5-Grey Children from Silent Hill
Seriously...What the fuck?
These guys were only in one scene in the movie and they scared the Hell out of me! Okay, judging by the photo, they look a bit goofy. But imagine; you've just woken up in a place you don't know, everything is dark, things are smelling weird and there's a half eaten guy hanging on the wall next to you. The next thing you know there is this little grey midget grabbing your arm and SCREAMING at you! Why? You don't know! He's just screaming like a fucking howler monkey in your face! Then all his little smokey grey midget friends come shambling in and want to be your friend...by tearing your limbs off!
Its kind of like teaching kindergarten.
4-The Creeper from Jeepers Creepers
Jeepers Creepers infuriates me. And I do not hide my rage for it. WHY does it make me so mad? Because it had so much potential to be brilliant! Apparently halfway through the film the producer's hack sack playing, pot smoking, college drop cousin took over the film because after a fantastic beginning it all goes to fuck in a fuck basket full of dildos!
Regardless that this movie makes me so angry, it had a great monster. The Creeper was just that, CREEPY. You never knew what he was, what he was doing, or why he was doing it. But once he got his sites on you, you were doomed. Combine that with his freaky way of sniffing things and licking car windows? Yeah...he's not one I'd invite to my tea party. And the fact that he was such an interesting monster makes me angry all over again! Damn you Jeepers Creepers!
The Thing is all about paranoia. We're not even sure what it looks like other than gooey. What I love so much about the thing is that it could be anyone. It could be your dog, your grandma, ANYONE. You're so tired of being suspicious that once you finally put your guard down for one second, it attacks. It also made Wilford Brimley go bat shit crazy and that is just plain awesome to watch.
Yeah yeah, laugh at me all you want but I truly love the design of the Cloverfield monster. I loved how it moved, I love how it sounded, and I loved how is just decimated New York. It made me happy inside. And not only did you get one giant rampaging monster, you get thousands of little tiny bastard monsters that live on its back! Its like buying a monster value pack at Walmart!
I have been longing to own a plushie of Cloverfield. I have friends who said they'd try to make one but alas, I have no Cloverfield to curl up with at night. And it makes me sad. *sigh*
1-The Xenomorph from the Alien Series
Oh H.R. Giger, how I love you. Only you would created this walking Freudian nightmare. The Xenomorph is really the only monster that ever got under my skin after the age of 10. When I was in high school I used to have nightmares about these things. They would be infesting my garage or attic and the only thing I would have to fight them off would be a broom. Yeah, I was screwed.
Xenomorph here is an exquisitely designed monster. Every stage of this thing is made to terrorize you. At birth, it rapes your face. At adolesence, it bursts through your chest violently. And at adulthood it kills you mercilessly or takes you back to its nest to start the cycle of horror all over again. And visually it is stunning. You're scared of it but you just can't stop looking at it. Its elegant and streamlined and almost beautiful in a grotesque way. Xeno makes it to #1
And there you have it. My top ten favorite scary monsters of all time.
Next up? my top ten favorite scary Assholes of all time!