Saturday, January 3, 2009

Your Mother Doesn't Love You

The time has come to tell a tale, a tale of a mother who probably hates her kids. But first, some family back story! You're welcome!

My older sister is quite a bit older than I am; eleven years. There is the same amount of time between myself and my sister as their is between myself and my sister's oldest daughter, Jessi. Why did I tell you this? Because my oldest nephew (Jessi's brother) made me a fuckin' great aunt, and I'm feeling insecure about my age, dammit! Now, on to the tale.

Jessi is dating a really nice guy named, uh, Tall Boy. Boy is local to the little sparkling edge of Washington state that portion of my family lives in. He grew up on a farm, and as such had one of those bizzarro childhoods where you name the cow and then eat it. For some reason Boy's mom felt it imperative to terrorize her offspring. I've never met this woman but I can't wait to; something tells me she and I are going to get along like a house on fire. That we probably set ourselves. Apparently she once came home from a planning meeting, a touch tipsy, and informed Boy that she adored Jessi, but that she wasn't deaf. You can imagine my niece's delight, yes? Her sons also figured out that they could get out of being grounded if they found a nice juicy cut of gossip for her. Would that my own groundings had been so easy to weasel out of.

Apparently one of her favorite tricks, though, was to send her small children into the basement to get something for her. Being little boys they were of course, terrified of the basement; what little kid isn't? I used to sleep in our basement and I was afraid of it. Once the poor little munchkins had wandered down, she would lock the door and turn off the lights. Now, let me clarify. I work with kids while I'm going through college; I have for most of my life. I have been assured by most of these kids that I am pure evil, and I delight in the suffering of others. They dubbed me The Devil Aunt, and that is complete truth. The point of my little dissertation? Even I would never something like that. I wouldn't even do that to a teenager or an adult, and I have a much lower tolerance for those age groups than I do for kids.

Boy's mother would laugh while her sons pounded against the door and screamed. Making this even more surreal, Boy laughs his hinder off when he tells these tales. I have no idea if this is some form of "hard love" or something, but my suspicions are that she didn't actually want kids. I have told Boy this. He thinks I'm kidding.

The final tale (for now, I'm sure) is the story of the car's break down. Like most kids (myself included), especially those of the right age during a movie release, Boy and his brother were terrified of Freddy Krueger. Most parents would be eager to remind their children that not only did Freddy not exist, he didn't exist a long, long way away from where they were currently located. Not Boy's mom. Oh ho ho noooooo. One day, in the middle of winter, as a storm is heading in, she pretends the car has stalled out and died. They were out in the countryside somewhere, and had come to stop next to a large, dilapidated house, (I think Boy said it was probably abandoned) and informs her children that the car has mysteriously died. Oh, and see that house over there? Yeah, Freddy lives there, so they had better get the car started before he realizes that they are stranded out in his driveway.

The little kids, understandably, Lose. Their. Shit. Mom climbs out, puts up the hood of the car (so now they can't see her, but can still clearly see The House that the Child Killer Built) and pretends to poke at the engine. Miraculously, she "fixes" the problem, and drives triumphantly away. According to Boy, this was so she would be the hero; Mom saved them from Freddy Kruegar!


Boy thinks this story is hilarious, and laughs uproariously as he tells it. After hearing this for the first time I was forced to inform Boy that his mother either didn't want kids or simply didn't like the ones she got. I seriously can't wait to meet this woman; I'll bet if no one was looking she probably would have simply consumed her children when they were infants.


Cins said...

Oh to be a fly on the wall durring that meeting!
She sounds like QUITE the charmer. I wonder what she did on Christmas. bring in Santa'scharred hat and claim that he was burned alive delivering their gifts?

Please bring a video camera...seriously.

Stac said...

Holy CRAP, Cins, you're on to something there! I am SO asking him if she ever did that!!

Metal Mikey said...

Any mother that terrifies her children by locking them in the fruit cellar and telling them Freddy Krueger's PERSONAL address is a woman to be admired, and feared, in the same breath.

... Or also get very soused with, and have a good laugh or two.

I don't blame you for your excitement!

Stac said...

Mikey, I feel I have much to learn from her! ;)